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Suddenly, the door slams open and Alexi’s face comes into view. I instantly know he did this. He wanted to fucking break me, and I think he just found a way to do it. The anguish gripping my heart turns to venomous rage as I look into his eyes. It feels like someone’s hand is wrapping around my throat. I can’t breathe. I can’t think.
I shoot up out of my chair, ready to take him head-on when nausea takes over. I don’t want to run away, but I also don’t want to fall apart right here. Instead of going out the main entrance that Alexi is occupying, I slowly walk to the back door and push it open.
My ears are ringing. They feel hot while the rest of my body feels numb. Once I’m outside and the doors have shut, I run for the nearest unoccupied building—the weapons training facility. Bursting through the doors, I dart for the bathrooms. Luckily, the building is only used on Mondays and Wednesdays, so no one is there when I dart to the bathrooms in the back.
Falling in front of the nearest toilet, my breakfast comes back up before my knees have even hit the floor. My heart constricts, caught between racing with fear, and wanting to give out with how dead I already feel inside. I look down at my shaking hands. My nail polish is already chipping, reflecting just how broken I feel inside.
I got down on my knees for Alexi and bowed to him. I let him punish me, let him use me. I even played his stupid game of dress-up. I dealt with tight spaces even though it was painful. Even when we fought and I took hits from him, I could have handled it if I lost. I would have taken it. Ihavetaken it all. But this. This is it. This is where I draw the line.
More of my breakfast comes up. Wave after wave, my stomach empties itself until I’m sure I’ve broken blood vessels in my face from retching so hard. Tears flow freely down my face with no energy left to hold them back. The world fades away around me, and I feel myself blacking out. Strong hands wrap around my shoulders, gently helping me sit up. My head flops back onto a large chest and instantly I know it’s not Lev or Damien.
“Are you okay, Princess?” A soft voice I hardly recognize asks me. Slowly I turn my head to see Alexi, holding me in his arms. I jerk back and away from him as if he’d just slapped me. Falling out of his arms, I crawl backward on the bathroom floor. “Princess, please listen to me,” he begs, but I can’t look at him. I can’t.
“GET OUT!” I scream at him. “Get out! Get out! GET OUT!” I cry, covering my ears with my eyes closed. My body starts shaking again. Tears are falling as I choke and sob on my own words, kicking out when he tries to touch me.
“Stop!” his voice demands. He grabs me and forces me to my feet. He leans me against the wall, gripping me by my shoulders. “I did not send that. I did not fucking share what that monster did to you. I wouldn’t do that. I swear to you, Evie. I swear.” Alexi’s voice sounds pained, making me almost believe him. Almost.
Opening my eyes, I glare at him with all the hatred that can fit in my body. Hatred at myself for letting me be put in that position in the first place. Hatred towards the man who killed my parents and made this my life. And the pure, unrelenting hatred I feel for Alexi Mikhas.
His brows pinch and his jaw clenches. “Whatthatmonster did to me?” I question him, spitting in his face. “He may be a monster, Alexi, but you’re no better than him. You’re just as evil, just as controlling, and just as demanding. You did the same fucking thing to me!” I yell.
“You did the same thing!” I shove him away from me. Not having the strength to stand, I slide down the wall as tears form again. “You wanted to break me, you wanted me broken, well here I am.” I grab the blade from my thigh, holding it between us.
“I have been tortured, beaten, raped, and I almost fucking died multiple times.” I shake my head pointing the blade at him and looking him in the eyes from where I sit on the floor. My vision is so blurry from the tears I can hardly see the outline of his face anymore.
“I’ve worked past it all. I’ve moved past every single bit of it. I used it all to fuel the fire in me. But this,” I wave my arms around, “this is a pain I never thought I’d fucking feel again. Your words mean less than nothing to me. So swear all you want, yell all you want. I. Don’t. Believe. YOU!”
