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Once we’re inside, Larissa closes the patio door and pulls me by the arm into the kitchen. She faces me and crosses her arms against her chest.
“What the fuck happened, Zo?”
“Everything’s—”
“Shut the fuck up and spill it. I’m not an idiot. You asked me to go to her apartment and now you’re acting like a drunken fool. Something happened.”
I brace myself on the counter and stare at her. “She’s gone.”
She quirks a brow. “Kate is gone?”
I nod.
“What did you do?” She stares at me through narrowed eyes and pops her hip to the side.Just like Ma used to do.
“Guess I’m just a fuck up,Larissa. What can I say?” I know that’s what she expects to hear. The truth is so far beneath us that it’s easy to keep buried.
She sighs and looks down. “You’re not a fuck up, Zo. This is your life. It’s not your fault.”
She only knows a part of my reality. The crew doesn’t know what's happened in the past few months, and it’s best we keep it that way. If we ever get caught, they’d go down with us, and we can’t have that. Other people knowing allows too many vulnerabilities.
“Exactly,” I finally say. “This is my life and I refuse to bring her down with me.”
Lari’s sad little eyes tell me she understands, and though she doesn’t want to, she agrees.
“So let’s get back out there and just fuck off with feelings and la-la land, where we pretend like this is okay. Like there was ever a choice in any of this.”
She nods. “I get it.”
You really don’t.
She walks back to the patio, and I follow her after grabbing the bottle of Fireball from my room. I try to absorb myself in the conversation, to forget about the perfectionist, meticulous, beautiful girl that's stolen my heart and doesn’t even know it.
I take chugs straight from the bottle, forgoing a cup simply because the effort is a waste. I offer it to the circle but everyone declines, sticking to their beers instead. Maria lights up a joint at some point, and though I normally decline, tonight I take a puff.
Drunk, high, and miserable is a dangerous combination.
I’m not sure what time it is when my friends start leaving. I’m close to nodding off in my seat when Maria says, “Zo, why don’t you walk me out?”
“I can walk you out,” Lari offers.
“I got it,” I say, nodding at Maria and rising from my seat while taking a swig of the already empty bottle of Fireball. Tiny droplets land on my tongue and I swallow them back before following her through the house, leaving the empty bottle on the kitchen counter. Larissa and Santi remain outside, everyone else gone.
When we’re passing the hallway, she halts suddenly and turns to me. “Seriously, Zo, you okay?”
Damn, I really must be a mess. Maria is as cold as they come, and she actually looks concerned.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I reply, but the lie causes my heart to lurch in my chest.
“Anything I can do to help?” she says, taking a small step closer. It’s subtle, but I know what she’s implying. And fuck, I want it to help.
So fucking badly.
What’s the harm in trying?
I take a step towards her. “What did you have in mind?”
Chapter Six
