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Then Grace had shown up, and he’d all but tossed her out on her ear. And it was such a perfectly shaped, delicate ear.
Levi had known as soon as his father had told him what had happened that he had to end things with Grace. How had he let them go this far in the first place? He’d known all along he couldn’t marry her. Not when he had no control of his dreams or the terrors that visited him most nights. He couldn’t ask Grace to deal with the darkness that felt like it was about to consume him.
If he’d lost every last lick of sense and asked her to marry him, and she’d agreed, he might never be able to sleep again, worrying he’d hit her or something worse as one of his nightmares consumed him.
Grace had called twice and come out once, begging him to accept the help she offered, but he’d refused.
The more he was pushed to get help, the harder he resisted. It wasn’t just pride. There was something simmering in him, something he couldn’t describe or explain, that made him want to be mad and sullen. It gave him an excuse to lash out in anger.
Which was all the more reason he ought to listen to his parents and Grace and seek out a professional who might be able to help him through whatever was happening to him.
Regardless of what he should do, he continued to resist all offers of help.
“Levi, I love you more than life itself, but you are the only one who can make this better. It’s your choice. Even if you remove Grace from the equation, you still need to find a way to heal for your own sake. Not for her. Not for your mother. Not for me or anyone else. You need to do it for you. To give yourself a chance at a future instead of letting what happened over there redefine who you are.”
Levi thought of a few choice things he could say to his father. Before he could utter a word, the man turned and stormed off, leaving Levi alone in his misery.
Exactly where he thought he should be.
Miserable and alone.
He finished the morning irrigating and went to his house for lunch. Too tired and despondent to care about food, he threw off his clothes and took a cooling shower. Because he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes open, he crawled into bed and immediately fell asleep.
Visions from the war he longed to forget taunted him, then Grace was there, mingling in the scenes flickering through his mind. He wanted to protect her. To keep her safe, but she kept drifting farther and farther beyond his reach.
“Grace!” he yelled, reaching for her, then jolted awake, sitting upright in bed to find his father standing over him, worry grooving furrows across his brow.
“Call the doctor, Levi. What have you got to lose at this point?” His father handed him a slip of paper, then walked out of the house.
He recognized Grace’s elegant script and held the paper to his nose, breathing in the slightest hint of her fragrance. He would forever associate the scent of pineapple with her.
One afternoon, as his mother had been flipping through a magazine last month, when the future still seemed hopeful instead of bleak, she’d shown him an article about how pineapples had been used by the colonists as a symbol of warmth and friendly welcome.
Levi had realized that was Grace. Friendly. Warm. Caring. Welcoming. Kind even when some—namely him—didn’t deserve it.
He sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the name and number written on that piece of paper until his vision blurred.
He thought about Grace and how much joy, light, and love she’d brought into his life. He thought of his parents and how much worry and heartache he’d given them. He thought of his friends who’d gone off to war and returned home in caskets. He thought of the people who’d supported him and the ones who’d reviled him.
Memories of his childhood flowed into memories of the war, then ebbed into sweet memories of Grace.
He didn’t want to spend his life mired in darkness. It wasn’t who he was and definitely wasn’t who he wanted to be. He could feel the shadows marring his soul grow more powerful by the day, and felt helpless to stop it, to change it.
His parents and Grace were right. He needed help. Desperately needed it.
When he finally glanced at the clock, he was shocked to see it was nearly six in the evening. He’d spent all afternoon lost in his thoughts.
Levi got dressed, made a sandwich, then went out and took care of his evening responsibilities on the farm. The next morning, after he’d completed his chores, he picked up the phone and called the number he’d memorized after staring at it so long the previous day. Levi answered several questions, and then the nurse made an appointment for him to come in that afternoon.
Before he did anything else, Levi went to tell his parents he’d made the call and to apologize for all he’d put them through.
All three of them were in tears by the time he finished speaking from his heart, confessing his pride, which had made him see the need for help as weakness, and sharing his fear that the darkness would continue growing until it consumed him. Finally, he returned to his house, showered, and changed, too nervous about the appointment to bother with lunch.
While he waited to leave for the appointment, he did something he knew he should have done months ago, spending time on his knees in prayer. When he left the house, it was with a glimmer of hope in his heart that maybe not all was lost.
He arrived half an hour early and made a point of avoiding the doctor’s office where Grace worked. The last thing he needed right now was to run into her. He found the right office on a floor above Grace’s, checked in with the receptionist, and quietly sat down to wait.
Levi kept his gaze glued to the floor until his name was called, then he followed a woman wearing a pretty summer dress into a spacious office splashed with light from multiple windows. The walls were a calming blue, the furniture non-descript but comfortable as Levi sank onto a leather chair.
