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He backs out and I drop my head on my dad's arm, sobbing, feeling my heart break a little more with each second. I lift his hand and put it on my head, pushing it back and forth, like he used to when I needed him to stroke my hair to get me to sleep.
"Who's going to help me sleep now, Dad? Why didn't you tell me? Didn't you trust me to keep your secret? Is it because I didn’t share my secret with you? I’m sorry, Daddy… I’m so sorry.”
I whisper the same words over and over until I have no more energy left to keep my eyelids open.
When I wake, I'm leaning back in a chair by the bed, a jacket covering me. Nathan is standing on the other side, tears on his face as he looks at our dad's face.
"We have to... we have to let him go, Kiara,” he says when he sees me awake.
"No."
"Kiara."
"He's still here, Nathan. Feel him, he’s warm. He’s still here.”
"He's not. He's gone. This is just his body."
"It's still something. Please don’t make me say goodbye,” I said.
"It’s kinder to let him go. He's suffered long enough. Alone."
His words start the tears again and I reach over and take my father’s limp hand in mine. And then it occurs to me to ask Nathan a question.
"Did he tell you?"
He just keeps staring at our dad’s face.
"Nathan. Tell me, did you know?" When he refuses to answer, I feel betrayed all over again. "You knew."
"I guessed. He didn't want to tell me either."
"And how did you feel when you found out?" I ask, my voice shaking.
"It was his choice, Kiara. I had to let him feel like he at least had control of this one part of his life. And death."
I angrily wipe away the tears. "I wouldn’t have said anything."
"Kiara. You are, hands down, the best poker player I've ever met in my life, but when it comes to your life, you are a terrible liar. You would’ve started coming to visit more, changing your behavior, and that's not what he wanted. I had to stop myself doing those things all the time."
"I could’ve done it this time. I could've been there for him."
"He didn't want that."
And we stay there, thinking all the things we never said to him in the silence of the room, knowing he'll never hear them, and wondering if the pain will ever subside.
We turn off the life support two days later, after we get a second neurologist's opinion. And some advice from Dad’s family doctor. And yet, we still go back and forth all day on whether it's the right decision or not.
Throughout it all Kylian never leaves my side. Not once. Only standing back when Nathan is there, respecting his best friend’s feelings. But when he's not there's he sits beside me, his hand squeezing mine. Forcing me to drink some water when it's been hours since I drank some. Pulls little pieces off a protein bar to feed me so that I have something, anything in my stomach, while I have to make the hardest decision I've ever been faced with.
Finally, when I come back from the bathroom on the second day, Nathan meets me in the hallway and says the words I need to hear.
"It's time to let him rest, Kiara. It's time. This is what he would've wanted. For you to show the kindness he always showed you."
I’ve never liked being told what to do, but in that moment, I wished my father would wake up and tell me that this was the right decision.
It's only Nathan and I in the room when the doctor turns the oxygen off, gently removing the mask from his face. And everything but the EKG machine is switched off, drawing the last of his moment on earth with an eerie green spike on a screen.
"I love you, Dad. You were the best father I could’ve asked for. No one else could’ve loved or done more for me. I want you to know that. And I want you to know that I know. That there was never any other father for me. I love you. I love you so much."
