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“Penny...”
“And you’re going to find this out, so let me just get it out before I’m too embarrassed.”
I’m bracing for something really horrible, so when she says, “I’ve been with Logan, too,” I’m relieved.
“I knew you were hooking up with Logan.”
“You did?”
“Everyone knows.”
“He doesn’t really acknowledge me that way either, so I didn’t think anyone knew.”
“How did that work? You and Logan and Parker are always sailing together.” When she doesn’t answer, I ask, “Wait...they both...”
“Yeah. I was with both of them. I told myself we were all like, more worldly than the rest of you, more mature, but that was a crock of shit. I was a joke to them. One afternoon I actually heard Logan tell someone that I was a slut. And I don’t know,” she starts to cry, “I don’t know why I stayed down below deck and kept my mouth shut.”
“Penny.”
She cuts me off even though I had nothing more to say. “I’m not telling you all this so that you feel bad or take pity on me or anything. I just need you to hear me out.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’ve been staying quiet all this time. I stood by and watched last year when Parker started paying attention to you. God, it made me so mad. You got the kind words, you got all the good stuff. I’d hang back and watch him stare at you in class or try to flirt with you. You barely acknowledged him and he just kept at it, trying to,” she shakes her head and lets out a breath, “woo you right in front of me.”
“You were jealous?”
“Yes, no...I don’t even know. I just couldn’t figure out what you had that I hadn’t already given him.”
I’m talking to myself when I say, “I can’t believe this has been going on behind my back for a year and I never caught on.”
“It wasn’t all the time. He hasn’t touched me since—”
I roll over on my side and push her shoulder. “He touched you last night!”
Penny looks scared. “I know.” She grabs for my hands and holds them in hers. “But please believe me when I tell you that I was beyond drunk. It’s no excuse but I’ve been avoiding him since that night when I walked in on you two a few weeks ago.”
The memory of it, and the realization that I gave Parker a piece of myself—that I trusted him—makes me physically sick. I’m weak as I push her off and whip the covers back. I need to lock myself in my bathroom for a few minutes. I need to wash my face, wash all of this off. Studying myself in the mirror, I tell the girl looking back at me to get a grip.You don’t even like him. I even start to tell myself that Penny did me a favor, but stop short of finishing that one.
Does anyone even like me? If my boyfriend fed me all those cheap lines, lied to my face for the better part of a year, and my best friend acted like everything was all good while screwing him behind my back—what does that say about me?
Penny gives a weak knock on the door before asking, “Do you want me to go?”
But I don’t want her to go. No, I want her to explain this shit to me. Opening the door, I fix her with a look that’s probably murderous. “Did you two laugh at me behind my back? Was I a joke to you?”
“No! Never! I swear to you...It’s like it was two universes. You and Parker were the real life version, and me...Iwas the joke.”
I shuffle back over to my bed and sit with my back up against the headboard, gesturing for her to join me. “Why would he bother with me then?”
“He really does like you, Sarah.” When I let out a cheerless laugh she adds, “I’m not looking to plead his case or anything, I’m just telling you that he sees you differently than the way he sees me. He’ll always comment on how smart you are, and he brags to people about how you’re going to an ivy league school for sure. God, he talks about your riding, your perfect parents, the fact that he’s already like a member of your family...He’s pretty much nauseating when it comes to you.”
“I didn’t mean it when I told him I loved him. I wish I never said it back to him.”
“Are you going to talk to him when he calls?”
“No. There’s nothing to say. I don’t want his cheap words.”
“Or mine,” she mutters. I don’t respond. A minute passes before she says, “Can I ask you something?” I look her in the eye, noncommittal, because let’s face it, I owe hernothing. “Are you friends with that kid Mike? I saw you get in their car last night.”
