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I didn’t want to startle her so I gingerly approached her. I had Kenlee in the carrier and she giggled as we got closer. Katya heard this and looked up from her sandwich. I noticed she had only taken one bite and it didn’t look like she planned on eating more.
“You really should eat something,” I told her. “You don’t want to pass out during your shift.”
“I’m fine,” she said. “Please go away.”
Her words weren’t harsh, but they were cold and distant. It was like she was speaking to a business associate she barely knew. It hurt. Actually, it hurt a lot, but I knew I brought it on myself. I definitely deserved it. It wasn’t like I expected her to be all gushy and sweet but I wasn’t prepared for the hollowness in her voice.
“Katya—” I tried to start my apology, but the words wouldn’t come, so instead, I just sighed and stared back at her food. “You must be starving.”
Looking at me with even colder eyes, she stated, “No, in fact, I don’t have an appetite at all..”
Pressing the issue was only going to aggravate her more so I dropped it. It was obvious that she had no intention of starting a conversation with me. And why would she? A part of me wondered whether or not I should do what she asked and walk away, but I wanted to give the apology one last go before giving up completely.
“Katya, I came to say I’m sorry. I was completely out of line this morning, and had absolutely no right to talk to you that way. It was uncalled for. The only explanation I have is that I was frightened when I woke up and found Kenlee’s crib empty. It sent me into fight or flight mode, and I just panicked.”
“I wasn’t trying to take her,” Katya said, speaking quietly, so that I had to take a step closer to hear everything she was saying. “But she started to cry after I fed her, so I went outside so she wouldn’t wake you, and then she spit up on my shirt and—”
“There’s no need for you to explain yourself,” I said. “You were just trying to take care of my kid and I was the one passed out with a hangover… If anything, I should be thanking you, and I know you would never do anything to hurt Kenlee.”
“Never,” she said, shaking her head, as if the suggestion alone was utterly unthinkable.
“Katya,” I said after a few moments of silence. “I do not want to lose you. Not after last night. I think there is something between us and I hope you feel the same. Do you think you could find it in your heart to forgive me?”
Her eyes were somewhat softer but her tone did not change. It was still cold, professional, and distant. I missed the voice of the Katya I had come to know.
“Thank you. I accept your apology,” she stated and started to stand up and leave.
I gently grabbed her arm to stop her before she could make a quick getaway.
“Please, Katya. Is that all? Can we try and pick up where we left off? I know I royally screwed up and I know I need to prove myself, but I feel there is something between us. It’s something I can’t explain and don’t really understand, but I want to. That is if you will let us. We can figure it out together.”
I didn’t know what I was expecting her response to be, but I was as honest as I could be so I stood there hoping for the best.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before responding. I could tell it was difficult for her but she finally managed to say, “Zane, I accept your apology and I agree, there was something between us.”
“Was?” I asked.
Sighing, she looked at me with sadness. “Zane, I can’t handle the mood swings. They are too much. I know you’ve been through a lot, even though I don’t know all the details, and I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling… But after everything I went through with Aleks, I hope you can understand why I wouldn’t want to bring another man with anger issues into my life. Or into Luca’s life, for that matter. I appreciate everything you have done for me, more than you will ever know, but I have to think about Luca and myself now,” she said before gathering her cart and leaving for her afternoon shift.
I let her go because I didn’t know what else to do. Everything she said was true but I would be damned if this was the end of it. For the first time since Sarah died, I actually felt something and I refused to let it slip away from me because of my stupidity. Somehow, I would make this right.
###
I hoped I might get to process today’s events and get some clarity during Kenlee’s afternoon nap, but she had other plans. She refused to sleep, and I was back to square one. Nothing I did or tried was successful. I was grateful our room was at the end of the hall. If we had neighbors, Harry would’ve had to kick us out by now. For a tiny baby, her screams could wake the dead. After what felt like an eternity but in reality, was probably only an hour, I finally remembered some of the tips Katya gave me.
Damn, I wish she was here. She would have had her down already.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't even notice that the tips worked. By the time I snapped back to reality, Kenlee was sound asleep.
Once Kenlee was settled, I sat down at my computer to check my emails. I deleted the junk and responded to a few work emails before I saw it. It was an invitation to a local Bankers’ fundraising charity gala event this Friday to raise money for Christmas gifts for children in foster care.
I was not in the mood to be sociable so I almost hit decline, but then I had an idea. I didn’t know if it would work, but maybe, just maybe I could convince Katya to go with me. I knew it was a long shot, but she was worth it. To get her to accept, I was going to have to “go big or go home” as the saying goes. I just hoped my plan was big enough to keep me from having to go home alone. I started making a few phone calls and began to write.
I felt hopeful that this could work, but only time would tell.
Chapter Twenty
Katya
