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It finally clicks when I distantly recall Ford handing me a letter the day Summer had fled, but I’d been so preoccupied with news of Layla’s death and dealing with events since that I’d put it out of my head entirely.
Suddenly, my feet are itchy with the desire to find and read her parting words, but I make myself sit still under my child’s apparent disdain.
“I have it in my office, kid.” I find myself almost squirming when he turns up the accusation in his gaze. “I have yet to open it.”
Jesse’s eyes narrow and turn steely. There’s a part of me that really doesn’t like it, but the bigger part of my heart rejoices at him championing his mother. Of retaining a loyalty to the person who’s loved him more than anyone else.
The thought passes through my head unbidden, chipping away at the ice I’ve tried to erect around my heart.
“Why don’t you go and read it, son?” My Dad’s voice breaks through my thoughts. “I’ve got a present inside the house for Jesse, and when you come back down, we’ll have some of that tea Maggie mentioned.”
And in the true innocence reserved for childhood alone, Jesse’s scowl is replaced with a bright smile for his grandfather. “A present for me! Really?”
“Come on.” Dad stands, his dark eyes twinkling merrily with some secret or other. “It’s this way.”
He leads Jesse off through the kitchen and out into the foyer beyond. Once they’ve disappeared, I quickly follow after, moving towards my office and shutting the door firmly behind me.
I turn the key for good measure, pour myself two fingers of whiskey and settle into my chair behind the desk
The letter is locked inside the top drawer. I’d dropped it there when I’d rediscovered it in my back pocket as I’d begun damage control involved in having Layla’s body removed from her hotel without alerting the media. I fish the plain white envelope out and sit, staring at it in my left hand with the tumbler of whiskey trembling in my right.
Long minutes pass, and my stomach dips and swoops as I mull over what could possibly be inside. Now that the moment is here, I’m not altogether sure that I want to know what she’s left me with.
I knock back the whiskey with a wince, place the tumbler on my desk, and rip the envelope open without further thought. My fingers don’t work very well as I try to unfold the two sheets of paper inside, but I manage it after what feels like a long time and start to read.
Caden,
The last time I went away, I left my heart—literally and figuratively—in your keeping. This time, I do the same except double fold. I don’t doubt that you will take care of our son as carefully as you have treasured my heart all these years.
This is the letter I should have left for you back then had I not been scared and stupid.
Oh, Caden, where do I start?
I suppose the beginning is usually best…
Well, I’ve loved you since I arrived at your parent’s house at eight years of age. I remember that my knees were muddy from falling at my parent's graveside when I refused to leave them. My snotty nose was running like a tap from crying the entire way from London. My heart was broken, and I’d never felt more alone.
But it just took one face to recentre me. To light up my dark world after surviving such devastation. I took one look into your big blue eyes, and I saw your heart.
It was good, pure, and it called to mine like a siren song, singing me home.
You and I were as inevitable as the changing of day to night. However, some houses are made of cards and are simply not built to last.
Despite that, I will never regret a moment of our childhood love because it gave us Jesse.
Our boy is your miniature. He’s kind and gentle. A deep thinker with an easy smile and a heart bigger than the state of Texas. He can be stubborn, but he loves fiercely with a loyalty that’s all you.
These precious few days have been more than I could have ever dreamt of. Thank you for reminding me what butterflies feel like. Thank you for allowing me to come back home. For giving me a chance to feel your love one final time so that I can treasure it always.
If you can find it in your heart, please don’t keep me from Jesse.
I understand that you need to form a relationship with him. I strongly encourage you two to spend as much time as possible together, and I won’t put any strings on your time with him.
Just…please, I beg you. Don’t cut me out of his life.
You won’t need to deal with me directly unless absolutely necessary. I won’t make things harder than they need to be. You have my solemn vow.
And when you allow yourself to move past the love of your youth and are able to love again, just know that I would never use Jesse as leverage to try to continue being a part of your life. I will return to watching from afar, wishing you all the happiness in the world.
