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Whatthe hell didIsay that for?
Herlips thin. “Ofcourse.Howstupid of me to forget that you’ve been fucking your way through hundreds of girls since you were a teenager.IguessI’mlucky that my number finally got called.”
Iscrub my hands over my face, then thrust my fingers through my hair. “Whereis this coming from?Youweren’t interested in me when we were teenagers, so why make it out likeIwas ignoring you?”
Shelooks away from me, her cheeks flushing.
“Andyeah,Imay have been with a lot of women.Butwhat happened last night has got nothing to do with that.Thisis about you and me and what’s changed between us.Andif you actually thinkItried to screw another woman last night, then lucked out and decided to fuck you instead, then we’ve got more serious issues thanIthought.”
She’sbiting her bottom lip now, staring hard at where her fingers are tugging on the hem of her shirt.Frustrationand anger scrabble at my chest.Shaeactually thinks that little of me.Fuck.Itake a deep breath and try to see it from her point of view.Shehas no idea what’s going on in my head, just likeIdon’t know what’s going on in hers.AndBeau’swords were pretty damning if she didn’t know that the whole timeIwas withIsabelle,Iwas really thinking of her.
Iowe her the truth.Oras much of it asIcan give her anyway.
Isit next to her on the bed, and she turns to look at me, her big brown eyes glossy.Herlower lip trembles, and she looks away.Idid this to her.Madeher so uncertain.Ipinch her chin between my thumb and forefinger and turn her face back toward me.
“Shae.Listento me.Nothinghappened betweenIsabelleand me last night.AlthoughifI’dwanted it to, it could have.”
Sheflinches, butIhold her chin so she can’t turn away, andIwait until she makes eye contact again before continuing.
“I’mtelling you this becauseIwant you to know thatyouwere whoIwas thinking about.Onlyyou.Somuch so thatIsabellecalled me on it.Shecould tellIwasn’t focused on her.Andalthough she didn’t say your name,I’mpretty sure she sensed whatever this is between us.”
Shaeblinks, and the breath she lets out is tremulous.
“Iwas talking to her whenBeauleft last night, and yes,Idid dance with her, which is why he thoughtIspent the night with her.Butlet me make this very clear.Theonly womanIwanted to fuck last night was you.Idon’t know where we’re going to end up,Shae, butIwant you to know you’re the only womanI’mthinking about.”
Sherolls her lower lip between her teeth, andIhave the urge to tug the soft flesh out soIcan press my mouth to hers, butIlet her think through whatI’vesaid.
“I’msorryIwas bitchy,” she finally says.
Ismile and shake my head at her.
“Youweren’t bitchy.Youwere hurt and unsure.Ihaven’t been talking to you, andIshould have been.I’mthe one who should be sorry.”
Sheturns her whole body toward me. “Whydon’t you want to tellBeau?Doyou really think he’d be upset?”
Ihesitate.I’mnot sure she’d understand the agreementBeauandImade years ago.Orwhy breaking it has me feeling all kinds of guilt right now.
Andeven with all that guilt, the selfish part of me is terrified that as soon as she finds out howBeaufelt about her back then—mightstillfeel about her—she’ll walk away from me without a second thought.
Onceagain, my mind spirals back in time, andI’mlooking at those pages in her notebook.Theones that have his name with hearts drawn all around it, the ones where she’d written their initials together, where she’d tested out how her first name looked with his last name.Thepages that had smacked me over the head with the realization that she liked my cousin as more than a friend.Ihadn’t bothered looking at anything else.Whenshe’d come back to her bedroom,I’dmade an excuse and gotten out of there, not sure why the thought of being around her right then made me feel like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.Itwas only a few weeks later thatBeauhad come to me to confess his feelings forShae, andI’dpanicked.
NowI’mstuck in this situation, andIhave no idea how to handle it.Ineed some time before the truth inevitably comes out. “Ithink he’ll be concerned about what this might do to our friendship.AndIthink it’s too early to involve him.It’ssomething we need to work out between ourselves first.”
Shaenods slowly. “Iguess that makes sense.Ifeel bad living in his house and sneaking around behind his back, though.”
Iswallow hard, pushing down the worry and the ever-present guilt. “Don’tworry,Bambi.Ipromise it will all work out.”
ChapterTwenty
Shae
Ican’t believeIsaid those things.
Squintinginto the bright sunshine over the top of my laptop,Ipush back my chair, the metal legs screeching on the tiles of the balcony.I’mstiff after sitting for too long, distracting myself with work, soIstretch my neck by moving my head in circles and extend my legs out under the table my laptop is sitting on.
Devonwas right.ThehurtIfelt thinking of him withIsabelle, imagining that he wanted someone else but settled for me, had made me irrational.Devoncares about me, and he wouldn’t treat me like that.Throwingall the women he’s been with in his face was unfair and stupid too.
EvenafterIrealized the feelingsIhad for him in high school were unrequited, watching all the girls flock around him hadn’t been easy.Iguess that insecurity had finally burst out from where it’s been hiding for all these years.Maybethat’s what happens after having mind-blowing sex with your best friend and having no clue what comes next.Theuncertainty starts to whittle away at your sanity.
