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“You did understand” he says softly with his eyes fixed on mine.I close my eyes and Marcos’ hands reach my neck, spreading out there and spreading his fingers between it, the curve of my jaw and cheeks. “Will you talk to me?”
“I hate what they make me feel...Until our marriage, I had no idea I was capable of having such bad feelings and I hate, I just hate being capable of that.” I feel the warmth of Marcos’ lips on mine, the feeling of relief is almost immediate.It’s as if his kiss relieves the burden of pain and contempt I’ve used to carry alone for a long time.
“Forget it, love...I only told you because I don’t think it would be fair to hide it.But that doesn’t mean anything.I’ve made it clear that you don’t want any contact, and if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll do as I said.”
These words make me want to laugh and cry at the same time.Laugh because if there’s one thing the people who brought me into the world know, it’s what’s good for them.And crying because Marcos’ concern to be honest with me not only touches, but squeezes, without pity or mercy, a wound that is becoming increasingly painful in my heart.
I’m not having the same courtesy with him, and if before it bothered me, now it seems to be causing me pain.Marcos misinterprets the rigidity that this realization brings to my body and hugs me tight, whispering words of comfort in my ear, telling me that I have nothing to worry about.
He has no idea that’s not true.He has no idea that with each passing day, it is just the opposite, I have more to worry about because, in his place, I would become more reticent than ever to forgive an omission.
My throat closes suddenly, and I hold my breath.Soft words and sweet caresses do their job, relieving me, even if they were the cause of everything.Not literally, but a small, hidden fear of losing them.A fear that was once much less, once insignificant, but has been gaining strength, walking one step at a time out of the depths of myself and getting closer and closer to the sunlight.
?
“Where have you been keeping yourself? It’s been a long time!” Grazi appears in the video call with a raised eyebrow, and I roll my eyes.
“What? You want me to apologize for having sex?I’m sorry, but between talking to you on a video call and coming, I choose to come every time you ask me that question!”
“For someone who’s coming a lot, you are very bitter!”
“Or maybe the bitter one is you because you’re not coming enough...”
“Nah! Definitely not! Anyway, tell me. Trouble in paradise? What did Asshole Marcos do this time?” Her deduction that if I have a problem its name is Marcos makes me laugh, even though my heart is still heavy from the news my husband gave me earlier.
With part of the body lying on the bed, the legs hanging beyond the edge and one of the arms stretched so that the camera catches my face well, I take a deep breath and shake my head.
“Marcos didn’t do anything, Grazi! Don’t you think maybe it’s time to admit that he’s no Loch Ness monster?” I suggest, and my friend clicks her tongue before dismissing my comment with her hand.
“No, I don’t. But if it wasn’t him, who was it? Because something definitely happened! I know that face very well, Nel!” I sigh and run my hand through my hair.
“My father talked to Marcos today. In Valente.”
“What?” Grazi, who was lying down, sits. The bun that held her hair falls away, spreading a dark curtain across the front of her face before she pulls back the strands with her free hand.Also, in the rush to get up, Graziella almost falls off the bed. I laugh at her despair even if its motivation isn’t funny at all.
“Exactly. My father went to Marcos’ office to try to convince him to convince me to talk to him. A great son of a bitch, isn’t he?” The brown head denies it, bobbing back and forth before my friend squeaks and rolls her eyes.
“When I think they can’t be any lower... And what was the end of that story?”
“Marcos said he kicked him out after making it clear that a conversation between us is not going to happen. I was very angry! Fuck! I’m so pissed!”
“I hope this time he gets the message...”
“Worst of all, I think he’ll understand. My father has always been the pitiful kind of man who only listens when another man talks.” The first answer I get is a nod, then words.
“Let’s pray for it... But if it’s not that, what’s taking your peace away?” I look away with a sad smile.Grazi really knows me very well.That’s exactly why I called her.Still, it is difficult to put into words something that, until now, I had been discussing only with myself.
“Marcos arrived early today.” I sigh, arranging the words in a coherent sequence that can be said. “He left his office as soon as my father left and came straight home. He said he’d rather not tell me what happened, but he didn’t think it was fair to keep it from me. This made me feel shitty... You may not like him, sis, but even you have to acknowledge that from the beginning he was nothing but honest with me, while I always seem to be hiding something from him.” I close my eyes and rub my hands on my face.Tired.Very tired and emotionally exhausted. “And yet, he keeps giving trusting on me even more and I keep breaking his trust again and again.” I open my eyes, see Grazi frowning, and she runs her tongue over her lips.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself?I mean, it’s not like you really owe the guy anything just because you married him.It is not a real marriage, there is no obligation of reciprocity in anything, not even in honesty. You can give him what you want.”
“And don’t you think you’re being too flexible just because you don’t like him?” I ask, already knowing the answer.But since Grazi doesn’t seem to know, I need to get her thinking. “If it was someone else, would your opinion still be the same?” She takes some time to answer me.
“I don’t know. I really don’t.”
“Yeah…”
“And what are you going to do?” I laugh, displeased.
