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“What the fuck happened? Tell me!” I yell, tears streaming down my face.
“Marley, calm down,” Mitch says, grabbing my arm.
I yank myself away from him, glaring in his direction.
“Tell me what the fuck is going on!” I yell.
“She’s gone,” he finally says, hanging his head.
“I know she’s fucking gone! I know. I can feel it. How? What happened?” I cry.
He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to tell me.
I’m sobbing into my hands now. My head is a flood of memories, shit I’ve tried to keep locked away for so long.
I take a deep breath, trying to pull myself together. My hands are trembling as I smooth the pages down of the journal. There’s a wet spot on her words from my tears, but my name is still there, begging for me to read.
Dear Marley,
I’m so very sorry. There aren’t really words that I can put together to express how sorry I am for this. I know you’ll never understand. I wish I would have been strong enough to tell you everything. I know you would have done everything in your power to make sure I was okay. I don’t think anything could have stopped this from happening. I feel like it’s been a long time, even since before the baby, that I haven’t quite felt like I belonged here.
I know you know about the baby, because you’re nosy. If you’ve made it this far that means you’ve read everything. I was hoping you would. I don’t know if you’re angry at me, but I hope over time that anger subsides.
Please don’t feel guilty. There is nothing you could have done. Nothing. I promise you that. I wish I had the desire to continue living this life, but the light is long gone. This isn’t anyone’s fault, not really anyway. There’s just something missing inside of me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I want you to know I love you. I see that desire to experience life in your eyes. I hope you allow yourself to fall in love. I hope you make a million memories. I also hope you feel me with you every step of the way.
Please stop blaming yourself. I know it might not seem like I love you, because why would someone you love do such a thing, but I do. I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you, sister.
I’m always here,
Mal
“Fuck,” I cry, sobbing into my hands.
I reach over to grab the box of tissues on the cart next to my bed, blowing my nose. That’s when the night nurse decides to come in and make her introductions.
“Oh my God. Are you okay?” she asks, rushing over to me.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her.
I try to explain to her what’s going on and she wraps her arms around me for a hug.
“Why are you apologizing? I’m sorry I intruded,” she says.
“I’m not sure this was the time or place to deep dive into my unresolved feelings about my sister’s suicide.” I laugh awkwardly.
“I don’t think there’s any time or place that will feel like the right place to do that,” she says.
She stays with me for a little longer, asking if I’d like something to help get some rest.
Once she’s given me some meds and insisted that I call for her if I need anything at all, injury related or not, I allow myself to close my eyes.
Chapter Twenty One
CLARK
“Thanks for the ride.” I turn to look over at Mitch.
