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“I notice you get a specific frown when we talk about your family,” I say and caress the spot between his eyebrows.
“Then, don’t ask me about my family.”
“But asking about food or goofy stuff feels weird after I told you such personal details of my life. However, when you shared about your mom, I felt like I was causing you pain.”
“Don’t ask about goofy shit,” Eagle says, frowning harder at the mention of his mom. “Ask me about my life now. Real stuff, like about my friends.”
“But what if my questions make you think I’m a spy?”
“I know you aren’t.”
Despite the lack of breeze, I shiver at the shift in mood between us. Eagle instantly adjusts on the bed, so he can tug the blanket out from under him and cover me with it.
“When did you meet your friends?” I ask, cuddling up against him.
“I saw them around when we were younger. Walla Walla lived down the block from me. His family was super religious. He had to wear buttoned-up shirts and those lame slacks every day. He’d always get dirty. I liked how he drove his family crazy.”
“Was he your best friend?”
“No, I just hung around the edges of their group. I’d sit with Hobo a lot. He was always banged up and smelly. His parents lived in the woods, and he was never clean. But he smiled a lot. I felt like he wouldn’t judge me.”
“Judge you for what?”
Eagle stops talking as his fingers trace my face. “Another guy was weird. He still is. Nomad used to refuse to talk to teachers at school. He would just stare at them until they gave up. Kids called him stupid, but I thought he was just doing his own thing. I liked those three the most. When they started hanging out with Ruin and Tomcat, I wanted to do the same thing. But I mostly didn’t.”
“Why?”
“I’m always on the outside.”
“By choice or because of other people?”
“That’s just how things roll out,” he says and sighs as my fingers brush across his cheek. “Did you have good friends?”
“I had friends in school. They ditched me when I got pregnant. Other than Fiona, I only have acquaintances. But I’m okay with that. I don’t want to owe people my allegiance.”
“What does that mean?”
Sighing, I consider my words. “In the past, people used my loyalty against me. I cared about their opinion so much that I overruled my own needs. Eventually, I became a passenger in my own life. I never want to let someone control me like that.”
Eagle’s expression goes dark. He’s taking my words personally. Or thinks they mean I can’t care for him. I’m not sure what has him agitated, but he looks at me like I might be the enemy.
“How come you don’t feel that way with Fiona?”
“For the same reason I wouldn’t with a child. She was a defenseless creature when I met her. I set the boundaries and essentially raised her. I choose to put her needs ahead of mine when necessary. I’ve always been the one in control.”
“Wait, how fucked up is she? Isn’t she alone right now?”
“It’s complicated. Fiona can be alone for a few hours.”
“But not like a day or two?” Eagle asks, looking like a disappointed kid. “So, you could never spend the weekend? Can you even go on a date? Is this all we can have?”
I wish I weren’t naked. Having a relationship conversation when he’s mostly dressed and I’m nude leaves me at a disadvantage. I feel downright powerless.
“I don’t know,” I finally admit. “After my family died, I had a few hookups with random guys. I just wanted to feel alive, but the sex didn’t do anything except remind me how I was alone. Once I started working with Fiona, I felt fulfilled. That was a dozen years ago. In that time, I haven’t dated. So, I never needed to answer the questions you’re asking.”
“If you didn’t need to date to be fulfilled, why did you come to our party?”
“I told you on the first night. I wanted to meet you.”
