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“And what makes you think someone might not be choosing to love you? Disappointments? Marcos… Sometimes people are stupid, and when they have to choose between themselves and someone they love very much, they choose themselves, even if, in that situation, it’s the wrong alternative.”
“That does not make sense, Dad…”
“Really?” His tone and expression are pure irony. “Imagine if every time you let me down I had assumed you didn’t love me!”
“That was harsh!” I accuse.
“That was necessary!” he argues. “Love is a daily and continuous choice, but it is not the only daily and continuous choice.Sometimes people choose wrongly, other times they choose things that have nothing to do with us.Part of loving and being loved is understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around us. Part of loving, Marcos, is knowing that sometimes the loved one won’t choose us, but that’s not a free pass for us to do the same, because love is not a competition. Love is a choice.
“And sometimes, no matter how much we want to be chosen, it just doesn’t happen. What if that happens?”
“So maybe it’s time to choose first. But do you really think that’s what’s going on?” Now his voice sounds low, and as I look into his eyes, I notice that they are heavy.I smile and once again kiss the back of his hand.
“I don’t know, Dad... I don’t know...”
“Do you really not know or are you afraid of getting hurt?”
“I just—”
“Marcos” He interrupts me. “Life is one and almost everything in it is uncontrollable except for our choices.It is normal to be afraid, but if we let ourselves be ruled by it, then we are choosing not to live.” Slowly, his hand lifts, reaching for my face, and he leaves a few light pats. “You’re smarter than that!” These are his last words before he is overcome by exhaustion.”
?
As the elevator makes its way to the penthouse, I tell myself that it’s normal that after practically a week out, my heart is beating fast for coming home.Today my father was finally released from the medical apparatus and there was no longer any reason for me to remain in his home.
However, the words spoken by him practically as soon as he woke up came along with me and keep hammering in my head.Just like they started doing as soon as I heard them.Choices, fear, selflessness, love.
I find strange the darkness that welcomes me.The entrance hall, as well as the living room, is unlit.I look at the clock on my wrist checking the time and only then do I realize that at this time Isabella is at the ballet.Antonella’s probably with her.I shake my head, casting away the subtle tightening that takes over my chest because I can’t be with them after all these days.
A lit bulb lit in the darkness of the hallway draws my attention to a sideboard.I approach and find a small piece of folded paper.I frown, and an unknown fear wells up deep in my stomach as I realize that this silence, this darkness and abandonment may not just mean a trip to the gym.But Antonella wouldn’t do that, would she?
I open the note in such a hurry, I get in the way and drop it on the floor.
“Holy shit!” I grunt nervously, worried about the words I will find.There are only four.Go to the office.
With my heart racing and my mouth suddenly dry, I obey the instruction and walk with great strides to the unexpected.I find the door slightly leaning against it and stop before pushing it.The image of my abandoned marriage contract on the table top along with Antonella’s engagement ring takes my mind by storm and I close my eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
With them still closed, I push the door open, but it’s only when I hear her deep breath that I let go of mine.I open my eyes and find my wife sitting behind my desk.
Today, her face is decided, there are no tears or fear on it.There is that security and determination that drove me crazy from the first moment, even though I have long refused to acknowledge it.In front of her is a small can of black iron, and I frown without knowing exactly what it all means.
“I need a husband,” she says, and it feels like déjà vu in reverse.Because, months ago, I told her exactly the same words.
“Am I being fired, is that it?” I answer before I can even think about it, also using the same words she used to respond to my statement.
“No, Marcos...You’re being promoted, if you accept my offer, of course.” Follows the script and, very curious about where this will lead, I fulfill my role, again, repeating the words that were once spoken by her.
“Promoted?” I ask and, my heart, which beats fast in fear of the simple idea that she had left me, continues to move at a hallucinated pace, now in expectation.
“Marcos...” says my name and bites her own lip. “I want to marry you, more specifically, in four minutes and two seconds.”
“Should I choke on my own saliva as well?” I ask, referring to the fact that this is what happened after I told her exactly these words and Antonella laughs.
She gets up from her chair and, standing up, picks up a black envelope that I know all too well.I frown as she lifts the thick paper before her eyes and with her free hand, pulls off the table a lighter I hadn’t noticed.
I tilt my head slightly to the side and narrow my eyes still not quite understanding or believing what she seems about to do.In one hand, Antonella holds what I’m pretty sure is our marriage contract, the one that would give her financial security for the rest of her life.With the other one, activates the lighter.Without turning her eyes away from mine for a second, she sets the papers on fire and drops them into the black can.Holy shit!
CHAPTER 48– Antonella Machado
