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“Thank you...” They move to say a single word and the phrase I heard Grazi tell me so many times runs, crazy to get out of my mouth.Love is something you shouldn’t thank for. But instead, I say:
“You don’t have to thank me, Marcos. Ever.” He shakes his head, confirming.
“Do you want to go home?”
“Are you going?”
“No...I’m going to spend some time here.” It’s my turn to agree with a nod.
“Then I’ll stay.Isabella is already asleep.I’ll go tomorrow morning.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes” I answer, and neither of us says anything else.We remained silent, just staring at each other until Marcos was called by the doctor.His arms release me slowly, and my heart jumps, loving the idea that he doesn’t really want to let me go.But as slowly as it is, he lets go, still looking at me, exhales deeply and turns around, leaving me behind.
?
“And have you talked to Danilo these days?” Grazi asks.Sitting alone in Marcos’ bed, I nod positively.
It’s pathetic that I’ve spent the last two nights here just because he’s not home, I know that, but only God can judge me for that. Joaquim is much better and today the medications have been withdrawn. The doctor believes that as it was only a beginning of heart attack, his body has already slept long enough to recover the parts that were most severely hit.
Now he can wake up at any time.I’ve been there every day, a few hours a day.But I don’t think it’s a good idea for an active child like Isabella to be present in an environment that needs to be calm.So I take her time at the ballet to make my visits and extend them even a little further.
Carmen has been, as always, key in this process.She is a very dear friend of the family and has also had her peace time. When I arrive, she leaves.She’s the one who picks up Isabella at the ballet, brings her home and makes her company until I get there.
Although the diagnosis of stability played its part in calming all of us, the need to keep Joaquin in an induced coma for the first forty-eight hours didn’t really make us feel relieved.We will only be calm when he is awake, all necessary tests are done and the results are satisfactory.
“No. The last time was the day before yesterday when I explained to him what had happened and that any approach he wants to make will need to wait for our routine to normalize.”
“And today you’re already dealing with it better than you were yesterday?”
“You’re talking like yesterday I was freaking out!”
“Actually, it’s precisely the fact that you’re not that scares me.”
“Why would I freak out, sis?Danilo seems really interested in being part of Isabella’s life and there is nothing in this world that I want more than to see my daughter happy.If this hasn’t happened before, it’s because bringing Bella closer to her father was directly proportional to moving away from her.But I’m not seventeen anymore, nor am I alone.Even if...” I close my eyes, having difficulty putting into words the painful thought that has already crossed my thoughts a million times in recent days. “Even if Marcos and I don’t...remain married, I know he would not legally forsake me or leave Isabella.Danilo’s approach really isn’t something to worry about.Despite the way it all went down, I’m happy about it. It’s simple.”
“Aaaalright!” he agrees, dragging theato emphasize. “What about Marcos? Thisif we don’t stay marriedattitude doesn’t fool me. Or do you think I didn’t notice you stuttering?”
“I had no intention of fooling you, Grazi!”
“Yeah, sure! How are things between the two of you?”
“They aren’t…” I sink my face into his pillow and breathe in his scent deeply. “I go in and out of the house and we treat each other like two acquaintances.”
“And you’re lying in his bed again?”
“I miss him. I wanted him to let me take care of him, to talk, to reply my texts with more than monosyllabic words, Grazi! I know it’s selfish, that the moment sucks, but I just wanted him to let me do more.”
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but he needs time, Antonella. Contrary to all expectations, Marcos has been sensible all this time and continues to be, he just needs time.” Time. The memory of the last time I heard that word hits me hard.
The night on the boat.Marcos was buried in me and we talked silently.He never actually put vowels and consonants in that order in a recited sentence, but I’m sure I heard them.I’m absolutely sure he told me we had plenty of time, all the time in the world.
“Why don’t you come visit me?Your excuses are over, you know?Your parents are properly warned to stay away, Danilo is now part of your life, maybe it’s time to come home...” she asks and, as in a puzzle, hearing her words makes all my pieces fit together.
“Maybe...”
“Really?”
