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“Yeah. Mike wouldn’t have been able to get them on tape if Penny hadn’t tipped him off.”
“I guess, but I still see it as a cheap way to try and make it up to me. I’m not feeling the love and forgiveness vibe just yet.”
“No judgement here. I have loads of people on my own personal shit list.” And I guess I do want to expose her to the ugly side of my life, because I press on when she’s no longer asking me anything. “So, you wanted to know about my first time?”
“I want to know everything about you.”
Her hand is still resting above mine on the gearshift, and it feels good, like something I need. I definitely need something to tell this story I’ve never told before.
Buckle up,Sarah.
“My sister—”
“Lorraine?”
Nodding, my voice suddenly isn’t much above a whisper when I tell her, “She had this friend, Denise. An idiot who did my sister the solid of introducing her to her baby daddy, another sub-par individual.” She’s turned in her seat, her full attention on me now, so I make a joke to ease my discomfort. “Notice I don’t use the wordloserbecause it’s been lobbed my way one too many times.” Sarah doesn’t laugh, just nods in a way that encourages me to go on. “It’s like Lorraine is my mom reincarnated. Same patterns, same life path.”
I’m wishing she’d chime in, but she stays quiet, gives me room to loop back around to where I started. “So her friend would stay over a lot, and…”
She gives me some time and then offers, “You hooked up with her?”
“Uh, she hooked up with me. Snuck into my bed.”
“How long ago was this?”
I pause like I’m trying to recall, when I remember every sickening detail of that first time. “I was thirteen, I think?”
Sarah leans forward slightly. “And how old was she?”
“Older.” I laugh even though there’s nothing remotely funny linked to my very fucked up coming of age. But I need to ease the tension, to ease the embarrassment the memory triggers, to ease this sudden urge I have to punch the windshield. “I’d like to say I was smooth, that I had some moves, but I really—”
Her voice is soft when she repeats her question, “How old was she?”
“Nineteen.”
Sarah shifts slowly, facing front again. “Did you realize what was happening?”
I shrug. “I caught on pretty fast.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what? I know where you’re heading and it wasn’t like that. I was into it.”
She can see right through this bullshit revisionist history I’m attempting to spin on the fly. “Liam, itwaslike that. If a much,mucholder guy snuck into bed with me and gave me my first sexual experience, it would be a crime, not the awkward fling you’re making it out to be.”
It’s like she’s letting the air out of a balloon, and I’m grateful for it, for her. Sarah’s not looking at me with judgement or pity. She’s just being present while I work this out on my own. “Believe me, I know that…I know it wasn’t right.”
She gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “Were you scared?”
“Yeah,” I admit, my eyes fixed on the road.
“Have you ever told your sister? Does she know?”
“I never told Lorraine.”
“You should tell your sister.”
“What’s the point? Denise moved, hasn’t been around in a long time. I’ll never cross paths with her again. And I’m certainly not looking to star in my own real-life version of Law and Order, so what’s done is done.”
