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“They just said there was a fire on the boat and the boaters tried to get it out themselves, probably waited too long before calling in the Mayday. They were far out, and it took over an hour for the Coast Guard to get there. The boat was still on fire and hadn’t sunk yet. When the Coast Guard showed up, they were on the deck, waving their hands. A diver was sent down, and chaos erupted. The diver had to act based on who he could save, but in the end, he didn’t save anyone. There were no survivors.”
“Did you get an autopsy done?” I ask gently.
She nods. “Yeah. Cause of death was drowning, which I always thought was so weird because they had his body. If he drowned, shouldn’t he be at the bottom of the ocean?”
I bite my lip because I know exactly how that happens. “Anything in his system?”
She nods. “Alcohol.”
“Just alcohol?”
She shakes her head. “Cocaine. I never even knew he did that. But I kept that to myself. No one else knows.”
I pull her into me and wrap my arms around her. I close my eyes, hoping she gives me a different answer than I’m expecting to the question I’m about to ask. “How long ago did this happen?”
“Four years ago,” she says, and it feels as though someone threw an axe dead center in my chest.
I should’ve known life wouldn’t give me Brinley—I don’t deserve her.
Brinley falls asleep in my arms, and I lie in bed knowing I’m a selfish bastard for taking this night for myself. To hear her soft breaths and feel her arms clinging to me one last time.
I can’t believe she’s one of the widows. That incident was my first loss in the four years since I enrolled, and I’ve never gotten over it. I almost didn’t reenlist after, but I went to therapy where they tell you to look at how many saves you’ve had, not how many losses. So when I reenlisted, I made a promise to myself that I would do anything in my power to make sure I didn’t experience a loss like that again. And I did just that, dedicating myself to the job until it was my sole focus—which is how I ended up with my commander forcing me on eight weeks of leave.
It’s easy for some therapist to tell you not to focus on the people you lose, but they don’t know what it’s like to be out there alone. How scared the people you’re trying to help are, knowing you’re in the middle of a dark ocean where Mother Nature makes the rules. The waves are high and deep and cold. Seeing the fear in a person’s eyes makes you second-guess for one second why you’d choose this profession until you’re both safe on the helicopter or boat after you’ve saved them. Their thank-yous and gratitude, seeing them reunited with their family, it all makes it worth it.
Sawyer should be in this bed with Brinley right now, not me, and it’s my fault he’s not. I’m a monster for holding her after what I did. She’ll never forgive me once she knows, and why should she?
So I slide out from under her and pull the blanket up over her shoulders, then take one last look at her sleeping form before I slowly shut her bedroom door behind me. I throw on some clothes, pack my shit, and grab my keys.
I drive around for hours and come to the same conclusion as when I left—I need to tell her the truth.
I text her to tell her I have to go work out and I’ll be back shortly. Since it’s Saturday, she doesn’t have to go to work. Then I call Calista, Easton, and Lance and ask them to meet me by the lake. They all complain, but they do as I ask. Thank God they gave me their numbers at my birthday party last night.
Lance is the first to show up. “Shit, man, I’m hungover. What do you need?”
“Just wait until everyone gets here.”
We wait in silence, then he talks about how he’s going to New York next week and how he should really get a condo there, but he likes his life here and wants to be like his dad. Then he goes into how maybe he should just buy a hotel around here and forget the family business, but his grandfather… I’m not really listening by that point.
Finally, Easton shows up with Calista right behind him, Rylan up on the hill. He’s never too far from his wife. I’m sure I’d be the same way.
They all sit on benches their family donated, their family members' names on them. It must be nice to always be reminded of where you come from. I thought maybe I’d found that here, or at least with Brinley, but fate took a sharp turn.
“Out with it,” Easton says.
“I don’t want to get into specifics, but I’m about to go into my apartment and talk to Brinley. It’s not going to go well, and after, I plan on leaving town.”
“What the hell?” Calista says.
Easton and Lance stand to approach me.
I hold up my hands. “Brinley told me about how Sawyer died last night.”
They’re all still confused.
“Brinley doesn’t know yet, but I’m a Coast Guard diver.” I raise my eyebrows with the hopes they get it without me having to go into a big explanation. She deserves to find out first.
“Oh,” Calista says. “Oh, and…”
