AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I take a deep breath. Once, twice, thrice.But control doesn’t give me any sense of peace or does anything to make me feel better.I swallow, however, the lump in my throat doesn’t go down and I almost kneel down in thanks when the phone vibrates in my hand before the ten minutes.
“Hi...”
“What happened, Nel?”
“I don’t want to hide it from him anymore...I can’t, Grazi... I just… Can’t...” I let out a muffled breath, take my thumb and forefinger to my closed eyes and massage them.
“Not that I think you should...I just want to understand, ok?What’s changed, Nel? After five years of absolute silence, you just wake up at six in the morning on any given day, decides to tell someone and that someone is Marcos? Why?”
I don’t know, Grazi... I don’t know...I just feel like if I don’t tell, I’m gonna suffocate... I… It’s not fair, Grazi. It’s not fair to him.Marcos is not the asshole I’ve always thought, not with me.It’s not fair that I keep hiding things from him again and again...” my speech comes out between pauses and panting. The words coming out change between too fast and too slow. “I know he’s gonna be pissed, but this marriage is only in the beginning...It’s not even two months old... It’s better now than later, right?”
“Right...” She agrees, but soon after she is silent, as if she were processing the information, and I wait impatiently. “What happened tonight?”
“What?”
“Yesterday everything was fine, suddenly, you wake up early as fuck, practically desperate.What happened in the last 12 hours?Because something surely happened.”
I open my mouth to answer, but as I try to organize a coherent sentence, I realize that I am not capable.Nothing more than normal happened tonight.It’s just that one more night in Marcos’ arms was the last straw I’m able to bear.
“Nothing happened, Grazi.Things have been happening on for a while. Far too long.”
“Alright. But are you sure?” I close my eyes.
“Yes.”
“And you understand that this is probably going to ruin this summer romance of yours, right?” The worry in her voice would thrill me, if I wasn’t so desperate.
“I understand...”
“And you’re still gonna do it?”
“I think I’ve been unfairly selfish with Marcos for far too long, don’t you?”
“Nel...” She sighs. “You know what I think about him, for me, he’s still Asshole Marcos, I don’t trust him! I can’t.So, I really don’t care about him.But I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d never seen in your eyes the kind of glow I saw yesterday.I don’t like to see you risk it...Regardless of how unbelievable this is, the truth is that the asshole has his share of responsibility in this glow, and I’m worried that you just want to tell the truth now to sabotage yourself...It’s not like you don’t have a history of not thinking you deserve the good things you have...” I lower my head, absorbing my friend’s words and sitting in my bed.I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath.I rest my forehead on my free palm while the other continues to hold the cell phone in my ear and feel the wet droplet slide down my cheek.
“I don’t feel alone, Grazi... For the first time in my life, I don’t feel alone...” my voice sounds broken and new silent tears join the first.I don’t need to explain to Grazi what kind of loneliness I’m talking about or worry about hurting her, after all, she’s the only person who’s ever been with me. That’s exactly why she understands me.
“Oh, sis…”
“I’m terrified… And I’m so tired of feeling like this all the time.”
“Sis, why don’t you take some time to think about it? I think you’re shaken by the latest developments, you’ve been caught off guard, maybe unarmed...Calm down.The world was made in seven days, give yourself the same amount of time” she advises, but I know that no matter how many days go by, seven, twenty or a thousand, that feeling won’t go away.
“It won’t change anything,” I whisper.
“When will you do it? Today?”
“No…” I shake my head frantically even though I know Graziella can’t see me.I’m not ready yet.Not today.Definitely not today. “I… I need to think. The best way, the best time... But I won’t change my mind, Grazi.”
“All right.”
“All right.” I repeat quietly.
“You will be fine, Nel. And you can always count on me, you know that, don’t you?” Her tone is serious.
“I know.”
“Call me later?”
