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“That cunt. That fucking stupid bitch! That’s why she’s fucking dead! It has to be!” I yell, looking at Knuckles. He won’t look me in the eye, which tells me he is thinking the same thing.
“Who the hell are you talking about?” Gears asks, trying to see the paper that is now being passed around.
“Steffie. That fucking bitch who turned up here dead! The bane of my existence that is still haunting me from her grave! She tried to sell my kids to The Company. The fucking Company was going to buy my kids from her. She was going to take money, or who knows what, from pedophiles for my kids!” I had my wits about me enough not to lay out that the drugs were connected to The Company. I take a deep breath and attempt to calm down to repeat what I’ve said, trying to make myself believe it all.“She tried to sell my kids to The Company,” I shudder,“and when she couldn’t deliver, they killed her and tried to pin it on us!On me!It’s what makes sense. Pin it on this club or me; they get my kids when they’re taken.” I started thinking about every single person that was involved in that case
“There is someone in social services that is helping them. There has to be!” Turd said.
“I don’t understand this. Have you guys been doing this without us knowing? Is that why I was being arrested all the time?” Cougar asked.
“That was for the drugs, for information. How can they have someone in social services working with The Company? I mean, there are only like three of them that work there.” Willie pipes in.
“There are four,” Bigfoot says, leaning back in his chair as he rubs his hand down the long unkempt beard on his face.“The boss, who was friends with Clint, Sonya at the hospital, and then Audrina and Ellie. Two we know are good. The other two—”
“—Fuck! How could we forget that shithead had actual friends?!” I yell as I kick the table. I try to get up when Copper pushes me back into the chair. I forgot he was there.
“You need to sit down and calm yourself. You need to be level-headed to get this figured out. You can’t get yourself arrested over a woman you can’t even kill,” Copper chastises me using his cop voice.
Fuck. I didn’t need this! I needed to get out of here and shoot up a few places that I knew were coming after my kids. I was tired of sitting around doing nothing. I could find a junkie and get them to talk. I tried to get up again, but Copper pushed me back down. I turned in my chair, shoving him off me, following with a sucker punch. He jumped back, but I got up and started to charge him. I know my anger is misguided. I’m also aware that he is trying to help me, but my brain and my body are not in control right now. My emotions are running rampant, and I can’t help but want to kill something.
“Sit your ass down! All of you. Sit the fuck down and talk about this. Right now, all we know is that there is an open threat to our family. All this fighting isn’t going to make it any fucking better!” Cowboy yells, smashing his fist into the table, leveling everyone with a stare.
Shoving Copper off me, I sit back down. I see everyone’s eyes on Cowboy. Once everyone had a few moments to calm down, a room full of chatter commenced about how we were going to get more information as to who the problem was within social services. Everyone is pitching ideas and trying to get some info flowing.
Everyone but Sever. His eyes are focused on the table. His stare is blank. It’s like he was fighting some internal battle. Butcher accidentally nudged him, and he had no reaction. I watched him for a while longer before his eyes shot up, and he watched Butcher with intent. As if there was something there. All I can think is we are living above his shop. If they take out Butcher, they get to my kids and me. Fuck, that’s why he’s quiet.
“It’s never going to work,” I call out, and all eyes turn to me—including Sever’s.
“What? We’re trying to help you, Brother.” Turd says.
“Well, everyone but Sever is trying to help. Sever, what’s going on in that head of yours? You were in the room with Butcher and me. Are you going to try and pin the murder on us so you can get the kids?” I ask. I stand slowly and lean over the table, trying to get as close to him as I can.
Butcher looks from me to his friend, who is looking down and not at me. There is almost this guilt about him. Faster than I could have, Butcher punches his best friend. Butcher jumps on him and starts laying into him. Sever doesn’t lay there and take it, though. It isn’t long before Cowboy makes the signal, and they are pulled apart. There are two people on Sever and at least four on Butcher. They’re both heaving and bleeding, but my eyes are still glued to Sever.
“I need you to talk here, Sever. You’re not looking innocent right now.” Judge pipes up, walking between them.
“I can’t do it again.” Sever murmurs.
“Can’t do what again? Take kids? Hurt kids?” I call out to him. Sever’s eyes meet mine, and there is a fire in them. He then looks to Butcher, who is starting to calm himself, still being held back by a few people.
“I can’t watch him go through that again!” Sever points to Butcher, who looks ready to rip him apart.
“Explain,” Storm demands, backing up his best friend,.
“He went through this with his son! This will trigger something in him, and I can’t live through that again. I can’t watch him lose more of his humanity!” Sever screams, and we all stop.
“What?” Butcher stops and looks at Sever. All the hostility he was carrying is gone.
“I watched what happened when Bennett died. When you found out what happened to him…. How you thought that you had allowed it to happen to him! I saw you pull away from Abee, from Aletta, and me. I saw it break you in ways no man should be broken. You’re here, watching this happen again. You’re watching what Rambo is going through, all while learning about what we are finding out about these kids. I’m scared it is going to take the last of you away from us.” There is genuine heartbreak in his voice.“They all know Butcher, but I know Hank. I want Hank to stay here as long as I can keep him around. So, I’m doing it.” Sever goes to the door and gets his phone from the basket.“I’m calling Aletta and asking her to come home. You need her just as much as you need Abilene right now. I am not going to let this swallow you whole this time.” he must find the contact he needs as he puts the phone up to his ear. All through this, Butcher is calm but wild at the same time.
“Uhm, who is Aletta?” Cougar asks. Butcher turns to look down at him, coldness in his eyes for the first time toward the rookie member of our MC.
“None of your fucking business,” he mutters and storms from church.
Iwas going back and forth with myself. If anyone was outside of the room I’m currently in, they’d think I was going crazy. I’ve constantly been talking to myself out loud. Trying to figure out what I should or shouldn’t feel has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Clint was a horrible, horrible person. He manipulated me to no end. So why do I feel this immense guilt that he’s dead because of me?
No, he’s dead because of what he did to you. Because the man thatdoeslove you took care of him.
This constant battle keeps giving me a headache. It’s something that I don’t want to go through anymore. I didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to get up and move on. But pain, trauma, and how you heal is a fickle thing. There’s no rule book. There’s no correct answer or proper timeline. But, I am determined to start working toward moving on.