I take a deep breath, trying to muster up any strength I could have left so I can finish this conversation. “I’m so fucking done. I’m done following your orders, I’m done playing this game. If you want me off the island this bad, then just man up and fucking do it.”
He kneels in front of me, looking almost as weak as I feel. “I didn’t do this,” he whispers, but I just shake my head at him.
“I don’t care,” I tell him, my voice breaking, “I’m fucking done.”
“Please…” he pleads, “please let me show you I’m not like him, I’m not that monster.” He reaches his arm toward me. My blade slices through the middle of his hand before he can blink.
I’m done with his soft touches. I’m done with him pretending to be gentle now that he’s destroyed every carefully constructed wall I’ve built around my heart. Now that he’s destroyedme. I'm done with him acting like a caring human because it’s not real. None of it is.
He pulls his hand back without a word, clenching it into a fist as blood pools and drips out of his hand. “Get. The. Fuck. OUT!” I yell at him.
Alexi stands slowly, his carefully styled hair falling forward in his eyes as he shakes his head. He pulls open the door, but before he leaves, he looks back at me. “I’m going to find out who did this,” he says, “and I’ll make sure they fucking pay.”
I don’t say anything. I don’t even look at him. The door closes, and I sit there knowing that everyone on this island has now seen me being used. They all heard that man call me a whore while forcing himself down my throat. And while I sit there, my mind replays every moment another man forced himself on me.
I remember being at the compound when I wasn’t fully trained yet, and the guards would sneak into my room at night. When I went to the camps set up for training, but was tricked and strapped to every surface imaginable while men did vile things to me. I see every one of their faces as they each took a piece of me I would never get back. My mind flashes to the moment my uncle and Havoc finally found me and saved me from his rogue men. I think about the way they looked at me, like I was broken. That’s how Alexi looked at me, that’s how they’ll all look at me now.
I slide my pants down my legs, taking them off, then adjust the blade in my hand. Carefully, I begin cutting into my outer thigh. Not enough to bleed out, but likely enough to need stitches. I’ll figure medical stuff out later, right now I could care less. All that matters is the pain. The pain that helps me center my breathing as I watch the flow of crimson trail down my leg, taking the anguish with it. Leaving me numb. Numb and empty. Because feeling anything at all right now is too much.
Cut after cut I keep going. Breathe in, breathe out, cut. Accept the pain, accept that I’m forced to live this life. Accept that I have no control. Breathe in, breathe out, cut. Accept that I’m the reason Alexi’s men were murdered. Accept that I’m betraying the men I’m falling for. Breathe in, breathe out, cut. Accept that I’ll never be good. Accept that I'll never be good enough.
No matter what I do, no matter who I become, this will always be me. I will always be broken, I will always be too weak to overcome it all.
I think about my uncle and what he would see if he were here now. He would be disgusted that I let someone else get to me. I haven’t overcome so much, just to let this be the one thing that ruined me. I knew Alexi didn’t care about me like Lev and Damien, but I didn’t think he hated me this much. I just figured he had a hard time letting other people in. I assumed, with all his medications, he was particular and didn’t welcome change. He might not like me, but eventually he could warm up to me. Not because that's what I needed from him, but because I thought maybe there could be a few people who liked me for me and the fight I was willing to bring.
I’m gliding the blade down my leg when the door opens again and Damien walks in. His eyes widen with surprise as he takes in the blood, my leg now dripping with it. I don’t move though. I’m not ashamed of what I do to force myself into the present. It helps numb the pain. It helpsmefeel numb to the world.
Damien is silent as he kneels next to me, looking over the wounds on my leg. There are at least ten cuts by now. I don’t look at him. Instead, I stare off into space, wishing on all the stars there are that this is a new form of a night terror and not my reality.
How can I go to classes? Have our instructors seen that video? What will they think of me to know I didn’t just fail my challenge, I was caught and willing to do anything not to be arrested? Will they expect me to get on my knees for them for a good grade?
