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‘Well, I went home on leave about two years into our relationship. She was acting weirdly. Like, wouldn’t look me in the eye. She was disappearing in the evenings, refusing to explain where she was going. In the end, we had a big barny and I found out that she’d been seeing someone else. A friend of mine, in fact.’ He let out a long breath. ‘She’d been seeing him behind my back for a year.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.’ Carrie frowned. ‘That’s tough.’
‘Yes, it was. But long-distance relationships are an affair waiting to happen. No,’ Rory checked himself and shook his head, ‘that’s the wrong way to put it.’ He sighed. ‘See, after I found out, I was… very angry. I did some things that I regret, and that I’ve apologised to her for.’
‘What things?’ Carrie asked, cautiously.
‘When she told me what she’d done, I lost the plot and kicked a hole in one of the inside doors. Then I…’ he looked ashamed, ‘… I don’t like saying this.’
‘What?’
‘I pulled it off its hinges.’
‘The whole door?’ Carrie was aware that she probably looked horrified, but she tried to control her expression.
He nodded. ‘I was so angry. But you’ve got to understand that I had a lot of unprocessed rage from my childhood. Sure, I was upset about what had happened, but it wasn’t really her I was angry at. It was my father. I’d been suppressing a lot of anger for a long time, and it came out. That’s a whole other story.’
‘So, what happened?’ Carrie folded her arms over her chest. ‘Even if you did have unhealed trauma, you didn’t have a right to frighten her like that. I bet she was terrified.’
‘She was. I know, and I’ve spent a lot of time working through that anger. I apologised profusely. She and I have made our peace now.’
‘That’s good to know, at least,’ Carrie said, watching him. ‘Do you still have anger issues?’
‘No. My therapist has helped a lot in dealing with my past. Remember I said I was seeing one?’
Carrie nodded.
‘Well, my dad was an alcoholic. He could be violent. Had a violent temper.’ Rory took a deep breath. ‘When I did… that, on that day, I took a step outside myself and I saw him. That was me, kicking that door, pulling it off its hinges, but it was something I learnt from my dad. And it horrified me.’ His voice shook. ‘In retrospect, I don’t blame Sarah for finding someone else. Long distance is hard, and I was so unavailable. Sometimes I’d be on a job and I wouldn’t speak to her for a couple of weeks or more. I wasn’t the ideal boyfriend. Very far from it,’ he sighed. ‘The thing was that I thought I was ready for marriage and babies, but I wasn’t. Not really. I loved Sarah, but all that grown-up stuff scared me rigid. Which was part of why I always preferred to be away, doing this crazy job that literally required me to be permanently having an adventure and not living a normal life. I realised that, when I was away this time. What that life really is. And, yeah, initially I was terrified after we slept together, because all these feelings erupted in me, and I didn’t want to have my heart broken again – or to unleash that kind of emotion that broke everything before. And then, when I’d been away a couple of weeks, for the first time, I missed all the normal things. I missed the restaurant. My house. And I missed you. And I knew you were who I wanted, and that I should stop being a total idiot and come back to you the first opportunity I had.’
‘I missed you too,’ she said, feeling herself blush at the intimacy of Rory’s words.
‘I needed to tell you that. I needed to get it out.’ Rory heaved a huge sigh. ‘It’s in the past, and I’m a different person now. But I needed you to understand.’
‘I understand.’ Carrie got up and went over to him. ‘I know that we all carry wounds, and they can make us do things we regret,’ she said, kneeling in front of the chaise longue and taking Rory’s hands in hers. ‘Believe me, I know. But I also know that we can decide to move on, when we’re ready. Our pasts don’t have to define us.’ She leaned forwards, and kissed him gently.
He responded, kissing her back. ‘Oh, Carrie. I’ve been such an idiot. Can you forgive me?’ he asked, again kissing her gently, his hand stroking her hair. ‘I want you so badly. Not just for one night. For every night, if you’ll have me.’
‘I will,’ she breathed, melting into his arms. ‘There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with you.’
THIRTY-FIVE
The sun shone brightly on the trees and the flowers in the little graveyard, and Carrie shaded her eyes from the light. She was glad it wasn’t raining. It seemed right and fitting for the laying of Claire’s memorial stone in the grounds of the little chapel on the hill that overlooked Loch Cameron. Carrie had asked that the ceremony take place outside rather than inside the chapel, as she thought Claire would have preferred it.
‘And though Claire’s ashes have been scattered in the loch itself, we are placing this stone here today to provide a special place to remember her,’ the vicar said, as the group gathered around the stone that Carrie had had inscribed with Claire’s name, her dates of birth and death, and a short message: LOVED AND MISSED ALWAYS.
‘May our heavenly father bless her and keep her. Into your hands, O merciful Saviour, we commend Claire. Acknowledge, we pray, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock. Enfold herin the arms of your mercy, in the blessed rest of everlasting peace and in the glorious company of the saints in light. Amen.’
The vicar nodded to Carrie, who stepped forward in the ring of friends that had gathered for the ceremony. Rory had been holding her hand tightly, but he squeezed it and let her go. Graham stood on Carrie’s other side, and there were quite a few villagers there too, who had come to pay their respects to a girl none of them remembered – or, only remembered as a child, so many years ago – but had nonetheless turned up to support Carrie. Angus was there, as was Dotty, with a lace hankie already wiping away tears. Next to her, June and Dr Dan stood respectfully, as did Bess and Sally, wearing matching black suits and ties. Most of the choir had gathered there as well, and though Gretchen hadn’t been able to make the walk up the steep steps to the chapel she had sent Carrie a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a note that said:Gone but never forgotten. Much love, G xxx.
Carrie cleared her throat. ‘Claire was the best sister I could ever have asked for. And I know that she was also the best fiancée, the best friend and, sometimes, the worst smart aleck,’ she began, smiling, and appreciating the group chuckling. ‘But that just meant she was clever, she was funny, and she was my world.’
Carrie’s voice thickened for a moment as the emotion started to well up inside her. Rory stepped forward and took her arm, but she nodded.
‘It’s okay. I’m okay,’ she murmured, and then raised her voice so that everyone could hear her. ‘I don’t want to say much. You all know that I came to Loch Cameron to try to get over losing Claire. I don’t think I ever will, but I did realise some things while I was here. And some of you – all of you, in your different ways – helped me deal with the loss.’ Here she met June’s eyes, who nodded, in her kind but firm way.
‘So, I want to say thank you. Because I don’t think I’d be standing here today without you all. And your cups of tea and coffee, and cake, and the choir, and your wisdom. All of it. Thank you.’ Carrie bowed her head for a moment. As she looked up, she caught Angus’s eye, who winked at her and mouthed, ‘Proud of you.’
She smiled back at her neighbour. ‘So, in a minute, I’ve asked the choir to sing, but first I just wanted to say this. It’s something I found online, and it resonated with me. I tweaked it a bit.
