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Knowing my dad wasn’t the man I’d always thought he was made my entire life feel like a lie. I’d once read that we never really knew who our parents truly were as people. We didn’t really know their dreams and goals and desires. We didn’t know who they were before they had us—only stories they cared to share. And while I’d understood that, I had never really processed what it meant until now. My dad was an entirely different man than I’d thought. It was like I’d just found out he was an informant for the KGB or had been an informer to a war general. My entire idea of love was based on how much my father loved my mother. How even in death, he’d been unable to move on. But that had all been a lie. It hadn’t been love that had incapacitated my father; it had been guilt.
“Want a drink?” Josh asked, and I nodded. I needed to get drunk to forget everything. I just had to make sure not to lead him on. I didn’t want to be that girl. “Do you know what you want?” he asked, nodding his head stiffly to the beat of the music.
“Anything alcoholic,” I said, looking around the club. It was packed full of people dancing and having a good time. It was the sort of club that was too cool for someone like me, but I didn’t care.
“Okay.” He nodded, a twinkle in his eye. “Two sex on the beaches coming up.” There was a flirtatious tone to his voice that made me pause, and I leaned forward and touched his shoulder.
“Josh, please…” I sighed. “That guy… the one that was in the dorm… the one in the pizza place… I slept with him. He took my virginity. I liked him. That’s why I’m upset. He’s a jerk and a horrible man, and I hate him… but I can’t have you thinking that this,” I waved my hands around, “or rather that we will be anything. I think you’re a great guy, I really do, and I’d love to be friends, but I have no headspace for… anything.” I waited for him to respond, but he just stood there, a weird expression on his face.
“He didn’t deserve you,” he said finally. “I’ll get the drinks.”
“Thanks. I’ll be on the dance floor, trying to blend in.” I gave him an awkward smile.
I made my way across the dance floor, squeezing through drunk women and horny men that were hoping to take them home.
“Love your hair.” A pretty girl with bright pink eyeshadow grinned at me as she bobbed around, and I nodded my thanks, grateful for the compliment.
I was completely out of my comfort zone but didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything anymore. The DJ changed the song to “Antihero” by Taylor Swift, and I sang along, shouting the words as I danced. I was stiff and self-conscious at first, but I realized that no one was paying attention to me. I could do what I wanted, sing as loud as I wanted. I was just another person in a crowded room full of people. I was nobody. It felt nice being nobody again. I knew Josh would have a hard time finding me with our drinks, but I didn’t care. I was done catering to men and their wants and needs. I was done being understanding and caring and a doormat. Where had being nice and polite gotten me in life? Nowhere.
I felt arms slipping around my waist, and I looked back with a start. A tall blond guy with hazy blue eyes gave me a lopsided grin as he did the frat-boy shuffle behind me. I was about to push him away, but I stopped myself. The old me would have been too shy and intimidated to dance with a strange man, but I wasn’t the old me anymore. In fact, I had a feeling I would never be that girl again.
“Hey.” He nodded as we made eye contact, and I nodded. I didn’t want to have a conversation. I turned around, raised my arms in the air, undid my hair tie, and danced as if I were Olivia Newton-John inGrease. I could feel the guy behind me holding me closer, trying to bump and grind as the music changed to Beyonce. The girls next to me must have been a part of the beehive because they screamed and squealed in delight. Their energy was infectious, and I started jumping up and down as well.You are fine, Callie. Your heart is not broken. You do not feel used. Your dad is not a stranger.
“I fucking love this song.” I turned around and faced the guy so I could get my thoughts out of my head. I needed to stop thinking.
“Yeah, Kelly Clarkson rocks.” He leaned forward and tried to kiss me, and I swerved my head away. Maybe I shouldn’t have turned to face him.
“This isn’t Kelly Clark…” My voice trailed off as I felt hands tapping on my back. Josh was back, and he didn’t look happy. “Hey.” I smiled at him and took the pink drink from his outstretched hand. “Thanks.”
“Who’s your friend?” He nodded at the dopey guy next to me, and I withheld a sigh.
“Yo dude, I’m Troy. Just dancing with your sister.”
“She’s not my sister.”
“Oh?” He paused. “Your cousin?”
I stifled a giggle and took a sip of my very strong cocktail. I wanted to pinch myself. Was this real life? Or was I on some sort of alternate planet?
“We live in the same building,” I said as I extricated myself from Troy. “We’re friends.”
“Oh good. I’d hate to think I was getting a boner for someone else’s girl.” He winked at me, and I could see Josh growing angry.
“Well, it was nice meeting you,” I said quickly.
“You guys wanna hit?” he asked as I took another sip of my drink.
“I don’t smoke weed.” I shook my head.
“Not weed… you wanna bump?”
My jaw dropped. Was he asking me to bump uglies? And he’d said “you guys,” so did that mean he wanted a threesome?
“There’s a guy here,” he continued. “We can get special K… really have a party.”
“I don’t think so,” Josh answered, but I didn’t respond. My brain was telling me that taking drugs was irresponsible and stupid, but my heart was asking me where being smart and responsible had gotten me.
“How much is it?” I asked, my heart racing.
