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Together in our little world, Fiona and I could pretend to be healthy and fearless. Our lies made sense in Essex Point. Here in McMurdo Valley. I wake up stressed over what the Rogers family might do to Fiona.
The only light in this new life is Eagle. Our Fridays together felt like I was reborn.
Yet, he demands more. It’s what I wanted in all my fantasies about him, yet I’m unprepared for what “more” means. I guess I never truly believed I’d come to that part of our story. A sexy biker shouldn’t rush toward anything substantial. Or maybe all men get that way eventually. I have so little experience that I can’t be sure whether Eagle is normal or not.
Seeing a movie followed by a nice meal at a restaurant is exactly how I imagined my life if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. I might have dated many guys, learning about myself as I learned about them.
Now, I have the chance to enjoy that classic date with the sexiest man I’ve ever seen.
Following a shuffling Fiona through the hallway from the kitchen to the curtained sunroom, I feel a smile on my face. My mind is on Eagle’s perfect face. Even the little scar near his left ear is sexy. He said it’s from a thorn bush he brushed against during his wilder days. I don’t know if that was code for something. I’m curious about his life and this town. I want to immerse myself in my new home.
However, I’m bound to this guesthouse with the only family I’ve had in a dozen years.
Fiona disappears into the sunroom while I take Gatsby to the back courtyard. With the wonderful weather, I suspect the dog would love to sit out here for longer. Except like me, he is bound to a woman who fears what waits for her outside her house’s walls.
I recall how the dog trainer nearly refused to leave Gatsby at the Victorian after meeting Zaja and seeing the home. She rightfully worried the dog would be stuck inside all the time. Also, Zaja seemed like the kind of person who might flip out and eat the service animal.
The trainer relented after watching Fiona with Gatsby. Something about the tiny blonde breaks people’s resolve.
I often consider what Fiona might have been if not for her accident. She was a frightened woman before the fall, yet she was well-educated and a talented musician. I sometimes imagine how she might have gotten therapy for her agoraphobia and lived a full life.
Instead, she is trapped in this large guesthouse except for when forced to join her terrible family for dinner.
I watch Fiona play her cello in the sunroom as Gatsby sits nearby, poking his head through the curtains to see outside. The dog loves the back courtyard. I’ve been working with Fiona to sit outside. She hadn’t been willing until I took her out just after dusk when she could open her eyes and see the eight-foot-tall, ivy-covered fence.
“It’s like being inside,” I explained. “You’re protected here, too.”
Fiona wasn’t so sure about my logic, but she’s given it a chance over the last few nights. Mostly because she knows the dog likes being outside. Fiona will endure her fear to please those she loves. I hope she can do that for me with my overnight date with Eagle.
I think about my sexy biker and wonder if our passion can survive the bright light of day. I don’t feel like the kind of person who gets the prize. I’m more like the runner up, wearing a big plastic smile while applauding the winner.
In that way, Fiona and I aren’t so different. Our lives are happy when we’re locked behind these walls. Once we get outside, we’re reminded of how little power or value we have in the world.
With Eagle, though, I want to embrace my wildest fantasies. Ever since I saw him, something came alive inside me. I feel like I have a new purpose.
I wake up every day, knowing that impossibly handsome man not only exists but wants me. Even if he ends things, I’ll be better for knowing him.
With her eyes closed, Fiona plays “My Way” on her cello. Standing behind her, I slide my fingers through her hair and hope she doesn’t feel alone in the dark. Her world is so small. I’m her safety blanket. I fear she can’t handle me stepping away from her, even for one night.
That’s why I hide my pregnancy. I’ve gotten it into my head how I can keep my secret forever. I fear Fiona and Eagle won’t handle the news well. I’ve convinced myself that she’ll spiral, and he’ll feel trapped.
Today, I nearly chicken out on talking to Fiona. When she sets the cello aside, I’m startled by her hands on mine in her hair.
“Why are you shaking?” Fiona asks, sounding so young despite being a grown woman.
Wrapping her silky hair into a bun on her head, I explain, “Eagle wants me to go on a real date with him.”
“Why is that scary?”
“For many reasons.”
“Name three.”
I grin at how she mimics the tactic I use with her when she is afraid.
“One is he might realize I’m not what he wants.”
“You should trust Eagle is smart enough to appreciate your many qualities.”
