Page 95 of If I Were Yours

He pushes to his feet and gives me a single nod. “I’ve restocked your kitchen. Make sure to eat. At least three healthy meals a day. I’ll be checking in to make sure you comply.”

I stare at him, stunned. “I thought we were supposed to talk.”

“Not yet. I have a few things I need to clear up first, and I have to leave in half an hour. But I’ll be back on Saturday. We’ll talk then. In the meantime, I want you to take care of yourself. Get some exercise and some mental stimulation. I don’t care how. I just don’t want you to get stuck in your own mind. Are we clear?”

“Okay,” I say, though feeling more confused than anything else.

Markus makes quick work of cleaning after breakfast. Then he climbs into bed and holds me for the last twenty minutes before he leaves me with a clipped promise to talk when he gets back.

After he’s left, I step out the front door for the first time in four days to check my mailbox. The chilly February breeze stings my cheeks and raises goose bumps along my arms despite my thick blouse. So I quickly grab the few letters waiting for me and hurry back inside.

There’s my annual electricity statement, a letter from the library threatening to revoke my borrowing privileges if I don’t pay my fines, and a bank statement. And finally, a letter with a logo saying ‘Hochschule Für Musik Berlin.’

My breath lodges in my throat as I stare at the white envelope and the conservatory’s logo.

Indecision has me fidgeting with the flap at the back. I badly want to see the result, but dread is churning in my stomach, making me stall.

What if I got rejected? Will I be able to cope with the disappointment on top of everything else, or will it throw me straight back into the miserable hole Markus just got me out of?

And what if I got accepted?

My heart pounds even harder as my hands start to shake.

If I got in, I would need to move to Berlin. Where Grigory lives. Even if I were to live with Markus at the other end of the city from Grigory, I’d be close to him every day. The conservatory is barely half a mile from the opera.

But what’s even worse is the idea of playing the piano every day—being reminded of everything Grigory helped me gain and the pain of what I lost in the process. Feeling close to him through the music that brought us together.

I don’t know if I can do that. Right now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to play again at all.

Putting it to the test, I gingerly go open the lid on my piano for the first time since I came back.

The sight of the black and white keys nearly has me doubling over as a stab of fresh pain flares in my chest.

No, I can’t do this.

I slam the lid shut and shove the envelope under a pile of sheet music. It’s better to forget all about it.

— CHAPTER 36 —

CLARA

After five long days, Markus returns. We both know it’s time to have a serious talk, but we seem to agree to postpone it as long as possible since neither of us mentions it. But I can feel the weight of it looming over us until Markus finally broaches the subject after dinner.

“We need to talk.” He drags a chair around the table, patting the seat as he takes the one in front of it.

I sink onto it, facing Markus but avoiding his eyes. Nervousness creeps along my arms, speeding up my heart and making my fingers twitch.

Markus remains silent, and his intent eyes are like a chilly gust of wind on my skin. When I can’t take the waiting anymore, l look up at him, which prompts him to begin.

“I’ve been offered a job at the Metropolitan in the spring.”

My eyes go wide. I’d expected him to dive straight into the hard part, not start with this amazing news.

“Really?” I say, trying to muster the appropriate excitement, but the heavy atmosphere is impossible to expel no matter how great the news.

“Yeah,” he says, dragging a hand through his hair, not seeming the least excited.“I’ve known for a few weeks, but there were so many things I had to figure out before telling you. And I didn’t want to burden you with it all until the auditions were over.”

“Burden me? What do you mean?” I’m genuinely confused. This is great news. It’s his lifelong dream come true.

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