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Of course, I rationally know he’d never kill me, not really. I also know I’ve fucked up beyond belief, and Liam is only really loyal to Cia, so I can’t really know for certain.
When I just shrug like I don’t have a care in this fucking world, which is ironic since that’s all I have, he speaks again. “Why did you lie to her for me?” He must be able to see the confusion on my face, so he clarifies. “You said I didn’t know her dad was alive. Why did you do that? Why the fuck did you even tell her like that? Does she mean so little to you now that you don’t care that you fucking unraveled her world just minutes after betraying her trust and shattering her heart?”
Yeah, Liam is going straight for the jugular, and I shouldn’t be surprised. We’re all trained killers. He may not have trained in the maze, or maybe he has, I can’t remember for certain. Either way, Dad made it clear that if Cia wanted Liam at her side, he would have to train to be her protector—and of course, he took on the role with the seriousness and intensity required.
“I fucked up,” I whisper. This is the first time I’m admitting it out loud like this, and I hate it. I fucking loathe the shame I feel as I recall my actions. Sighing, I straighten in the seat and finally look at Liam. “I don’t have any words or reasons. It’s not like I planned on it, any of it. It just… dude, it just kind of happened, and I didn’t know how to stop it. But I… I couldn’t leave her feeling betrayed by everyone.”
Liam’s eyes bore into mine. “So you did it for her?”
“I think so… as I said, I hadn’t exactly planned it. Who the fuck knows why I did any of it? I just know I crumbled when I saw the devastation on her face, and I couldn’t bear to leave her with no one.”
I already know what Liam is going to say before he even opens his mouth. “I’m going to tell her the truth.” He’s all stoic and shit, and it’s pissing me off. I’m feeling like my insides are tearing me apart, and he has the audacity to not only be decent to me but also to seem unaffected.
“Yeah, whatever,” I grumble and fold my arms over my chest.
Liam slaps the back of my head. “Stop being a fucking dickwad. I know you’re hurting, just as I know you’re going through hell with everything that’s going on. But why the fuck do you think you have to do it alone?”
His outburst silences whatever angry retort I wanted to hurl at him when he called me a dickwad. When the hell did Liam get so… wise? I suppose since he doesn’t really speak unless he has something to say, he has a lot of time to mull things over and observe.
“I don’t know,” I admit, feeling too fucking vulnerable for comfort.
Liam nods, looking all Yoda’ish, and I half expect him to start talking like the green alien. “I’ll tell you why. You’re punishing yourself, and it needs to stop. No, she won’t forgive you just like that.” He snaps his fingers for effect, and I roll my eyes. “Doesn’t matter, though. You wouldn’t accept it if she did, and rightfully so. You have a lot of shit to make up for, but you’re not making up for anything by sulking back here. She’s chosen us—you, me, and even Kai—so work with it instead of against it. She gave you the option to remain her consort or become that again, whichever. We both know she wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t mean it.”
“I know.” That’s all I say. I’m busy sorting through my thoughts. “There’s so much she doesn’t know.” It’s the first time I admit to something more going on, and maybe that’s my biggest mistake.
Maybe I should have told her about my deal with Mom all those years ago, but I didn’t. While I can’t change the past, I can rewrite the future. Nothing is set in stone. The hope I feel in my chest as I consider my options tells me this is what I need to do. I need to lay it all out for her, and then—only then—can she make a real choice.
“I’ll tell her everything after the wedding.” I laugh bitterly at the thought of going to Cia’s wedding while she’s marrying someone else.
Liam clasps my shoulder. “See that you do,” he says. Just as I think I’m getting off the hook, he adds, “Why wait, though? Just talk to her now instead of letting it fester.”
Although he’s right, I shake my head because he’s also wrong. So goddamn wrong. “I can’t,” I say, intending to leave it at that. But Liam’s quirked eyebrow irks me, and before I consciously decide to defend myself, my mouth acts of its own volition. “Let me fucking get my head straight first,” I snap, my tone low. “I can’t make sense of half the thoughts in my head. How the fuck can I start a conversation when I struggle to form coherent thoughts?”
“Whatever, man, it’s your funeral.”
I laugh bitterly. “No, it’s my dad’s, actually.”
Yeah, I’m a dick. That’s the only reason I’m taking pleasure in Liam’s obvious discomfort at the slip of his tongue. I’m not taking offense or anything, I know what he meant. Does that mean I’ll let him off the hook? No. As I said, I’m a dick.
Instead of getting up and retreating, Liam makes himself comfortable next to me, and it doesn’t take long before his soft snores make my eyes grow heavier again.
Normally, I don’t remember my dreams. I’m the kind of person who closes my eyes and lets sleep wash over me as I become all but dead to the world. But as Cia gently strokes the hair away from my forehead and I blink my eyes to get used to the light, I remember every detail—vividly.
I was dreaming of our last night on this godforsaken island. Unlike me, my cousin only has romantic notions of this place, and I envy her that. Where she sees it as the place where she grew wings, got a purpose, and found love, my reality was much different.
As I look at Cia’s face so close to mine, I’m reminded of something I once read.He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.That couldn’t be any more accurate for me. For years I thought I’d chosen my cousin, and I have, but at the same time, I haven’t. That needs to stop.
Without taking my eyes off Cia’s gentle gaze, I lift my hand and cup her cheek. “I choose you,” I say, feeling the rightness of the words.
She beams at me. “Are you saying I’m your Pikachu?” Cia asks, making my declaration fall flat. “Because if so, you need to do like Ash Ketchum. Let me run free, Gus. Don’t try to shove me into your Poké Balls and dictate my behavior.” She adds the last part with a huff, and I feel like fucking strangling her.
“Could you be serious for once in your life?” I growl.
Cia shakes her head at me. Though her eyes sparkle with mirth, her mouth is set in a straight line. “I am being serious. I may have made light of your words because… well…” she waves her hand in the air, searching for whatever word she needs to drive her point home. “Our lives are nothing but seriousness and tragedy. Literally, one third of the world rests on our shoulders, so what’s wrong with trying to make light of it all?”
When she says it like that, I get it. “Nothing,” I concede with a sigh. “There’s nothing wrong with it at all.”
Cia places her hand around my wrist, and I slacken my hold on her. “I just came back here to say we’re landing soon.” She’s all business now, all traces of her softness are gone.
