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Her eyes widened, and she gasped in shock.
"I have for some time, although I only just recently realized it. But I was too cowardly to say anything. I tried to inch toward it by asking you to be with me, but your resistance made me afraid to tell you the truth. I know that this may be too little, too late, or maybe you just don't feel the same for me, and I accept that. But I'm going to be a part of this child's life. You can't keep me from that."
She shook her head, and I felt it like a vise around my heart. The very thing I was trying to avoid was happening. She was rejecting me.
She stepped forward. "I don't want to keep the baby from you." She wasn't saying she loved me back, but at least she was accepting that I was going to be in the baby's life.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was going to, but like you, I was afraid. I don't think you are incapable of loving or being a parent. I just thought that it wasn't something you wanted. I believed that when I told you, everything would change, and I didn't want it to change."
I cocked my head to the side, not understanding what she was trying to tell me. "What would change?"
"I was afraid that when I told you, you wouldn’t want me or the baby."
My jaw tightened. "Because you didn't think I could love you or the baby?" Was I really such an emotional wasteland?
"Not that you couldn't, but that you wouldn’t want to. You’ve been single and alone for so long. I thought that was on purpose.”
She wasn’t wrong, but it was only because I hadn’t met anyone to make me change my mind until her.
She blew out a breath. "That's only part of it, really. The truth is, Todd, I knew that when you learned about the baby, however you felt about it, you would do the right thing. You would provide for me and the baby."
"And that's a bad thing?"
She shook her head. "Not at all. But ...” She looked down. "I wanted you to want me for me."
I stared at her, not sure I heard her words correctly. "I did tell you I wanted you."
"Yes, but I thought it was just the sex. Or for help with Dean."
It made sense why she wouldn’t be confident about my feelings, but it didn't make sense that she wanted me to feel them considering the boundaries she'd put around us. "You said that because I'm your boss—"
She waved her hand. "I know. I told you that we had to be a secret, and I was resistant, so I know I was being unfair to you."
"I guess Analyn is right in that love makes people say and do and think the wrong things."
She let out a small laugh. "Boy, does it ever." I waited for her to elaborate, but she didn't. She didn't love me, and my having said the words to her hadn’t changed her mind. But I knew that before I came over.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and sucked in a breath. It was time to move on. "Are you still planning to resign?"
She looked at me and blinked.
"I understand why you would want to. But if you want to stay, we can work things out where you wouldn’t be uncomfortable."
She frowned. "Uncomfortable?"
"We can avoid each other altogether. We need to work together for the baby, but I can make sure to stay away at work."
She looked at me like I'd grown a horn. "Stay away?"
Her obtuseness hurt. Was she going to make me spell it out?
"You said you loved me. But now you want to avoid me?" she asked.
"I said I loved you, but you didn't say it back. And I understand. It's not your fault if you don't—"
She slapped her palm against her head and then looked at me. "Of course, I love you, Todd." She shook her head. "I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I thought I had."
