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By telling him I don’t want to be seen with him.
He’s all but told me how it makes him feel, and I’ve blindly pleaded with him to see it from my point of view, to understand why he should be worried about my father and my family image. And I never stopped to consider his.
I’ve been scared to get spotted in public with Efrem after the paparazzi caught us kissing, and it upset my family. I’ve been so conflicted about what my relationship might do to my father—his political career and, more importantly, his health—that I haven’t stopped to consider how my hesitation might make Efrem feel unwanted, like I’m ashamed of him. Even if it’s the farthest thing from the truth.
While I’ve felt like my feelings for him are so blatantly obvious, and he’s clearly a man that women appreciate and desire, maybe I’ve assumed too much. I mightfeellike a lovesick teenager who’s finally getting to spend time with her crush.But have I actually said as much?
I can see why he would feel mistreated when I look at it like that.
It wasn’t fair to cave and go out to dinner with Pyotr and Silvia—even for Isla’s birthday—when I still haven’t come to terms with being seen with Efrem. I knew it would look bad to say what I did at Proclivity and then sit and eat with Pyotr in public.
But I’ve been fighting my parents over my friendship with Pyotr for years now. It’s an argument I’m used to repeating, one they’ve never pressed me on so adamantly until now. And somehow, it just feels different.
Silvia and Isla have provided a kind of buffer to the whole Bratva-criminal image surrounding Pyotr. How could the press possibly convince anyone that I’m spending time with bad people when Isla’s sweet little face is in the picture?
Starting a romantic relationship with Efrem feels like something else entirely. Because I’m not just having a casual meal with someone. I’m not spending time with a mother and daughter who happen to be connected to someone questionable. Efrem is the epitome of Russian masculinity, the image of strength and intimidation. And he knows how to use it.
But that doesn’t make him any less worthy ofmyprotection as someone who sees the good in him. I should be willing to stand up for him like he does for me. To show that he’s worthy of my love. Because he is. And he doesn’t deserve anything less than my all if I want to be in a relationship with him.
I can’t keep straddling the fence.
What it comes down to is I need to make a choice. Follow my heart, or give up my happiness for the sake of my father.
Resolve fills me as I stare into Efrem’s warm, vulnerable blue eyes.
As much as I love my father, I can’t live my life in the rigid confines of his expectations any longer. I want to live my life forme. And Efrem’s what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.
Releasing a sigh, I mirror his slight smile as I suddenly feel like I can breathe again. Now that I’ve fully wrapped my head around the root of our conflict. Now that my mind’s made up, I know I’ve made the right decision.
I just have to find a way to make it right with Efrem, and from the way we left things today, a simple apology will not be enough.
25
EFREM
I decided to quit Dani cold turkey.
And that’s proven more challenging than I ever thought possible.
It’s my first day off in weeks, and I can’t seem to enjoy it. I’ve already been on a five-mile run, worked out in my building’s gym, and though I only just showered and changed an hour ago, I’m debating going again.
Because I can’t get Dani out of my head.
She’s become an obsession.
Opening my fridge, I scan the contents, considering if I should make myself lunch, but nothing sounds good. Aside from a protein shake in the morning, I’ve had to force myself to eat because I’ve completely lost interest in food.
It’s been nearly a week since my fight with Dani at Satine, and we haven’t spoken at all. I fluctuate between bouts of anger and guilt.
The guilt comes in whenever I get a moment’s reprieve from replaying our argument in my head. I shouldn’t have fucked her like I did. As mad as I was… it’s the closest I’ve ever come to being violent with a woman. And disgust roils in my gut as I wonder if I have what it takes to become someone like my father.
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to manage my anger, to find outlets for it so I would never lay a hand on anyone who didn’t entirely deserve it.
But with Dani, I came dangerously close to losing it. I never should have punished her when I didn’t have my emotions completely under control. That’s not what that level of intimacy is about. Rough play is about having the ability to fully trust your partner.And how can Dani trust me if I would use it to hurt her?
Of course, trust goes both ways. And Dani’s made it clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with me beyond the casual fuck. What I thought was the start of a meaningful relationship, I’ve come to realize, was all in my head.
And that’s where the anger comes in.
