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“You’re crying.”
I smiled, batting that one hot tear from my cheek. “I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass to you, Sarah.”
“I know.”
Fully in the memory, I see his face, inches from mine. So close that I can see the indecision in his eyes. He wants to bridge the gap again but he’s nervous. Me?Imake him nervous? It doesn’t seem possible, but I can see that’s what is holding him back. “Kiss me again,” I tell him, and he does.
This kiss is soft too, but now he’s holding me close, moving his hands to make a slow path up to my shoulders and then back down, skimming over my arms until he hits the curve of my hips. The kiss goes on as his hands move, sticking to that safe path. I pull back just to get the sweatshirt that’s swimming on me off and over my head, and as I toss it aside, I find him staring at what I’ve revealed.
I’m nervous about going any further with him, but I want to at the same time. I’ve thought about Liam, dreamed about the moment we’re currently in more times than I could count on all my fingers and toes, but didn’t figure that my heart would be hammering in my chest, or that he’d look as unsure as I am. But my fear dissipates when he kisses me again and keeps his hands resting on my hips. This, I decide, is better.
Slow, careful, deliberate.
I don’t know if the tide is going to change after this spell is broken. Past experience tells me that Liam may scowl at me the next time we cross paths and make me regret this. I pray that’s not the case, but I’m not giving myself over to anyone just yet. Parker taught me a valuable lesson last night.
It’s the memory of Parker that brings me back to my senses—that and the sound of Penny’s voice coming from downstairs.
“Thanks, Audrey. I feel as bad as I probably look right now.” My mother says something but her voice is muffled compared to Penny’s. “Maybe I should bring one up for Sarah, too.” And in response to what my mother says next, she replies, “No, don’t worry, Sarah didn’t overdo it last night. She’s not as stupid as I am.”
I’m not ready to face her when she knocks a minute later, so I bury myself back under the covers and turn to face the wall.
I can hear her sigh when she comes in, her steps as she crosses my room, and the sound the glasses make when she rests them on my nightstand. I can also hear her breath hitch when the mattress dips under her weight. She’s curled herself up right next to me, and I begin to cry when she wraps one arm around me. Penny is crying too, and neither one of us speaks for what feels like an eternity as she keeps hold of me.
I don’t know how to hate her.
“I’m so sorry, Sarah. There’s nothing I can say in my defense, I know that. And I know I sound like an absolute fraud when I say that I never meant to hurt you, but I didn’t.” She sniffles and catches her breath before saying, “It’s like there’s this disconnect between what I was doing and reality. I wouldn’t let myself think about how awful I was or who I was hurting.” She pauses and then says, “If it makes you feel any better, no one is talking to me. Not Tatiana, Clara, Logan...basically no one in the universe.”
She doesn’t mention Parker’s name, but I’m pretty sure he’s not standing by her side through all this. That’s not his style.
It’s like Penny has read my thoughts when she adds, “Parker practically spat on me when he came back inside last night, like this is all my fault.”
When I roll over to face her, I can see Penny’s face is puffy and red, and her eyes are bloodshot. For a split second I’m happy to see her suffering, but that feeling doesn’t last. There’s no way to feel victorious here.
“My closest friend with my boyfriend...Why?” Her face is blank. She has no answer for me. “Penny, you have to give me something here. What happened?Whendid it happen?” Penny takes a deep breath, but before she starts in I feel the need to warn her, “The truth. Don’t you dare lie to me. I’ll never forgive you if you lie to me right now.”
She nods and swallows. “Ninth grade. It was at that sailing camp we used to go to in Maine. The one where the boys stayed on one side of the lake and the girls’ camp was on the other.”
“Freshman year? The summer before or the summer after?”
“After.”
Parker’s words repeat in my head.It was at sailing camp...it was awkward and rushed and lame.“Wait...soyouwere his first? His first time was with you?”
“Yeah…My first, too.” She rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling. “And it’s not exactly the touching kind of memory you read about in those Nicholas Sparks books.” She lets out a sad laugh when she says, “Parker wouldn’t even look at me the next day.”
“Was that it? I mean, did it stop for a while?”
“I wish.” She turns back and props herself up on her elbow to look down at me. “And I mean that. If I could go back and do it all over again, I never would have been with him that first time.”
“Did he push you to do it?”
“Not really. I swear, I think he was more scared than I was. And I think he kind of hated me for it afterwards. The other boys knew, which was horrible. On Friday nights they held these campfires...The boy and girl groups mixed together. At the next one, every boy was laughing at me. Parker was smirking but I could tell he didn’t like the attention either. And of course the other girls found out soon enough. It was near the end of the summer, thank God, because I was a pariah those last two weeks.”
“And when you came back?”
“I guess Parker had some epiphany that this could work to his advantage. He’d go from totally ignoring me at school during the day, to sneaking me onto his boat after practices and at night.”
