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Exhaling softly, Irina brushes her delicate fingers across my lips. “When I was living in my little house with Owen and my husband, I wanted to paint the walls a pale yellow. But I never did. Steve didn’t care. Other people had yellow walls. Yet, that girl’s comment ruined something I loved.”
I’m unsure why she’s telling me this story. I ought to reply with something smart. Should I threaten the bitch who ruined things? Or tell Irina that I love yellow? As usual, when I’m uncertain, I embrace silence.
“I wish I were strong enough to do whatever I wanted. For years, I filled my head with big plans. Each one was so easy to shoot down. When I said I wanted to be a lawyer, my mother told me how I wasn’t good at standing up for myself. Later, my father told me that I wasn’t patient enough to be a nurse. Steve once said I wouldn’t do well traveling since I couldn’t pick up new languages and never ate weird food. I always thought they were wrong, but I gave up my dreams just like I did with the color yellow.”
Holding her palm against my chest, I can’t think of how to respond to her confession. Irina ignores my silence and shares more.
“Over the years, I thought about taking Fiona away with me. I believed we could figure things out. Living away from Zaja would be safer. I was brave enough for us both. But I always chickened out. I’m a coward.”
Frowning, I shake my head. “I need you to stop talking shit about yourself.”
Irina gives me a weak smile. “The only time I’ve been brave was when I came here to see you. Each time we were apart, I started second-guessing the next visit. More than once, I’ve nearly talked myself out of coming here. Despite my habit of behaving cowardly, your pull proved to be too strong.”
My lips cover hers, expressing what I can’t find the words to say.
When her lips tug free, Irina smiles at me. “I need you to understand how I’m not brave or wild like the women you normally date.”
“I never date,” I spit out immediately, thinking she doesn’t understand me or what we have. “I fuck chicks. That’s it. I never figured I was suited for more. You changed me. I’m ready for more. Do you understand that?”
Irina doesn’t flinch under my pissed-off tone. She just smiles in response to my words.
“I’m crazy about you, Eagle,” Irina murmurs, maybe realizing I need her to spell everything out. “I wouldn’t know how to play games, even if I wanted to. I’m not smart about men. I have no way of knowing if I can make you happy, but I’m going to try. If you can be patient with me as I learn, I promise to do the same for you.”
Her words settle my fears over how little time we have left together tonight. What else can I do besides accept our situation? For a chance at something real with Irina, I’m willing to suffer.
IRINA
Ireturn to the Rogersestate floating on a cloud. Eagle didn’t forget about me. In fact, he wants more of my time. That amazing and gorgeous man could barely force himself to step aside so I could leave. Everything I hoped for happened.
So why do I almost immediately start picking at my dreams as if I’m a fool to have them?Maybe the answer is as simple as I don’t know how to have a social life.
For years, I didn’t even want to make friends. They’d just ask questions I’d rather not answer. Women my age tended to have husbands and children. What would I tell them about the ones I lost? They’d think I was cold for not sobbing over my dead babies. I didn’t need to be judged for coping in my own way.
Once I wrapped myself around Fiona, I hid away in the Victorian. We don’t share many tastes. She loves classic books, symphonies, and historical movies. I’m happier with a comedy with pratfalls or an action movie where the plot comes down to explosions followed by car chases. On paper, we aren’t suited for each other.
Except the world left us both behind. Fiona is weighed down by her traumas, both mental and physical. Meanwhile, I didn’t think I was messed up at all. Not until I saw a boy around Owen’s age or watched a car accident on a TV show. Suddenly, all the pain came rushing back, leaving me struggling to get my broken heart back under control.
