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For the past three weeks, I've done nothing but sit in my room with the curtains closed, work, sleep, and listen to music. Fortunately, my job allowed me to work remotely. Thank goodness for that because I look and feel like hell.
I am so fucking angry at myself for letting this happen. I've been an idiot and allowed myself to get tangled up in a man who isn't worth my time, much less my love.
Yet my heart won't let him go.
Dad has constantly tried to talk to me since the incident, but truth be told, I’m not willing to listen. He’d taken me away from the one thing that I actually felt sure about, and Ivan did nothing to stop him.
Maybe I’m sad about the wrong thing. After all, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years not too long ago. Maybe my emotions were too raw and vulnerable to jump into something new with Ivan.
But I don't regret breaking up with Brendan. My relationship with Brendan constantly felt tense and off, leaving me to question if I was doing something wrong. At last, I realized that the issues stemmed from us not being right for each other.
I guess I’m a sucker for stormy relationships with men who don’t care about me.
It hurts me that Ivan did not fight for me.
I wipe tears from my eyes.
I think about how tense my relationship is with my father now. He is disappointed with what I did. He doesn't have to say it for me to know his thoughts.
But the truth is that I've fallen in love with Ivan.
All I want is to see Ivan, but there is no way for me to do that. He hasn't answered my texts or phone calls, and I can only imagine what Dad said to him. It isn't fair. Ivan didn't pressure me to do it. It was my choice.
I was with him for the simple reason that I wanted to be. How I feel about him is genuine.
And now it seems like he wanted nothing to do with me. I'm scared that this was his plan all along. Do what my dad wants, so he can quickly get rid of me.
He was about to tell my father that he loved me before he got clocked in the face. At the time, I truly believed that he did, and maybe it was out of respect for my father that he hasn't messaged me.
Whatever it is, I wish he would communicate with me. I need a call, a text, or something. I need to know that he still cares about me.
But I know he won't. He's gone, and I'm left with a broken heart.
I turn off my music, the rhythm of sadness taking over me. At that moment, everything falls apart, and all I can do is cry until nothing is left inside me.
Maybe it was too soon for us.
Maybe I should have given more time for things to be different.
But whatever the case, it hurts too much for me to think about now. Especially since I chose him to give myself to.
I hope that one day, Ivan will realize how much he meant to me and how much I wanted us to be together. Until then, I need to move on with my life.
I hear a knock at my bedroom door, and before I can answer, it opens.
"Shae," I say, sitting up in bed. I hope it isn’t obvious that I’ve been crying. She walks to my mini speaker on my dresser and powers it off. I ask. "What are you doing here? How did you get in?"
Shae plops down on the bed next to me. "Your dad let me in." She's wearing a pair of jeans and a rolling stones tee. Her long black hair is pulled into a high bun. "I'm here to help you get your ass together."
I run my hands through my hair. "I don't know if that's possible."
She looks around the room and sniffs the air. "Girl, when was the last time you took a shower or cleaned the room?"
I take a shaky breath. "I don't know."
My bedroom is a mess. Clothes are strewn across the floor, and my bedsheets are in disarray. The air smells stale from having not been aired out for days, and the dim light from my nightstand makes everything feel dull. A small pile of take-out boxes adds a tangy scent to the stale air.
"Okay," Shae says, going to the window, "we are changing that."
