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“How?”
“He wants you to come to his house in Russia and accept him as your Dom—that is, if you are ready.”
I nod. That doesn’t sound so bad.
Markus shakes his head. “He’s not just going to spank or reprimand you. Whatever he has in mind will be hard and painful, more so than anything he’s done up until now.”
“What—” I’m about to ask what he plans to do, but Markus cuts me off.
“I’m not sure exactly what he plans, and I don’t need to know. If you decide to go through with this, it’s not for me to meddle. Once I hand you over, it’s his choice, and you’ll have to trust him not to push you too far. But he will push you. That much I’m sure of.”
I gulp past the knot in my throat. “Will he hurt me?”
“Of course he will. Grigory is a sadist. But he won’t harm you. Do you understand the difference?”
“I’m not sure,” I say tentatively.
“He’ll inflict pain and let you feel the brunt of your guilt, but he won’t do anything he can’t mend with good aftercare.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and push air out through rounded lips as I remember all those times Grigory didn’t provide aftercare. But then I remember all those times he did—how he holds me like I’m the most precious thing in the world, brings me to his office when I’m stressed out and scared, and even takes me to the zoo.
Opening my eyes again, I say, “Will you be there?”Even though Markus won’t interfere, simply having him there will be a tremendous relief.
Markus shakes his head. “If you agree to this, I won’t be there to take care of you anymore. You’ll have to trust Grigory to do that. You can’t come running back to me if things don’t turn out the way you’d hoped.”
Fuck.I’d never fully considered what belonging to Grigory would entail.
Markus has always been my safety net. Without him, I’ll be fully at Grigory’s mercy. Grigory may never have failed to be caring and protective since he went home with me in the early fall, but I sense something dark within him—something that goes beyond the sadism he’s subjected me to this far. The way he saysif you were minemakes me think I’ve only seen half of what he has to offer as a Dom, and to be honest, the idea of seeing the full depth scares me shitless. It’s easy enough to dream about being his, but could I truly handle it?
“Can I talk to him… before I decide?” I say.
“This is not a negotiation. Either you’re in or out.”
I press the heel of my hand to my forehead and fill my cheeks with air before releasing it.
The choice is impossible. Either I give myself over to Grigory and the menacing darkness lurking inside him, or remain safe and lose the man I crave with my whole being.
And if I do decide to go through with it, I’ll lose the man I love.
***
After Markus has left, I talk to him every day. Part of me wants to try to convince him to keep me. But Markus has made his decision. He wants to give me to Grigory. And deep down, I know my choice doesn’t have anything to do with choosing one or the other man. What I need to decide is whether or not I’m ready to belong to Grigory—fully, irrevocably, and on his terms.
I ask tons of questions about Grigory and what seems to be a sort of ritual I need to go through to become his. But no matter how I phrase my inquiries, it always boils down to the same thing.
Submitor walk away.
Markus neither tries to reassure nor guide me in a certain direction. He simply tells me things the way he sees them, giving me the information I need to decide if I’m ready.
Trying to find some sort of comfort for my rattled nerves, I ask about Grigory’s sadism.
“What’s the worst thing he’s done?” I say, thinking it can’t possibly be that bad.
“The worst thing?” Markus repeats over the phone. “Well, I don’t know half of what he’s done, but the most extreme thing I’ve seen was at a club in Paris—before Magdalena. He was whipping this woman he used to hook up with. Halfway through, blood started pebbling forth on her back. The woman was screaming and crying like she was in agony, but Grigory kept going.”
“That’s crazy,” I say, my jaw going slack.
Markus chuckles. “I thought so at the time, but the other club members assured me that Grigory knew what he was doing and that the woman was a hardcore masochist.”
