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“But she’s so little,” he said with scrunched-up brows.
“Yes, she is and the new baby will be even smaller. It will be your job as the big brother to protect both of them just like Batman protects the people of Gotham,” I said.
That got his attention. “Like Batman? You mean, I have to keep all the bad guys away from them?”
“You sure do and I cannot think of a better person than you to do it. So, what do you think about that?” Katya asked.
Not able to say his L’s correctly yet, he adorably yelled, “I’m going to be the best big brother to Kenwee and the new baby!”
Katya and I started laughing as he took off running down the hall toward the playroom. Sliding her arms around my waist, Katya looked up at me and said, “Thank you for saying that.”
“What did I say exactly?” I asked her.
“That Luca is also Kenlee’s big brother. It may not seem like a big deal to you but to that little boy in there, it’s huge. I am not sure I have ever seen him that excited or that proud. I’m not sure if you could tell, but he is taking his new job very seriously,” she said laughing.
“I could tell. Maybe we should get him one of those “I’m the Big Brother” tee shirts. I think he’d like it.”
This made Katya laugh even harder. “Like it? We might not ever get it off of him. But, that’s a great idea. Thank you for thinking of it,” she said and then leaned up to kiss me before heading back to the kitchen.
“Don’t mention it,” I said, tickling her sides a little before she walked away.
###
We spent the next few days packing and getting ready to move back to my house. Saying ‘my house’ felt weird as I wanted Katya to feel like it was her home too. Deep down I knew that in order for us to both feel at peace living in the home I once shared with Sarah, there was something we needed to do. Or maybe it was something I needed to do, but I wanted Katya there with me. So, while we were lying in bed one evening, I got the courage to bring it up. Katya was laying on my chest and I was playing with her hair. “Katya, I was wondering if you would do something for me?”
She sat up pushing her hair behind her ears and looked at me puzzled. “Zane, you know I would do anything for you. What is it?”
Sighing, I said, “Well, I was wondering if you would be willing to visit Sarah’s grave with me? I haven’t been since the funeral and I think it’s time. When we buried her, I was functioning on autopilot, just getting through the days. I know I was there, and I know we had a service, but I can’t even remember the details. I don’t remember actually telling her goodbye. That was the hardest part. It all happened so fast that I never got to tell her goodbye. I never got to say ‘I love you’ one last time.”
Katya placed her hand over my heart and said, “She knew it here, Zane. No matter what you had to do to get through those horrific days, Sarah knew what you felt in here. But of course, I’ll go with you.”
I pulled her to me and kissed her. “Thank you. Having you by my side will make it easier. This might sound cliché, but I want the only two women I have ever loved to meet,” I said, somewhat embarrassed.
Katya smiled softly. “It doesn’t sound cliché at all, my love. I want nothing more than to pay my respects to her. I want her to know that she can rest easy now. Although I can never replace her, I will do everything I can to be the best possible mother to Kenlee and the best partner to you.”
“Somehow, I think she already knows that, but thank you,” I said, kissing her goodnight. Before turning out the light, I tilted her chin up to look at me. “Katya, I love you. Now and always.”
She settled into the crook of my shoulder and said, “I love you too, now until infinity.”
###
The next morning, I looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day for December in Montana, so I decided it was the perfect time to make our trip to the cemetery. It was cold but the sun was shining which helped with the chill. I stopped at the florist on the way and bought a dozen StarGazer Lilies to put on her grave. I knew most people bought roses, but lilies were Sarah’s favorite, so that’s what I got. Katya smiled when she saw them.
“The flowers are beautiful, Zane. Sarah will love them,” she said when I pulled out of the parking lot.
“I hope so. She always joked that I never bought her flowers. I guess I’m making up for it now,” I said sadly.
Katya kissed my cheek and settled back into her seat. We made small talk or listened to the radio the rest of the way there and I was grateful for the way Katya let me be without trying too hard. I didn’t know why, but the closer we got, the more nervous I felt. I think Katya could tell because she reached over and grabbed my hand but never asked me what was wrong. She didn’t have to. She already knew.
When we arrived, I put the car in park and sat staring for a moment. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer to help me get through it. The day of Sarah’s funeral was a foggy memory and I hoped I could remember where her headstone was. I turned off the car and grabbed the flowers. Katya and I walked through the graveyard, hand in hand, and thankfully I remembered the way.
Or maybe Sarah guided me, I didn’t know.
Seeing her name on the headstone sucker punched me. The finality of it. In my mind, I could still see, smell, and hear her, but seeing the headstone reminded me she was gone. It was a glaring reminder that there was an end date. Sarah’s had come much too soon, but I realized there was an end date for all of us which also reminded me of how close I came to losing Katya. Of course, I couldn’t prove it, but over the last few days I had started feeling like Sarah had something to do with saving her. Like she was our guardian angel.
I started crying. Not really out of sadness, although that was present, more out of guilt. I had spent the last five months wallowing in my own self-pity that I had not even bothered to come out here. Sarah deserved better than that. I felt like a worthless piece of shit, but I also knew that Sarah would call me out for that. I could hear her saying, “Shut up, you fool. You’re only human.”
Grabbing Katya’s hand, I gently pulled her toward the grave. Together we laid the flowers down and when we stood back up, I spoke in a gentle, shaky voice.
