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“Skylar.”
It’s almost comical, the way he says my name. He doesn’t know what to make of this Skylar, doesn’t know how tohandleher. She’s angry and no one wants that, do they? He likes the Skylar who makes his life easy, who acts like she doesn’t have a care in the world, who floats in and out with a smile on her face every damn day.
He acts like he’s looking out for me, doing me a favor, that he knows better. I let out a cheerless laugh as I imagine what’s going through his head right now. Maybe he thinks I’ll look back on this moment ten years from now and say to myself,You know what? Leo was right.Whew, I really dodged a bullet there.
Every look, every time he says my name it stings, so now I want to hurt him back.
“You don’t remember me from that night in the club, do you?”
I can see the wheels turning. A long minute passes before—jackpot!—the color begins to drain from his face. I’ve hit my mark and it feels good. So good that I can’t stop.
“I know what your hands feel like, Leo. What you just did a few minutes ago? You did a whole lot more out on the dance floor that night, didn’t you?” I watch as he swallows, watch as he stands there struggling for something to say. My tone is hard when I command, “Look at me,” and he obeys.
“You know every curve of my body. And I bet you still think back to that night. When you’re all alone in that big bed I bet you touch yourself remembering exactly what it felt like. The weight of my breasts in your hands, my fingers fisting your hair.” I fix my eyes on his on his crotch and see that he’s still hard. “Do you still think about how good it felt to grind against me?”
He’s shaking his head, so confused. He doesn’t know who I am anymore and neither do I. This Skylar is hateful, she’s bitter, and after the volcano inside of her is done erupting, she’s just done.
I walk back to the living room and grab my bag from the couch. He calls after me when my hand is on the doorknob, “We need to talk.”
I won’t look at him, not now. “No, we really don’t. I’ve been through much worse, Leo, so don’t worry, I’ll get over this. And don’t you dare make any stupid decisions that will hurt Olivia. I’m still working for you. My feelings won’t get in the way so don’t sweat it.”
My hands shake violently as I turn the key in the ignition and shift into gear. I drive slowly, so wound up that I know I have no business being behind the wheel right now. By the time I reach campus my breathing has evened out more or less, and I’m thinking more clearly.
He’s probably going to fire me, and Lord knows he’d be justified. I raise up a silent prayer to God, as if He can control Leo and make him see reason. Still sitting there in the parking lot, I can’t help but cry when I think about the potential fallout from what I’ve just done. I’m not tooting my own horn or anything when I think about Olivia, but I know she’ll be devastated if I just up and vanish from her life. He won’t do that to her. He can’t.
My bag feels like it weighs a hundred pounds as I trudge up the stairs and open the door to my dark, quiet room. My roommate left for home yesterday after she took her last final. It was the flattest, most blah goodbye I’ve ever participated in. All this year, the two of us have just come and gone, saying hello and goodbye, polite and impassive. I feel the way I did in September. I feel alone.
I’ll be going home after I watch Olivia on TuesdayifI still have a job. Right. And where is home? Is that what I call Garth and Sienna’s place now? I’ll stuff my bag into the back of James’s closet, I’ll sleep on the couch, I’ll be taking up too much space and overstaying my welcome. They would never make me feel that way, I know that, but the truth is that I don’t belong there.
It’s only for two weeks. Figured I’d spend some quality time with James while Leo takes Olivia down to visit with her grandparents. Then I’m moving into an off-campus summer sublet with a friend of a friend of Simone’s.
The thought of that place does nothing to lift my spirits.
I was happy to find the last-minute house share until I pulled up outside to leave my deposit with the girl who arranged it. It looked like a frat house, with garbage littering the front yard and beat-up upholstered furniture on the porch that no one saw fit to protect from the elements. It smells like mold when you stand on the porch and weed once you step inside.
Holly—I only know her name from Simone’s text—followed the path my eyes took after she let me in. I’m guessing she was probably worried I was about to back out when she said, “We had a party last night. It usually doesn’t look like this.”
I took her word for it and handed over my share of the rent for June and July.It’s just a place to sleep, I told myself.I’ll hardly be here at all.
But now, flopping down onto my bed, I’m not sure what my immediate future looks like. Even if Leo does keep me on, is he going to pull what he did last week? Cutting my hours and making excuses because the mere sight of me makes him uncomfortable? I lay one arm over my face, trying to block out the image of that scene in the kitchen. If he was uncomfortable last Sunday after that non-event, imagine what he feels like now?
I try my best to shake it off and start with the positive self-talk. I tell myself Leo’s a reasonable person, and above all else, that he loves his daughter. The odds of me being fired are low. And if he cuts my hours I’ll find a second job. Keep busy, keep plugging along. That’s what I’ll do.
I don’t have any other choice.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Leo
I pull her text message up again, read it for what’s probably the tenth time.
I was out of line last night. I’m sorry.
I don’t know how to reply. I can’t just write that it’s fine, orLet’s just forget about it.
Believe me, I’d give my right arm to develop a sudden case of amnesia right now, but I can’t forget one word or one look that passed between us last night.
I hope she’s not looking at her phone, because I’ve started typing and then stopped myself three different times. She’ll be thinking the worst looking at the dialogue bubble popping up and then disappearing again and again and again.
