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Damn it. Him and hisfavors.
“What?”
Sincerity takes over his features. “Consider moving in with me. I’ll do anything to make you comfortable there. Sleep on the couch. Crash in the basement. Sleep in my truck if I haveto.”
“It didn’t end well the last time I was at your house. I feel like too much of anoutsider.”
“I’ll make things right. Make you happy there. Give me achance.”
I slowly nod. “I’ll think aboutit.”
“And …” he draws out. “Just one more seriousquestion.”
“What more can you want?” I ask, fakingannoyance.
“Why did you name your cat Scooby? Letting you name our child worriesme.”
“My grandfather had a cat named Scooby. No one understood why, and he never told us.” I narrow my eyes at him with a smile. “So, consider yourself lucky to hear myreason.”
“And what would thatbe?”
“Because my grandfather named hisScooby.”
He nods. “Let’s keep the cartoon names to ouranimals.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Dallas
I rememberthe day I told Maven that Lucy haddied.
I sat her down and broke the news, and she didn’t take it well. For weeks, she cried and lashed out. Trying to explain death to a six-year-old isn’t easy. All I could tell her was that Mommy had gone to heaven, but she took that as Mommy had left because she was mad at her. We went to counseling with our preacher. I stayed at home for days, built pillow forts, and had tea parties with stuffedanimals.
Telling her about losing one of the babies terrified me, thinking that she’d revert to that sadness. We’d lost too many people. Gone through too much hell. Maven had started suggesting names from her favorite books. Everyone we passed on the street, at the grocery store, at her preschool had heard her boast and brag about how she was going to be a bigsister.
I took advice from my family and set her down last night. As badly as I wanted Willow at my side, she’d been through enough. Maven cried but is more understanding of death now. She said her mommy was taking care of the baby inheaven.
It’s been a week since I asked Willow to move in. She hasn’t brought it up again, and I know what I need to do before she does. And today of all days is when I decide I have to do something that will hurtme.
I didn’t want to get out of bed today, but I had to pull my shit together and doit.
Today is a day I used to celebrate. Now, it’s a day of darkness. My mom offered to watch Maven before I even told her myplans.
I take the drive I haven’t made in a few weeks. I haven’t told her the news, I’ve been afraid to tell her, but I can’t beanymore.
I sit down in front of her gravestone and place the pink tulips, her favorite flower, in front ofit.
“Hey, Lucy-Pie,” I whisper. “Happy birthday.” I chuckle, sitting back. “Big thirty-two.”
I sigh. “I know I haven’t been here in a while. I’m sorry. And I know you like me to be honest, so that’s what I’m going to give you. I’ve been consumed with guilt, feeling like a trader, a bad husband, like you’d be disappointed in me. It was a dumbass thought because I know your heart. You’d probably want to slap me right now and tell me to get it together. You’d lead the way for me when I didn’t know which way to turn. Tough love is what you calledit.”
My eyes water. “I’m having a baby. We were supposed to have two, but we lost one. It was like going through hell again. Maven wants you to watch over her baby brother or sister. Can you do that forus?”
The sun beats down on me, and a tear falls down my cheek. “I lost the baby like I lost you, and I was so mad. So damn mad. I felt sorry for myself. I was pissed at everyone … at everything. But my anger and fear is only going to make me keep losingpeople.”
I sigh and slip my wedding ring off my finger. I stare at it one last time before digging a small hole in the dirt with my fingers. My hands shake while I bury it next to the tulips. “I realize now why you made me promise. I had no problem promising to be a good father, and that’s what I’ll do to both of my children. I reluctantly promised to find love again, and I hope you’ll be proud of me when I say I have.” I tell her about Willow, about our babies, about how excited Maven is to become a bigsister.
I wipe my nose. “And, while you’re up there, will you give our baby a hug forus?”
