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All those dreams can come true as long as I follow a very specific path and make only the best choices. Except I don’t know the magic formula.
I’m so afraid to say or do something wrong that I barely speak for the rest of the evening. I keep Fiona close while also clinging to Eagle. I don’t dare look at the children. I barely get out two words to the women who could become my friends.
Eagle must sense I’m lost in my head. He keeps reassuring me with kisses or comforting words. At one point after dinner, he moves me away from everyone else and kisses me until I can’t breathe.
“You don’t like them,” Eagle states despite my earlier compliments about his friends.
“It’s all me,” I explain and gesture back to the family room, where Goose entertains Fiona by asking questions about Gatsby. “Look at how kind your people are. They treat Fiona better than her own family.”
Eagle suddenly smiles full of pride. “Yeah, I ride with solid people. I almost talked myself out of joining their friend group. My life would be garbage if I walked down another path.”
“Well, I’m very happy with your current destination.”
“Then, please, try to mellow out. You look so afraid.”
“I’m just hormonal.”
Eagle nods, assuming I mean I’m PMSing. His warm expression nearly inspires me to blurt out the truth.Why not just say the words?
I hear them in my head. I said them to Jimbo. His reaction was ugly, just like Steve’s was all those years ago. None of my friends or family were happy for me. Even when I got pregnant the second time, people kept saying I was putting too much pressure on Steve. They didn’t believe my birth control failed or that I had dreams of my own. No, I was just trapping that poor man.
My painful memories taint this new joy. I’m certain Eagle will be angry. Now, his friends know. They’re bound to tell him. I’m going to look like an idiot or sneaky.
“Don’t cry,” Eagle says, leaning down to kiss my wet cheeks. “What’s bothering you?”
“I haven’t had a holiday since my old life. Today is great. Everyone is nice. You’re perfect as usual. Look at how happy Fiona is. Today is a big deal for her. She’s never around strangers like this. Look at her smiling right now. Everything is wonderful, yet I keep feeling like I’m drowning.”
Eagle wraps me in his arms as I struggle to control my emotions. I’m exhausted by the time the fireworks start. Fiona agrees to go outside once she has on her earmuffs and glasses. I giggle at the way the bikers just keep picking her up and carrying her around. Tomcat brought her from the chair to the dining room table. Walla Walla picked her up from there and moved her back to the family room. Now, Dice carries her outside.
Eagle and I join her at a lounge chair. Despite her smile, I can tell Fiona’s overwhelmed. Too many people. Too much noise. The kids squeal with joy at the fireworks. The large bikers throw around a football. The wilder it gets, the smaller Fiona gets.
I take charge by having her sit forward, so I can slide behind her in the chair. Once she’s in my arms, Fiona stops shaking, and I get my head centered. Taking care of her is how I’ve survived.
However, surviving isn’t enough anymore. I need to stop hiding behind this broken woman. Eagle deserves more. I want to fall in love with the baby I’m carrying. I’d really like to gossip with Wynonna and the other women. Next year, for Thanksgiving, I see myself as part of the group. That’ll only happen if I push myself now.
As the evening comes to an end, I regret a lot of my behavior. I wish I’d been more outgoing. I certainly should have cried less. I think I teared up more today than I have in years. I could have done so much differently.
However, Eagle seems happy when he follows us to the estate to ensure we get home safe. Kissing him goodnight, I know I need to work up the courage to tell him about the baby.
Fiona cements my resolve when we cuddle in bed later as she centers herself after a wild day.
“Eagle carried me best of everyone. He’s going to be a great dad,” she whispers just before dozing off.
I know she’s right. Eagle might not be excited at first when he learns my news. It’ll likely come as a shock. He could even think I’m trying to trap him. Or my worries could all be wrong.
No matter how things pan out when I fess up, I believe with all my heart how Eagle will offer our child everything he has in his big heart.
