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“Sure!”
“I love you! A lot” she says, and my heart accepts the words as a small dose of tranquilizer.
“I love you, too! Thank you for loving me!”
“Stop being silly! Love is something you shouldn’t thank for!” Those are her last words before she hangs up the phone and draws a smile from me, but it doesn’t last long.
I take the device out of my ear, take a deep breath and close my eyes.I take my free hand to my closed eyelids, massaging them.I let the air out of my mouth only to almost have a heart attack moments later.
“Ella?” Marcos calls from my bedroom door and I turn around scared. Oh God! Did he hear me?No! Please, not! Not now, not now! Not yet!
“Hi...” He is frowning, his face is still crumpled by sleep and he continues wearing nothing but a boxer shorts.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I just… I woke up feeling period pains, I couldn’t go back to sleep and I decided to come to my room, I didn’t want to wake you fidgeting in bed all the time.” Marcos tilts his neck and enters the room.His steps towards me are decided and few.He sits next to me on the bed, wraps an arm around my waist, and pulls me toward him.I can’t resist.I lay my head on his shoulder and he kisses my hair.
“Do you need anything? A medicine?Do you want to go to a hospital?” Holds my cheek while asking.His concern is, at the same time, a caress and a slap.I turn my face, kissing the palm of his hand and shake my head, denying it.
“I’m fine... I’m getting better already. It wasn’t that painful...”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes… I’m going to lie down quietly and it will get better...” Shakes his head, agreeing.
“In my room or yours?”
“Marcos, there’s no need... I probably won’t even be able to sleep. You don’t have to disturb your sleep” I argue, but he raises a single eyebrow.
“So here it is!”
“Marcos,” I begin, but he interrupts me.
“Isabella won’t wake up anytime soon, so there’s no reason for me to leave you alone and in pain. You want to lie down, all right, you’re gonna lie down, but I’m gonna be right next to you.”
And with that statement, my heart breaks.He shouldn’t be like that. He shouldn’t care. He was supposed to be the Asshole Marcos to whom I didn’t mind telling lies. The man I expected nothing from but to ignore and be ignored.
He shouldn’t want to take care of me, rent amusement parks for my daughter, or hear her talk about ballet.He shouldn’t!And under this flood of thoughts, before I can contain myself, the dam collapses, and I cry.
I hold my head high just long enough to see Marcos’ astonished gaze, completely lost, having no idea what to do with a crying woman.Finally, he decides to just hold me even tighter.
“No, love...”Stop that! I want to tell you! Stop calling me love!I’m a liar, I kept a secret from you even after I told you there were none left! ButI don’t say it and he not only keeps saying words of comfort to me but he wraps me completely in his arms.
I shouldn’t, but I accept him embracing me and telling me it’s going to be okay. It’s a lie. It won’t. Deep in my heart I know it won’t and that’s the only reason I won’t tell him everything right now.I was starting to get used to it and I’m still not ready to lose something I didn’t even have.
“It will be ok, my love. You will be fine... Don’t you want to go to a hospital? Are you sure?” I shake my head, denying. “It’s ok. Alright… Let’s just lie down then. You will feel better.”
Marcos takes me to bed and nestles me in his body.I still cry for a while.I don’t think about anything, I just let the tears come out without destination.I don’t care where they go as long as they leave me.With my face wet and my heart squeezed by the imminent wreckage, I sleep.
CHAPTER 39
Antonella’s rhythmic breathing is the only thing that reassures me amidst the true chaos my head and heart became when she started crying.Something’s not right and it sucks not knowing what it is. It sucks to be so powerless.It’s fucking awful to have to watch her cry without being able to do anything to change it.
I squeeze her body further into my arms and kiss her forehead.I look at her, who, although asleep, still does not have on her face that peaceful expression characteristic of the carefree.And I want her to have it.Not just when she’s asleep, but when she’s awake too.
I want Antonella’s face to know no expression but happiness. I know it is arrogant of me to desire so much, but that does not prevent the will from taking over me and making me mad by its impossibility and by its mere existence.
I knew that Isabella and her mother had been awakening in me, over the months, feelings never before experienced.It started that morning in the hospital.I couldn’t bear Antonella’s despair even though I had no idea of its size.The need to take care of her made me break into that reception and get the information she needed, the whereabouts of her daughter.
