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My internal battles needed to do me a favor at the moment and fuck right off. I couldn’t handle the hurt that I wanted to subconsciously cause myself.
I know that I didn’t do anything wrong—outside of kissing Nate. I didn’t do the things that Clint said I did. I didn’t cheat the way he did. I didn’t hurt him the way he did. In his eyes, I am the only one that did something wrong. In his eyes, it’s my fault, and I’m the worst of the two of us because I lied. I hid what had happened.
But so did he.
So did he. Why am I the only one wrong? Why did he think that he could do what he did? I start to sob, and when Elvira sits next to me and pushes my hair out of my face, I learn that I am thinking aloud.
“Because he is a piece of shit. Men who need to dominate the way he did are the weakest of them all. The ones who have to belittle, hit, scream, and manipulate can do so because they can’t make it any other way, and they put all the damn charm they need on before pulling back the blinders. Clint was the epitome of a weak man. He may have been a doctor, but when it came down to being a real man, no, not just a real man. When it came down to him being a real human being, he was never going to get that title. He only wanted to hurt those that he convinced to love him. None of this is on you. It’s all on him.”
She leans down and kisses my forehead. When she pulls back, I fight through the pain and open my eyes. After blinking away the tears, and her face comes into focus, she gives me a small smile.
“There’s my girl,” she continued to rub my face, and I now recognized the cool cloth she was rubbing against my skin.“We’ll get you taken care of, honey. And don’t you worry about Clint.”
“Wh-what do you mean?”
She lets out a sigh, but it’s cut off by the commotion that we can both hear outside the room. Before I can ask what’s going on, the door opens, and Nate stands in the doorway. He starts to make his way to me, and Elvira looks back at me before she says,“I’ll leave you two alone.” She looks at Nate and tells him,“Let me know if she needs anything.”
“I will,” he kisses her cheek as she walks past him. When the door is closed, Nate kicks off his shoes and places his cut on one of the chairs at the end of the bed. He walks to the other side and gets in behind me. I feel it dip, and immediately after, I feel his warmth along my back. He pulls me into his embrace and wraps me as tightly as possible without hurting me.
I don’t know if it’s even possible for him to hurt me now. I feel nothing but secure. It’s almost like he is this custom-made security blanket—made only for me. I let out a long breath and push myself closer to him, already feeling better.
How does he do this to me?
His hand starts to play with my hair. When his hand hits the end of my hair, he keeps traveling down my arm. His light touch sends a wave of euphoria through my body. He continues this motion for some time. He is lulling me into a state of bliss from the top of my head to my fingertips. There’s nothing sexual about his touch, yet my body feels on fire.
“Nate,” I start, but my words get caught in my throat. What am I supposed to say to him? I don’t know if I will be able to explain to him how I stayed with Clint for so long. How I allowed myself to believe what he told me.Because it’s true. I don’t know if I can explain to him how I’m still fighting. And how most of the time, I’m losing.
He would see me differently.
He would see me as weak.
Just like Clint told me.
No! I can’t keep doing this to myself. Nate is nothing like Clint. Hell, Clint never would have held me like this if the roles were reversed. He wouldn’t even attempt to make me feel better. He wouldn’t try to figure out what happened, who did it, and how he could make it better. I really do believe that he would have told me that it was my fault.
Now that I’ve stepped away, I can see him for the monster that he is. The truth was right there the whole time. I should have been able to tell what he was doing to me, but something was keeping me locked in place. I couldn’t find the key to get out of the room that I was trapped in when it came to Clint.
How did he manage to make me so blind?
When it came to everyone else that I helped, I could see the signs. I could steer someone in the right direction so easily. I would be able to aid them get the help that they needed before it was too late. But when it came to myself? I couldn’t do a damn thing to save myself.
How? Why?
“You’re thinking so loud, amour,” Nate whispers.
I suck in a breath. I was positive that he was asleep. His breathing was so even. There was no reason for him to stay awake if he didn’t have to. What use will it do him to be up with me? Why does he care? Really?
“I can’t help but think about everything that happened in the last few hours and how much of it could have been prevented if I had allowed myself to see the signs. But I didn’t. I was so blinded by him and who he was. What he meant to me, and look where it got me.”
Nate pulled me back so I was flat, and he was hovering above me. With one arm braced next to my head, the other held my chin. I saw so many emotions in his eyes—everything from pain and sadness to pure anger.
“I need you to listen to me, Audrina. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. I will tell you every day for the rest of your life if I have to. I will make sure that you know that the only one in the wrong was him. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong. It’s as simple as that.”
“How can you say that when I look like I do? When what happened to me, happened? It would never have happened if I saw the man he really is. But I didn’t allow myself, no, I couldn’t even do that. If this were someone else, I would have gotten them out immediately. Yet, what did I do with myself? Invite the wolf into my hen house and allow him to slowly kill my hens. That’s my fault.”
He didn’t want to hear it, but I knew the truth. This would never have happened if I didn’t cause it. Why can’t he see that? Why can’t anyone else see it? I did this. I was my own destruction all because I wanted someone to love me.
“Audrina. I know there is a lot to unpack with everything that has gone on in your however-long relationship with him, but just because you stayed doesn’t make what he did okay. What he’s said over time and what he’s done to you physically are all on him. It’s not like you looked at him and begged him to call you names. You didn’t tell him that you want to be cheated on constantly. You didn’t ask him to belittle you every chance he got. And you sure as fuck didn’t ask him to rape you.”
