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Blue eyes accompany each of my movements, and I take a deep breath in an attempt to keep my emotions under control while, inside the small metal bin, the fire consumes every ounce of paper I had in my hands, feeding on it and becoming bigger and bigger. It doesn’t work.
My heartbeat remains completely out of control, my hands seem increasingly shaky, and I’m pretty sure my eyes are blinking wildly without me even realizing it.
I was willing to step aside and give Marcos the time Grazi suggested he needed.But that was only until I understood that Marcos is my home, my safe harbor. And when your house is messed up, you don’t go out and wait for it to organize itself, you tidy it up. That’s what I decided to do.
“No,” I finally declare.I turn around the table and stand in front of it.Letting the path to the door define the distance between Marcos and me.I pull out a deep breath and exhale before continuing. “Marcos. I fucked up. A lot. So, so much, that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find a word that measures how many mistakes I’ve made when it comes to you.” I barely begin to speak and my eyes are already burning, wanting to shed tears. “I didn’t trust, disguised, lied, pretended, and pushed you away, but none of it stopped you from becoming something I never imagined I would have other than my daughter: my home.” I pause, giving up the useless battle and let tears roll down my cheeks, certainly already reddish. “I don’t have much to offer you, Marcos.I’m broken, scared, I spend a lot of time feeling like I’m an imposter of my own life, but what I have more precious, I want to share with you.” I take a step forward, narrowing the distance between us a little. “I never said my vows, so I think now might be a good time to do that.Overflowing with nervousness, I pull the air through my mouth and loose through my nose and move my eyes to the sides, trying to scare away new tears. “I’ve already made you some promises, I’ve broken most of them.So today, I thought I’d start by telling you everything I can’t promise you.” I take another step forward. “I cannot promise that I will be easy, or simple, or calm. I can’t promise you every hour of my nights or my day.” Another step forward. “I can’t promise you never to make a mistake, never to feel insecure, or ever to make you want to leave me.” One more step and now there are only two between us. ““I can’t promise you never to fear again, nor can I promise you only happiness.I can’t promise you a worry-free life, I can’t promise you I’ll learn to enjoy sailing.” Marcos’ eyes are red when he laughs at my last sentence.That must mean something good, right?It has to mean something good! “But I can promise you to be your home.I can promise you to appreciate every single one of your gestures and truths, I can promise you, never to push you away again.I can promise you, Marcos, that from this moment on, in this marriage I’ll have no interest in other than you and your happiness.” One more step, and now there’s only one separating us. “Once, you told me you’d only walk halfway.Today, I promise to walk all the parts that are mine and also those that I forced you to step back with my fears and my insecurities.Today I promise to choose you, Marcos, no matter how much it terrifies me.I promise to choose to belong to you.Because in the end, it will always be about choices.When it comes to the two of us, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but to—" he kisses me. Swallows my words and statements in an exchange that tastes like tears and happiness.
My whole body reacts to the closeness, the touch, the acceptance that Marcos’ tongue in my mouth declares.I wrap my arms around his neck and, with the same intensity with which I push myself towards him, pull him towards me.It’s the most delicious kiss of my whole life, and I don’t want it to end ever, ever, but there comes a time when we need to breathe.
“You had me when you said you wanted to promote me...” he says, panting, his forehead glued to mine, his nose tucked in mine, and his mouth insignificantly distant.
“So, I could have kept everything else?”
“Never again!” he asks, and despite the slight moment, the appeal in his voice is evident.
“Never again!” I promise. “I love you!” I take the opportunity to repeat the words, because another thing I will never do again is miss opportunities to say them. “I love you!” Kiss his lips with open eyes. “I love you!” I kiss the tip of his nose. “I love you!” I kiss his cheeks. “I love you!”
“Mommy! Is it my turn now?” The childish voice sounds outside, making me laugh, and Marcos raises his eyebrows in a silent question.
“Now, my love! Come in!” I ask, and an Isabella dressed in a cute white dress, the same one she wore at our wedding, which she made a point of wearing today too when I explained to her what she would have to do, practically runs in and comes to us.In her hands, there is a small black box that she offers me before raising her arms to Marcos, asking for his arms.
I smile, and another tear slips down my face, because this moment would no longer be perfect even if I had planned it that way.Looking at Marcos, who holds Isabella in his arms, I open the box before his eyes showing him what is inside.Three rings.Two for adults and one child size.
“The most precious thing I have, I want to share with you,” I repeat the words quietly, so that only he hears, and tears roll down his cheeks as well. He brings his face closer to mine and answers also, very low.
“I couldn’t be more honored.” Kisses my forehead.
“Mom, Marcos! Why are you crying?Am I not getting my ring now?” Isabella asks in a very loud tone of voice, and Marcos and I laughed.
Home. I’m finally home.
Eight months later.
“Big day!” I offer a beer to Danilo, who is sitting on the kitchen bench in front of me. He smiles, accepts the beer, and raises it to me in a silent toast.
After a long period of adjustment, we’ve decided it’s time to tell Isabella the truth.Danilo, like anyone who approaches her, is completely in love and will not go anywhere for the next fifty years.
Despite living in Rio, every fortnight he comes to São Paulo to visit his daughter, and almost every day he talks to her by phone or video call.In practice, he is already her father. We just have to make it official.
Honestly, at first, I was worried about how things would turn out between the four of us.But from our first contacts, Isabella’s father made it very clear that the two of us just wouldn’t build a friendship if I didn’t want to, and for Isabella’s happiness, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.
“Do you think she will handle it well?” he asks and draws a smile from me.
“To Isabella everything is a party, Danilo, and she loves you. You can prepare to spend the next few months listening toDadevery two seconds!” I laugh about the image that formed in my thoughts of Isabella managing to fit the wordDadin every other two she says.” What about your parents? Have they accepted the situation?”
A sound of disgust leaves his lips, and he shakes his head, denying it.
“You know what the worst thing is, Marcos? I just can’t feel bad because my daughter doesn’t spend time with them. Fuck! It is impossible!I honestly don’t know how Antonella and I got to keep sane with the parents we have, because damn it!
I laugh, though he couldn’t sound truer even if he tried. Danilo’s parents turned out to be as much of a son of a bitch as Antonella imagined they would be years ago. Their first reaction to knowing of their granddaughter’s existence was not to want to meet her, but to take away the custody from thedegeneratemother who had been disinherited by the illustrious Machado Rodrigues. Ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous.
“Danilo!” Isabella’s scream reaches us before her short legs, and when she finally reaches the kitchen, the man is already crouched, ready to hug her and take her off the floor.
He lifts her up in his arms, spinning with her without moving, her laughter filling the entire house.Antonella approaches me with a smile as big as mine on her face, and I leave a kiss on her cheek.
“What are we going to do today, Danilo?” she asks, curious, knowing that with each visit of Danilo she is spoiled in a different way.
“We’ll go to the beach! But first, we’ll talk.Your mother, Marcos and I have news for you!”
