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“I don’t know. Can’t we just let it go? It happened, and we should just move on.” I managed to force the words out, but I didn’t mean a single bit of it.
I thought about that night all the time. The night she kissed me, the night she walked away with an even bigger piece of my soul. In my mind she was still standing there in her prom gown, right after she got out of my car, the look on her face unreadable behind the anger she openly displayed. I let a part of myself die with the feelings that she had for me. I didn’t know if I would get it back. Standing there now, I could see that I was wrong. It hadn’t died. If anything, it had grown stronger. Home. It called to me from only a few feet away. More than anything else, I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I didn’t.
“No. We can’t just let it go. You’re blind. And I don’t think I want you in my life if you’re willing to throw away our entire life as friends, just because you can’t handle how you really feel. Goodbye, Jake.”
“Wait, Lilly-girl. Please.” I reached for her, but she was already disappearing through the crowd that had gathered to celebrate Angela’s birthday. I got a few strange looks from the other deputies, but I didn’t care.
“Well, that was a catastrophe.” I muttered it, afraid that someone would hear me. Or worse, tell Angela that I was fighting with her daughter.
“I’d say.” From behind me, Maya snorted. “Who’s the girl?”
“Her name is Lilly, and she just told me that she’s going to be starting at the department. Good luck with that.” I walked away, unable to face the fact that I messed up.
Again.
13
MARGOT
IgnoringJake is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.
I don’t call or text him at all.
When we are at work together, I make it a point to stay away from him.
It isn’t that I’m avoiding him, necessarily. It’s the fact that I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to say to the man.
Working with Jake is just short of torture. I can’t kiss him without thinking about what we lost, and I can’t work with him without facing all the memories.
Being in the same building as him reminds me of the first time we worked together and the first night we slept together.
And I’m not sure if he can handle all the negative that comes with those memories.
* * *
Three Years Ago
The doorbell rang, and after the fifth time in under a minute that it went off, I dragged myself out of bed to answer it. Without looking at my clock, I noted that the sun was barely up. I didn’t know who would be knocking on my door first thing in the morning, but I knew that it had better be important. I hadn’t gotten off work until after four in the morning and had just fallen asleep when the doorbell started ringing.
Opening the door without looking, I was prepared to start yelling and then stopped when I saw that it was Jake. Looking disheveled, he looked like someone had run over his dog. His uniform was dirty and had streaks of dirt and mud on it. His boots were covered in mud. His eyes were red, and I was afraid to ask what had happened.
“Jake?” I asked, unable to ask the rest of my question.
“Lilly. I need you. Please, just this once.” And he kissed me, scooping me into his arms.
My legs wrapped around his waist of their own accord, and he pressed his tongue against my lips, silently asking permission. I opened my mouth to his onslaught and met his tongue thrust for thrust, moaning and pushing myself further into the kiss.
I didn’t want to think about what had brought him to my door, nor did I wonder why he was kissing me like the world was ending around them. Instead, I lost myself to the feeling of his body pressed against mine. His hands kept my body pressed against his, and I could feel his arousal. When I had gone to bed, I hadn’t put on any pants or underwear so now there was nothing separating my body from his except my old t-shirt and his uniform.
Jake carried me through the house, breaking our kiss only long enough for me to point to where my bedroom was at the end of the hallway. Once he had me in the bedroom, he ended our kiss with a peck to my nose and set me down softly on the bed.
“Jake, what are you doing here?” I asked before I could stop myself.
Afraid that he was going to be angry with my question, I glanced away, only for him to put his hands on both sides of my face and make me look at him. Instead of answering me, though, he kissed me again, gently this time.
“I’m here for you. Some bad stuff happened tonight, and it made me realize that I don’t want to fight this anymore. I’m done fighting this. I have to have you.” And before I could answer again, he kissed me.
He pulled back. “I don’t want you to say anything. Just let this happen if you want it…” Then he was stripping.
