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I made a decision. I shut down all those foolish thoughts I was having about a future with Skylar. Standing in the kitchen with her hair in a ponytail, looking like a sad and confused kid on Sunday, I had to get up and leave when Olivia went to her, comforted her and told Skylar she loved her.
It hit me with the force of a freight train.
Swooping in and planting myself into her life? I keep telling myself she’s a woman—I’ve got the law on my side after all—but I’m lying to myself. She’s still grieving a devastating loss, still figuring it out, still trying to find her place in this world.
I shake the guilt and the misery off before it can take hold. Tell myself that I need to lighten up.
I’ve already committed to having Skylar care for Olivia over the summer in between the two trips we’ll take to Florida to see my parents, so there’s that. But next year Sky will be student teaching while Olivia will be in full-time kindergarten. If she can just give me a few afternoons a week, that will be great. Make it easier. No sudden break, nothing that will hurt. The transition will be gradual.
Olivia will be all right, I’ll make sure of it, and I can all but guarantee that Skylar will be better off for it in the long run.
My feelings don’t factor into this equation. I just have to deal with it, I tell myself. Have to keep that part of my life compartmentalized.
That’s the pep talk that led me to say yes when Max pushed this double date on me.
I shot him down straight away, but then relented when he called again on Sunday night assuring me she wasn’t some club bunny just looking for a good time. Turns out Max is dating a nurse and her best friend is a lawyer.You’ll like Lexi, he said.She’s nice, she’s smart and she’s hot.
And she’s not Skylar.That’s what I was thinking, still freaking out from the aftermath of the weekend.
I flew back home early from Miami for one reason and one reason only: I wanted to see her.
I wanted to see Skylar and to be with her playing house in the home I built. And I wasn’t disappointed. The mess and the cranky little fella aside, I felt something powerful when I walked in to see her holding a baby in her arms.
I wanted her to be mine, wanted her to be holding the childwemade together. I wanted to walk in and do the wholeHoney, I’m homeroutine.
Fucking ridiculous, that’s how I felt Sunday morning in the cold harsh light of day.
I’ll never see Olivia as anything but a light in my life, the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me, but in the eyes of your average twenty-something who’s just starting out, I’m sure my life looks like a trap.
I’m bound by school schedules and bedtime routines. I don’t take spur of the moment trips. I don’t bar hop on the weekends, grab concert tickets last minute or try out the trendy new restaurants on the strip.
Skylar fits in my life. She’d make my life complete. But I don’t fit in hers. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s the truth.
So even though I’m looking forward to Friday night about as much as I’d look forward to having a tooth pulled, I’ll go. And I’ll go into it with an open mind. I’ll do my best not to think of Skylar as I’m sitting across from Lexi the lawyer.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Skylar
And the cold war rages on.
Maybe I’m being paranoid. That’s what I thought on Tuesday night when Maureen showed up to relieve me. But he texted to cancel on Thursday—no phone call—then left a voice message to tell me he was taking the day off on Friday. And the kicker? He sent a follow-up text to assure me that he’dpay for my time. Way to make me feel pathetic.
Absolutely not. I won’t accept it. And it’s fine. I need to get some studying done anyway.
He wrote:When is your last final?
And I felt like writing back:Oh, we’re making small-talk now?But instead I just typed out:Tuesday morning.
He makes me feel like I’m a disease carrying organism. Forget being in close proximity, I get the impression that even the sight of me is something he’d like to avoid at all costs.
It’s a good thing I’m a decent student to begin with and that I haven’t been slacking off this semester, because my ability to focus is shot to hell. I’ve sat in the library every day this week wondering what it is that I’ve done wrong.
Driving over to their house in my Sentra on Friday night—I discreetly dropped his car off with the keys yesterday when he cancelled on me yet again—I am so angry. I’m mad at myself for even entertaining that stupid question. I haven’t doneanythingwrong where Olivia is concerned. I care for her the way I would care for a family member. I care for her the way I would care for my own child.
Maureen called me twenty minutes ago. She’s babysitting tonight.Oh, really?I’m having an imaginary conversation with Leo as I drive.So you tell me you’re taking the day off and then ask Maureen to take care of Olivia? Maureen, thehellionyou blame for all of Olivia’s bad habits? What a liar, what a fraud you are.
And when I walk in Maureen doesn’t look the least bit under the weather. It’s nearly eleven o’clock, and I’d much rather be in bed than be in this house right now.
