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He rubbed a hand through his hair.“I wasn’t a Christian, but I knew better. I just didn’t care.” He swallowed, then just said it. “I got Lana pregnant.”
He hung his head so he wouldn’t have to see the accusing look accompanying the gasp he heard. He had to continue, get it all out now, while he still could. “I wasn’t thinking, just got caught up in the heat of the moment, and…it happened.”
He chanced a quick glimpse at Sarah’s face, then wished he hadn’t. She’d paled, staring at him with shocked, wide eyes. “You’re a father?”
Dan shook his head. “Lana only told me when she started to show after four months. She’d kept it hidden—I think she thought maybe I’d marry her or something.” Another intake of breath. “I was twenty-one, my career was just taking off, I was in the midst of talks about being traded back here, and then this happened. I didn’t want it, even asked her to have an abortion.”
He winced again at Sarah’s gasp.
“She refused. I got desperate, said I’d give her money to just go away, but she wouldn’t. It went on for weeks. I even prayed and asked God to take the baby.”
Another sound of shock.
“I know I was selfish, but I was so desperate. Then it happened.” He swallowed. “At seven months she went to a doctor’s appointment, and they told her the baby had died. Just like I’d prayed.”
He blinked back tears at the memory of that awful time. Lana had told him about his perfectly formed tiny son whom he’d never wanted, never wanted to see until it was too late. Even though he intensely regretted all that had occurred, he still wished the innocent life had been spared.Lord, forgive me.
Ange wandered into the kitchen, laughing at a comment from someone in the front room. She filled up a jug of water before noticing them huddled in the corner. “Hey, guys, you okay in here?”
Dan looked up. She must have realized what was going on, as her mouth rounded into an O. Ange cast a quick glance at Sarah, who sat with her head propped in one hand, before shooting him a compassionate look and slowly exiting.
“Sar?” He reached for her other hand, but she moved it away, the action enlarging the ache in his heart. He had to finish this, even though he knew the longer he talked the more she hurt.
“I couldn’t say anything to my folks or the guys on the team.” His voice cracked. “It was horrible. I was here, trying to deal with this, trying to figure out all this stuff to do with a new team. My head was a mess, and I was open to anything that would help. I’d known Boyd since high school, and when he asked me to church I finally said yes. I met John and Ange, told them my story, and found God. Later, I joined the online Bible study group, which helped too.” Dan swallowed. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. I should have told you this before, but I… I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
He glanced up only to see her shocked face staring at him in disbelief. Her eyes…oh man, her eyes looked so, so sad, as if the light that had been there these past six months had been totally, irrevocably extinguished. The diamonds mockingly twinkled at her throat.
She hated him. The innocent minister’s daughter didn’t understand. Wouldn’t understand. Cheers of “Happy new year” came from the front room.
He swallowed. “I know this is hard to hear, but I’m so glad we don’t have any more secrets between us.”
* * *
Oh,Dan, if only we didn’t.Her eyes burned. So this was why he was so keen to be a dad. He’d made some poor choices in the past—who hadn’t?—and eight years of regret had strengthened into cause. He wanted—no, heneededto have a chance at fatherhood. His confession, which he obviously thought so challenging, challenged her for quite a different reason. Any doubt about her decision had just crystallized into certainty.
God?
No answer, but a peace that this was right stole across her.
She exhaled. Lifted her head. Stared ahead at the cream kitchen cabinetry so she wouldn’t see his face and lose her nerve. Allowed him to repossess her hand.
“Sarah, I’m so sorry I disappointed you. I know I’m not perfect.”
Her lips pressed together. How many times had he warned her he wasn’t perfect? And had she listened? No.
“Sarah? Please say something.”
Her throat felt scratchy and raw. “I…I’m so sorry, Dan. It must have been so awful.”
“Yeah.” He exhaled brokenly, as if the weight of years was gushing free.
Compassion surged and she shifted to wrap him in a hug. “It’s okay,” she whispered, inhaling his enticing scent through clogged nostrils. “We all make mistakes, but God forgives us.”
His clasp tightened into fierceness, as if he needed her understanding. But he didn’t, she realized. Not really. He might have been a Christian for a number of years, but he needed to know God’s mercy. To trulyknowGod’s grace. Her eyes filled, and she pressed her head against his neck. Just another thing she’d pray about for him when they were parted.
“I love you,” he murmured.
“I love you too,” she replied automatically. And because she loved him, she had to say this now. His pain only renewed her purpose, strengthened her resolve to finally share the secret blazing in her chest. The secret she should’ve shared after Thanksgiving. The one that ensured she couldn’t be part of his future.Lord, help me.
