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Chapter One
Zane
Theknockingonthedoor startled my already shattered nerves. My daughter, Kenlee, would not stop crying, and I didn’t know what to do. How could a six-month-old possibly cry this much? What was I doing wrong? No matter what I tried, nothing seemed to work. Sleep had become a distant memory and I was just about to open my sixth, or was it my seventh, energy drink of the day when the knock came.
Great, I am officially so tired, I no longer know how many Monsters I’ve had to drink.I thought to myself as I got up to answer the door.That can’t be good for me.
The knocking continued so I yelled out, “Hold on! I’ll be there in a second.” Unable to put Kenlee down, I carefully opened the door to be greeted by a smiling and sympathetic Sloane. Sloane Sutton, my best friend Harry’s new wife, a woman with a heart of gold and patience for days.
“Hi, Sloane. What can I do for you?” I asked.
Sloane smiled sweetly before saying, “I think the question is what can I do for you, Zane?”
“Nothing I can think of, but thanks. I’m good. I’ve got this under control,” I replied, trying to sound more confident than I was.
Kenlee and I had been staying at Henry’s ski lodge since Sarah, my wife and Kenlee’s mother died tragically in a car accident five months ago. After Sarah’s passing, the house we shared, which was once filled with such joy and laughter, sat empty and cold. I couldn’t bear the thought of going back there, so I jumped at the chance to stay with Harry when he graciously offered my daughter and me temporary lodging. Being a successful stock trader, I could technically work from anywhere. That is if I could concentrate amid the baby crying. Luckily, I had a dedicated staff who kept my business running. Harry, being the good guy that he was, didn’t put an end date on the offer to stay here. He knew I needed space to grieve, heal, and try my best to shift over into the role of being a single parent.
Obviously, I was failing miserably with the last one.
Sloane stepped inside, glanced at the empty pizza boxes and piles of Monster cans, then looked at me with a worried expression. I knew I must’ve looked like a total mess, with dark circles under my eyes and unwashed hair. Sloane could probably guess that I hadn’t showered or had a decent meal in days, and she’d be right. She set her bag down and took the baby from me. Sloan grabbed the bottle of formula that I had warming on the counter and began to feed Kenlee while she gently rocked her. Within minutes, Kenlee stopped crying, finished her bottle, and was sleeping peacefully.
“How did you do that?” I asked, raking my hands through my hair. “I have tried so many times to get her to eat and all I manage to do is make her scream more. What’s your secret?”
In many ways, Sloane reminded me of an old-school hippie trapped in the body of a twenty-something year-old. A total bohemian at heart with an athletic side. Sloane carefully placed Kenlee on her shoulder to burp her before saying, “There is no secret Zane. You are a ball of nerves and she can sense it. She can feel the calm energy I am projecting, allowing her to relax enough to eat and finally sleep.”
“I don’t know how to thank you. I didn’t think I’d ever get her down. You are a lifesaver, once again. You and Harry have done so much for us these last five months. We would be lost without you.” I was speaking earnestly, mostly because I meant every word I’d said, but also because the sleep deprivation was making me more emotional than usual.
Sloane’s eyes were full of love and concern. She smiled and said, “Zane, that is what friends are for. I know that if, God forbid, something happened to either Harry or myself, you would do the same.”
“Of course, I would, but I pray I never have to,” I said, kissing her cheek.
“Listen, I hate asking this, but while you’re here, would you mind watching her while I
take a quick shower? I am starting to think that maybe she was screaming because I smell like I’ve been living in a zoo.” I laughed, trying my best to make light of the situation.
Sloane laughed too and shooed me away. “Of course. Don’t be silly. You know I love this little angel. Now, go bathe. I’m as bohemian as the next hippie chick, but I draw the line at B.O. and you are dangerously close to that line my friend,” she said pretending to hold her nose. I started to walk away but she said my name softly under her breath. I turned back with a raised brow, and she shook her head. “Nothing, never mind.”
I felt like she wanted to ask me something, but I decided it could wait until after my shower. Right then, a shower sounded better than winning the lottery. I might not have been able to sleep, but I at least could get myself cleaned up. “I won’t be long,” I told her. Then smiling, I added, “Thanks, Sloane, I really appreciate this.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, now go. Kenz and I will be right here when you get back,” she said before starting to sing a gentle song to the beautiful infant in her arms. My perfect little daughter, who did not deserve any of this. “Take your time and relax. No offense, but you look and smell like hell.”
“Ouch! I’d be offended if it wasn’t true,” I said over my shoulder as I went into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and sighed with relief. This was the first alone time I’d had in a while, and even though I loved my daughter more than anything in the world, it felt good to have a moment or two of quiet to myself.
I got into the shower and stood under the steaming hot water, letting it penetrate my aching muscles. At this point, I couldn’t remember the last decent shower I’d had. Had it been one day, two, or three? The fact that I couldn’t recall told me it had been way too long. Exhaustion had taken over and set up residency as the dictator of my life. Being a single parent is not for the faint of heart. But it wasn’t like I planned to raise Kenlee alone. She had barely been a month old when Sarah was killed. I still had nightmares about it. Well, I did when I actually slept, but I couldn’t remember the last time I did that either.
“I still can’t believe she’s gone,”I said out loud to no one.
After stepping out of the shower, I dried off, wiped the mirror, and stared at my reflection. “Who are you?” I asked the ghost looking back at me. My face was pale and tired looking and the muscles I once had from working out and skiing were beginning to soften. They were still there, but I realized if I didn’t change my diet of energy drinks and pizza, they would soon dissolve into fat.
“Damn dude,” I said to myself, “Are you 34 or 64?
Even though I was technically a father, I didn’t love that I was adopting a ‘dad bod’. This was ridiculous. Just because I was tired and grieving, that didn’t mean I had to completely let myself go.
“If you won’t do it for your sake,” I said to the man in the mirror whom I hardly recognized. “Then do it for Kenlee.” She deserved to have a happy, healthy parent in her life. The happy part was going to take some time and wasn’t fully within my control, but at least I could take steps toward being healthier.
The pep talk seemed to revive me, even if it was only temporary. I put on some clothes and headed back to Sloane and Kenlee.
When I came into the living room, Sloane was changing the baby’s diaper. “Thanks, but you don’t have to do that. I can change her,” I said, feeling guilty. I looked at my baby, who was really quite a sight to see when she wasn’t screaming in my ear. My heart was overflowing with love for the smiling little infant.
