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Except, maybe, I should try and make things work. If he loves me.
If—
“Brandi.”
Warm relief floods me as I look up into the strikingly familiar eyes of my husband. Bright blue like his brother’s, with a special heat that seems to burn just for me. It spreads through me like a wildfire intent on destroying my senses.
But he hesitates instead of reaching for me, shoves hands in his pockets, and my heart sinks at the distance between us.
“Where is everyone?” he asks, looking about. “Did I miss the appointment? I raced here, cleared everything to be with you.”
“It’s technically after-hours, but they had to reschedule a bunch of us and mine ended up being the late one. And no, you didn’t miss it,” I reassure him. “I’m still waiting.”
He steps closer and sits so that we’re practically touching, the buzz of his phone vibrating against my leg, but he makes no move to pull it from his pocket.
“I’ve been thinking, Travis.”
I can almost hear him hold his breath and I raise my eyes away from where we’re almost touching, to look at him. Hope, wariness, and shame are staring back at me from the shadows in his eyes. Maybe there’s something like misery there, but it could just be me projecting my own feelings onto him.
“So have I.”
My chest tightens at his words but I know if I don’t push mine out, I’ll just be turning into the same wishy-washy creature I let myself turn into when it comes to him.
“I… how I feel about you doesn’t matter. But I think you know there’s no one else for me. I need to have this space; we both need this space because the path we were on was going nowhere fast. The decisions you made, you made without thinking aboutme. I’m reserved. I hate being center of attention, and I’ve blamed myself for so much of the bad in my life, and then you suddenly wanted me and I was so scared I’d lose what you were offering. It was this cycle of want and need and emotion that the more I cared, the more I turned into someone who wasn’t me. At least… not the best me.”
“I’m not really sure there’s a bad you, Brandi.” Travis reaches up and brushes a strand of hair behind my ear, and I almost give in.
Almost.
I shake my head instead. “Stop. What I’m trying to say is I think I need a little more time, but if we can work it out, I think it might work. And if not—”
“Brandi.”
But I ignore him. “If not, then I want to co-parent. I want you to be part of our baby’s life even if we aren’t together.” When he doesn’t say anything, I add, “If you want that.”
He takes my face with gentle fingers. “You became such a big part of my life without me seeing you. Truly seeing you.”
“I miss you. I fucking hate you’re not there, your body ready and waiting for me to take comfort in. But maybe we do need this little bit of space, even if I want to beg you to come back. I want to know everything that makes you tick. Everything that makes you who you are. We both need the time. I need to sort some things out I should have taken care of years ago. And I don’t want to be part of your lives. I don’t want to co-parent our baby.” My heart drops. “I want to be a family.” He pushes out a breath. “But if you decide you want to end this, then I’ll take what I can get. Any piece of you is better than losing you completely.”
He's not fighting me.
He’s not demanding more than I can give him.
And his words bounce against the wall I’ve worked so hard to reconstruct between us, twisting in me and wrapping around the wounds that I need to heal.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay.”
We sit, silent for a few minutes until one of the nurses comes out. She’s smiling. “Ready to learn the sex of your baby?”
I nod and Travis helps me up.
Maybe he hasn’t ridden to battle for me or declared his undying love.
But he’s here.
Maybe that’s enough to help me overcome the pain in my past.
