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She continued to reflect on the dilemma while she gave Blake her requested tour of the apartment. She knew her friend was aware of her distraction but was grateful when Blake tactfully refrained from questioning her any further.
And as they moved from room to room in an apartment that she hadn’t visited at all before her engagement to Ben—and even after that she’d only been here once—her distraction gradually gave way to curiosity. She’d had zero interest in truly getting to know the space since moving in. Too preoccupied with her grief and her vague belief that she’d move out at some point. But now she was finally appreciating the airy beauty of the luxurious space.
“He’s got pretty good taste,” Blake said a while later, unconsciously repeating Lilah’s exact thought, after they’d completed their tour of the spacious penthouse—they’d respected Ben’s privacy and stayed away from his office though—and found themselves sitting on a couple of patio chairs in the middle of the bland roof garden. In fact, this garden was the only space in the place that didn’t reflect any of Ben’s personal taste.
The interior of the penthouse was decorated in vibrant shades of blues and greens, and littered with beautiful artwork by little known—or unknown—artists. A lot of his decorative items appeared to be random pieces picked up from flea shops or markets in various parts of the world. Everything reflected a personality that was anything but staid, and it once again brought home to Lilah how little she knew the man she’d once believed herself in love with. How much of himself he’d kept back from her over the years.
Now she and Blake sat up on the roof, in front of the frameless glass railings and, from their vantage point on the mountainside, stared down at white sands and turquoise waters of Clifton’s 3rd beach. The sand was dotted with umbrellas, and tiny distant people, lounging, swimming or playing.
It felt a whole world away.
“I never understood why people like these beaches,” Lilah murmured, tilting her jaw toward the pristine beach down below.
“I mean… look at it,” Blake said. “It’s perfect.”
“But the water is so cold and unwelcoming. Frigid. Why do we do that? We know that it’s not going to be a pleasant experience, but we still go back time and time again to torture ourselves. Surely no amount of beauty is worth that pain? When we have so many other beautiful beaches with much warmer water to enjoy, why keep coming back here?”
Her voice wobbled on the last word and she sensed Blake’s head turning toward her, while she kept her own gaze forward.
“Lilah, what’s going on? This isn’t just about your grandfather, I sensed—during our few short communications while you were on honeymoon—that something wasn’t right. Hell, I sensed it at the wedding.”
Lilah’s face crumpled and she buried her face in her hands.
“Oh no,” Blake whispered, scooting her chair closer and wrapping her arms around Lilah. “Oh sweetie, please talk to me.”
“He doesn’t love me,” Lilah confessed in a raw voice. “He doesn’t love me, Blake. He never did. I’m not sure he even likes me.”
“I don’t…” Blake’s bafflement was clear as her words stumbled to a halt. “Ben? You’re talking about Ben?”
“You warned me, I know you did. And like an idiot I didn’t listen. I should have listened.”
“No, I thought he’d be too cold and distant for a warm, emotionally generous woman like you, but I never dreamed he didn’t… Why do you say he doesn’t love you? What makes you think that?”
Lilah laughed bitterly and met her friend’s confused and concerned gaze through a sheen of angry tears.
Oh but the anger felt good after all the pain and she clung to it, desperate to hold it close and keep the numbness at bay.
“He told me,” Lilah said, swiping at her tears with the backs of her hands. “On our wedding night. No, on our wedding day, in the frikkin’ car after we left the church. He told me he didn’t love me and he’d believed that I was compliant in some crazy scheme to marry him for convenience. And he was happy about that compliance, he thought it would suit us to have some kind of loveless marriage arrangement. Have kids, live together and feel nothing for each other.”
“Oh, my God. What the fuck? Who does that?”
“Ben does that. Because Ben doesn’t believe in love, but—get this—even though he was uncomfortable with the thought of me thinking he was in love with me… he has now oh-so-generously decided that maybe it would be okay if I believed myself in love with him. Since that would make things easier for me.”
“Jesus, what the fuck kind of sociopath is he? Lilah, you can’t stay in this. It’s nuts!”
“I know that. I told him so. He married me because it was what would be best for the precious company, and because it would make Gramps happy… and he thought I married him for the same reasons.”
