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They started walking along the muddy track and crossed a stile into a field by the road.
‘I knew I was going to come up here, and yes, I fancied a bit of company.’ He gave her an unreadable look. ‘I took the chance you’d say yes. Frankly, I was willing to gamble a sandwich on it.’
‘High stakes.’ Liz tutted, grinning back. She had to admit that being out in the beautiful clean air of Loch Cameron in the middle of the work day was good for the soul.
‘I’m a gambler, for sure,’ he agreed as they walked along, companionably. ‘So, how’s life? How are you settling in, up here? Missing the big city?’ Ben unwrapped his sandwich and took a big bite, wiping pickle from his chin.
‘Yeah, okay.’ Liz nodded. She must have sounded strange, because he raised his eyebrow at her. ‘What?’
‘You don’t sound okay. And this morning, you were staring out of the window like Elvis was doing his Las Vegas set out there when I came in. Penny for them?’ Ben devoured the rest of his sandwich, catching her eye and looking guilty. ‘Sorry. I too was really hungry.’
‘Oh, you don’t want to hear it,’ Liz sighed.
‘I do. But only if you want to tell me.’ He wadded up the cling film the sandwich had been in and put it in his pocket.
Liz thought about it for a moment and realised that, actually, she really wanted to talk to someone. It wasn’t so much Paul, as what his reappearance meant for her ambitions to have a family. Ever since Paul had kissed her, her head had been in a spin. He had said he didn’t want a baby, still. But Liz still wanted Paul, and she still felt that he would be an ideal father, if she could only make him see it.
‘I don’t mind telling you,’ she took a bite of her sandwich while she thought of what she would say, ‘I ended a relationship. I needed a new start, somewhere else, which is why I applied for the job at Loch Cameron,’ she began slowly. ‘And, as well as that, my partner and I had been doing IVF for a few years. We were unsuccessful. Obviously,’ she frowned, breaking off a corner of her sandwich and picking at it, ‘it was really tough – physically, emotionally, mentally – doing my job at the old firm and going through that too. But I wouldn’t quit. My work means a lot to me.’
‘I can see that about you.’ Ben nodded. ‘You’re very driven. That’s why I gave you the job.’
‘Yeah. Well, in the case of my ex, it also drove him away.’ Liz raised an eyebrow. ‘And, it didn’t help me get pregnant. So, he left me, because of the stress that IVF was putting on our relationship.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that.’ Ben’s voice lowered. ‘That’s really difficult.’
‘Yeah.’ Liz half-laughed, feeling like she also wanted to cry. ‘And, the thing is, that we broke up, and suddenly he called me up and wanted to see me again. So, we met up for a drink. He still doesn’t want a baby. But he wants me. And wants me to move back to Glasgow. So he says.’
‘Wow. It’s… no wonder you looked distracted, earlier.’ Ben raised an eyebrow.
‘Ha. Yeah, you might say that.’ Liz half laughed, though she also could have cried if she thought too hard about the Paul situation.
They reached the top of the gently sloping field and entered a wide meadow, bordered by trees. Liz recognised firs and yews, combining their deep green foliage with beech trees and oaks. In the wide, blue sky above, large birds Liz thought might be hawks circled slowly on the updrafts. When she looked down again, small flashes of brown caught her eye, and she realised that they were rabbits, frisking in the afternoon sun. She pointed them out to Ben, whose eyes crinkled up as he nodded, smiling.
‘Bunnies!’ Liz exclaimed, louder than she intended, then giggled self-consciously. ‘Sorry. I sounded about five then.’
‘Yes, bunnies.’ Ben laughed. ‘Don’t apologise. I love them too, though so do those hawks.’ They walked on a little further. ‘This is where the starlings nest. They generally do their murmuration about now,’ Ben added, holding out his arm to stop her going any further. Liz had the enjoyable sensation of contact with Ben’s muscular arm against her body for a moment, and then he pulled away. ‘Sorry.’
‘No need to apologise,’ she said. ‘And yes, I am kind of distracted. I don’t know what to do about the whole thing really.’
‘I’m not sure that I have much wisdom to impart. But you should obey your instincts. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in this life, then always do what feels right to you. Not what you think you should do, or what other people think you should.’ He looked at her thoughtfully. ‘Do you love him? Do you want to go back to Glasgow?’
‘I don’t know,’ Liz confessed. ‘There are a lot of bad memories there. I did love him. But he broke my heart. I don’t know if you can ever come back from that. And, he thought I wastoo much. You know I said that to you before. That I’ve been told that a lot in my life, in one way or another. And I don’t want to betoo much. I want to be… perfect, just as I am.’
‘You did say that before, and I don’t see it that way.’ He nodded, seriously. ‘You’re a powerhouse. You’re a funny, sassy, hardworking woman. If that’s too much for someone, then they need to have a look at themselves, in my humble opinion.’ He shrugged.
‘Well, thanks. I appreciate that.’
‘You’re welcome. So, you needed somewhere to escape. Now I understand. I was amazed you took the job. I know it’s nothing like what you had. You even took a pay cut.’
‘Yeah. I needed somewhere quiet. Different. I think the slower pace here is good for me, anyway. Without wanting to sound lame, I think I needed somewhere to come and… heal, I guess. And the cottage – and the village, the people – are really sweet and friendly.’ Liz watched as a small flock of birds started to fly from one tree to another. ‘Is that it? Is it starting?’ She pointed to them.
‘Yes. They should all take flight soon.’ Ben frowned, looking up at the wintry sky. ‘Well, you won’t find anywhere as quiet, probably. And, people are nice, on the whole. Probably a bit gossipy, but their hearts are in the right place.’
‘That’s no bad thing.’ Liz felt vulnerable, like she had exposed too much of herself to Ben. She bit her lip, thinking that she shouldn’t be so open. But there was something about him that inspired it.
‘And do you still want a baby? Because if you do and he doesn’t, then you’ve answered your question, surely.’ Ben passed her a bottle of water. ‘Here. Always best to stay hydrated.’
‘I do. He doesn’t. I suppose I just thought, maybe he might change his mind.’ She took the water bottle and drank some, handing it back to Ben. ‘Thanks.’
