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Back when I was down here alone, I’d often believe my mom would have been better off if I died. She’d be free of a burden. Every time she visited me, Asshole Lloyd would knock on the door and call down. He never let us just be. The fucker even trained my sisters to pitch fits to get my mom to leave. Sometimes, Jillian would cry at how she couldn’t enjoy even an hour of peace with me.
“I loved you first,” she would say when they pulled her away from me. “You made my heart bigger.”
The past rises in me until I can barely breathe. “Her dying nearly killed me. She got sick quick and was gone so fast. I didn’t want to be in this world without her sharing it. I can’t be rational about her. That’s never going to change.”
“I understand,” Irina says, and I know she does.
Wrapping her arms around my waist, this woman soaks in my pain and experiences it with me. I’ve spent most of my life feeling alone, even when surrounded by people who’d die for me. I couldn’t shake my old loneliness. I was stuck feeling like the miserable kid, looking up at the ceiling and listening to his family exist without him.
In Irina’s arms, though, I feel like I’m home. She’s had the power to steal my loneliness since that first night. When she focused on me, I’d felt seen in a whole new way.
Her kisses offer promises, even if she can’t say the words unspoken between us. Once our lips part, I stare into her blue eyes and say my piece.
“And I can’t be rational about you, either, Irina.”
“I love you,” she whispers.
“I need you to give me everything. When you feel out of reach, it makes me crazy.”
“I’m with you.”
“I need you in my bed every night. I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I’m your man. We need to share a last name. Share an address. Wake up together. I need everything.”
Studying her expression, I know Irina’s thinking about the baby. Not the ones she lost, but the baby we made together. I notice her hand adjust lower, wanting to touch her belly. She stops herself, freezing up, still uncertain about us.
Her gaze scans the basement before taking in my frowning face. She caresses the furrows from my brow and brushes her thumb across my lips.
“I don’t know how to make everything work. I have a responsibility to Fiona. I need to prepare her for more changes.”
Frowning darker, I feel like she’s blowing me off. Recalling Fiona’s words at Thanksgiving, I’m certain she’s seen the future and understands how it can’t work without big changes.
“When Nomad fell for Landry, she had four kids and another one the way,” I explain, and Irina cocks a curious eyebrow. “He understood how she was a package deal. I get that with you and Fiona. But I can’t wait much longer. I need you with me. When you’re gone for too long, I start feeling paranoid like I did when I was a kid.”
The floor creaks above us, and I narrow my gaze at Asshole Lloyd shuffling around up there.
“I thought about going to therapy to fix my bullshit,” I admit when my attention returns to Irina’s face. “But I don’t want anyone telling me anything negative about my mom. I can’t deal with that, so I don’t dare open the door to my other garbage. I can’t change, Irina. This is me.”
“Eagle, I know you were surrounded by cruel people growing up,” she says and glances up. “That man didn’t like you for obscene reasons. Only weak people are jealous of children, and he reeks of weakness.”
Frowning upward, I consider killing Asshole Lloyd. The only reason I don’t is because I made a promise to my mom after I founded the club with my friends.
“I knew you were special,” Jillian said when I showed up with my vest and new Harley. “I knew you’d be powerful. You have a quiet strength. That’s why you don’t show off. You don’t need to.”
I’d been so proud knowing she saw me that way. Then, she laid on the guilt.
“Don’t kill Lloyd,” Jillian begged. “I know you can do it. I’m sure you want to. The world wouldn’t miss much if he were gone. But your sisters are daddy’s girls. They would fall apart. I didn’t raise them well enough for them to lift themselves back up after a loss.”
“It’s not your fault they suck.”
“I love them,” she said and then added quietly. “But you were my first.”
I’d smiled at her praise and agreed to her request about Asshole Lloyd. I couldn’t tell the woman no.
“I can’t be responsible for his death,” Jillian explained. “I brought Lloyd into your life. I didn’t make him treat you better. I’m why you want to kill him.”
“You’re why I have the power to kill him,” I told her. “You made me the man I am.”
My mom could have taken my words as an insult. I was saying she turned me into a killer. Instead, she smiled with such pride. Her son was special, standing above the others in town. I rode with the Steel Berserkers Motorcycle Club. We decided who lived and died in McMurdo Valley. That was a win in her book.
