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I wasn’t sure I wanted her to read that. It wasn’t anything terrible so much as it was just a really raw version of myself and the pain I felt over my family being torn apart. It shared a glimpse of the things I dealt with that involved Libby, too, and I wasn’t sure Libby would want for someone else to know those things about her, which was part of the reason why I hadn’t been positive about putting it in the book, either.
But Erin reached out and took the papers as she asked the question, not really giving me the chance to turn her down. She then started reading, and I could tell with the way her face changed she was really connecting with what I had down on the paper, and I felt I should clarify a few things before she got too far into it.
“I’m going to talk with Libby before I publish that part,” I said. “I’m not sure she would want that to be shared with many people, and I would rather you let me be the one to tell her that you know, as she is really sensitive about this entire situation.”
“You’re so raw,” Erin said.
“What?”
“I mean, I knew what happened as far as the black-and-white facts go, but I didn’t really stop to think about the details. Like, I wasn’t going to think about how terrible that must have been outside of sympathizing with you and Libby, but to see on paper all the terrible details you had to live out in real life is really emotional. The things she had to go through show she’s a fighter. Even what you put here with how she was crying for her mom when they took her out of the car and put her into the ambulance. I just, I don’t know. It makes me want to cry. And to know that you had to deal with all this, and you weren’t even able to be home for the accident itself. I just can’t imagine. I can’t even start to wrap my mind around everything you have put down here. It’s just, I don’t know, horrible.”
“I feel like putting it down on paper has been a way for me to deal with some of it. It’s like letting it out on the page and sharing it with others gives me the chance to not be so closed off. But I also don’t want to share it with others in a way that allows them to be all gushy about it. I just want to share it, but I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you, but I’m hoping that it’s a message I can convey to the rest of the world,” I said with a shake of my head. “Sorry, I’m rambling. If you’re going to go to the mainland, you might want to get on the road so you don’t have to drive late.”
“You just don’t want me to keep going with this chapter,” she said with a small smile.
“That could be part of the reason, but it’s not a bad one,” I said. “I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Or Libby. You have already done so much good in her life without feeling sorry for the things she has gone through, and I think she needs a friend like that. I don’t want her to feel like a project or something that others pity. I want her to know she can come through this with support, but she’s the one with the strength inside her.”
“I’m not going to tell her that I read this,” Erin said. “But it does help me with being able to put myself in her position more. I had a skin condition that left scars, but she went through something terrible that gave her those marks. No wonder she hates them as much as she does. I’m sure every time she looks in the mirror, she sees them and thinks of that night and how she can’t ever get away from it fully.”
“I think she can,” I argued. “And I think she’s on the right track with the things you’re doing with her. I’m sure it’s going to take a lot more time, but you’re still here for a couple of months, and that gives me hope that there is time for this stuff to change. But I’m not going to push her, and I’m not going to make her go through things I know aren’t easy, either. I want her to go through this on her own terms and be there for her as she does. Everyone grieves differently, and I don’t want to put my own method onto her.”
Erin shook her head as she continued reading through the papers while I spoke. I wasn’t sure if she was able to hear what I was saying, along with paying attention to what she was reading, but I also didn’t stop. I wasn’t entirely talking to her. There was a part of me that was just talking and putting the things that were going on in my head out there for the world to hear.
“It’s obvious your family is your world,” Erin said at last. “Thank you for letting me read this. Even if you don’t put it in your book for anyone else to see, thank you for letting me have that glimpse into your life. I can see that you loved your wife very much, and you love your daughter very much. If there’s one thing clear with this, it’s love.”
I smiled. “That’s what I was hoping.”
She handed me the pages back, and I gathered them together, tapping them into a neat little pile before putting them on the desk next to my laptop. I’d already had them printed out and ready to go should the day come when I chose to go back to doing a memoir. But I decided today I would just keep working on my current book and come back to the idea of a memoir later.
Letting Erin see with her own eyes the things I had spilled onto the paper was a big step in my own life, and it made me feel I could let some of my guards down. It wasn’t easy opening up and letting myself feel things like love again. I didn’t want to be hurt again, and I knew falling in love came with a long set of challenges and a lot of risks.
But just feeling the empathy and love radiating from Erin drew me to her, and I was glad I’d let her see that part of me.
It made me want to let her see more.
Chapter Eighteen
Erin
Icouldn’tputintowords what came over me.
It was like reading through what Neils had put on the paper moved me, and I was able to see Neils in a way I hadn’t seen him before.
There hadn’t been any doubt in my mind about his love for his daughter. Of course, it was only natural to also appreciate the love he must have had for his wife before her death.
But to see the way he had put his heart and soul on the paper was enough to move me to tears, and I had to force myself not to break down right there in his office. I knew my eyes were already betraying my emotion. I could feel them both welling up with tears.
Neils, for his own part, clearly wasn’t comfortable with sharing that side of himself, and I felt on top of the world being the one whom he shared it with first. It told me a lot about him, even if he had left me terribly confused after the kiss.
He was a man who ran hot and cold, and in order to see more of the warmth inside him, I had to break down the walls. They were slowly starting to come down themselves, but I wanted to hasten the process. It wasn’t the first time I thought about ending the contract and being with Neils rather than working for him.
But I obviously had to know more about how he felt and what he thought before I did something like that.
And with Libby at school, this was the perfect time for me to make a move.
I put my hand on his shoulder, causing him to look up at me.
“I’m amazed by what you put on paper there,” I told him. “Truly. You were able to express yourself in a way that not many artists can. I didn’t just read what you had on the paper there, I felt what you had experienced.”
