AllFreeNovel
Share Us
And then, I don't know why, but I laugh. I laugh so hard I feel his body shake from my body shaking. I can't see his face but I can only guess that he's looking at me like I'm fucking crazy and I don't really have an argument to counteract that. So I laugh.
Because two things I didn't want to happen, just happened in quick succession.
I never wanted to be one of the women that Matthias bedded.
And I never ever wanted him to know about my anxiety.
Ever.
Don't tell God your plans, and all.
When I finally stop, I turn to face him. He's a little less frantic looking, but concern still clouds his eyes. "I don't really know what caused it. I have some triggers that I know about. And sometimes they just come out of nowhere." I don't tell him that one of those triggers is my father, another is confrontation. And the last, is the mere mention of a certain Baxter.
I just thought that I had it under control.
But waking up with him, remembering the way he'd looked when he came, like if he had to choose, I'm the only woman he'd want to be there with him in that moment, quivering under me as we climaxed together must have scared me. The bruised part of my brain took control and in the space of just a few minutes, as I laid there in his arms, made me think of every scenario where this was going to end badly for me.
"Run," my brain had yelled, but I had nowhere to go.
And now he's seen me at my worst. I can't imagine much worse than losing control in front of Matthias Baxter.
A hot, fat, ridiculous tear falls down my cheek.
"Hey, hey... why are you crying?" he says, gently.
Another tear chases the first. "Because I didn't ever want you to see me like this!"
He exhales, and wraps his arms around me even tighter. "Why?"
Seriously? He's asking me that? "You're kidding me, right? You think I want anyone to see me like this? You think I like being this weak?" My sobs echo around us, the bathroom acoustics working against me to hide my emotional state.
He pulls away, crouching to make sure I'm looking at him. "Hey, Clarissa! This isn't a weakness; it happens to countless people around the world."
"Well, I don't want to be one of them."
He lets out a sweet chuckle at my little sulk. "I know. But it's okay that you are. I'm sure it makes life so hard sometimes, and I'm sorry for that. But tell me how I can help you, okay? I'm here."
He pulls me into his arms again, and it comforts me, but I don't want it to. Because in every single one of those scenarios that flew through my brain, none of them ended in us being together for too long. I can't get attached to him comforting me because what will become of me when he's not here anymore?
"I need a bath," I say, once I'm sure it's over.
He gets up and presses a button on the rim of the tub and water flows out of the faucet over the tub. Then he leaves and comes back with a Caramello Koala.
He drops a soft kiss on the top of my head as I take it from him. "I'll be out on the balcony when you're done. Take as long as you need."
Even though I want to, I don't ask him to stay.
***
I finally emerge from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, slightly refreshed, fingertips pruny from sitting in the tub. I'd spent the whole time traveling my hands over the part of my body Matthias had touched.
Locking in every little caress, every thrust, every kiss, every look...
"Orange juice or coffee?" Matthias asks, poking his head into the bedroom from the door that leads out onto the balcony.
"What's all this?" I say, following him out, looking at the spread of Belgian waffles and fresh fruit he's laid out on a small picnic table.
He pops the cork on a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. "It's breakfast. Let me guess, you never eat breakfast."
