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“So you just decided to blow me off?”
I cross my arms, digging in, but then remind myself that there’s no satisfaction in winning when I’m fighting with Damien. My arms fall back to my sides as I gesture for him to follow me into my room.
“I don’t like this feeling.”
“What are you saying, exactly?”
“I hate myself for being jealous, for being angry, and I hate that I’m taking it out on you.”
“If the roles were reversed, I’d be angry too, but you have to know that there’s nothing between me and Gianna. I think you do know that.”
“I believe you, if that’s what you’re asking me. But I know she has feelings for you, and I’m not comfortable with that.” I take a seat on my bed and he follows. “Last night I was sitting here alone driving myself crazy. I mean, you texted to tell me you were having dinner at their house, and I was just picturing all of you laughing together and having a great time.” I put my hand on his knee to stop him before he can respond. “You’re tied to her in a way that’s different. We’re new and what we have is fragile, while you’re practically a part of her family, her brother’s best friend. It’s cozy and familiar in a way that we’re just...not.”
“I see her as just that, my best friend’s sister, nothing more.”
“But when it comes to helping Eli, you two are, I don’t know...Like a team. I get it, but it still doesn’t make it easy to handle when she calls and you go running.”
He takes my hand, rubbing his thumb over it to soothe me as we sit in silence.
“Hey, look at me.” I’m trying my best not to cry but it’s no use. I cough to clear my throat and look down into my lap so I can bat away the errant tears. But he turns my chin so I have no choice but to face him, and then kisses one cheek and then the other, taking my tears as his own. “I should have filled you in better. That’s on me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Eli tried to kill himself right at the end of our tour.”
“Right after your friend?”
“Cooper, yeah.” He pauses for a full minute, and I wait so he can work out whatever it is that he’s trying to tell me. “The last few months of that tour were a struggle for every single one of us, but Eli and a few of the others just fell into a black hole or something. Coop never made it home,” he pauses to clear his throat, “but for the others, you’d think coming home would make the depression or trauma or whatever it is ease up some. I mean, you’re back, you’re outta there. But it’s like it gets worse. It’s like me and everyone else around Eli has to remind him day after day after day that he’s got something to live for.”
“He doesn’t see it that way?”
“He’s having a hard time adjusting to civilian life. He doesn’t know who he is outside of being a Marine, and truth is, he wasn’t all that gung-ho about being a Marine in the first place. He’s just lost. All that stuff about Eli and me going into business with his dad when he finishes school and I get out? That’s me and Mr. Oliveri hatching those plans. Eli is ambivalent.”
“How are the others?”
“Most of us are doing all right, but two of the guys in our platoon are struggling like Eli. They’re in and out of the VA hospital, getting prescribed whatever meds they can get their hands on. I’m not a doctor so I really don’t know jack shit, but I think those pills don’t much of anything besides get you hooked on pills.”
“They aren’t in therapy?”
“Eli is but I don’t know about the others. And you do need therapy, along with family and friends around you, but most of all you need a purpose.”
“A purpose?”
“A belief that you have something to contribute, that you have a future, or maybe it’s just knowing you have people who are counting on you.”
“Eli has all of that, doesn’t he?”
“He has the support of family and friends, he’s in therapy twice a week, but a purpose? No, I don’t think he’s bought into the idea of his future. Not yet, anyway.”
“It would be nice if he met someone.”
“She’d have to be someone pretty special. He’s a lot to take on at the moment. But I’ve had the same thought myself.” He squeezes my hand gently. “Talking to you, or just being with you even when we’re not talking? I know for a fact that it helps me.”
“It does?”
His expression is somber when he nods. “You make me happy, Grace. You make me think I’ve got a future that’s worth fighting for, a person and a life to come home to. And that’s not me using words to trap you in place or guilt you into staying with me. I understand that time and distance can wreck what we have, and believe me, I am so angry at myself. I don’t want to leave you. But falling in love with you has me believing that maybe someday I can have that life...You, me, a house right on the river. And even if I don’t get to have that with you, I’d still be grateful for what you’ve given me these past few weeks.”
“I can’t stomach the thought of you leaving, even though I know we only have a few days left.”
