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Withtwo fingers,Itilt her face toward mine. “Yes.Ido.Ineed to know what happened with him,Shae.Tellme.Please.”
Hergolden-brown eyes search mine, then her shoulders droop, and she nods.
“Thelast few years, he changed.Atfirst, he swept me off my feet.I’dbeen so focused on making sureDadrecovered from his surgery.Iwas constantly on him about eating healthily and exercising, andIwas missing you andBeau.”Iwince at that, but she doesn’t seem to notice. “Itwas nice to have someone focusing all their attention on me, you know?Hewas so affectionate.He’dbuy me thoughtful gifts, take me out to dinner at fancy restaurants, shower me with compliments, andI…”Sheshakes her head, lets out a bitter little laugh. “Ifell for it.Hook, line, and sinker.”
Inudge her shoulder. “Youwere dealing with a lot of stress.Whywouldn’t you fall for someone who made you feel special and distracted you from all of that?”
Shegives me a grateful smile. “Itwas like that for a while.UntilafterImoved in with him.Thenthings shifted gradually, starting with little criticisms here or there.AndIfigured that was normal.I’dnever lived with anyone other than my dad before.Ofcourse we’d need time to adjust to living together, sharing our space.Butit slowly got more personal.Thecolor of my dress didn’t suit me, or it was too tight, orIwas wearing too much makeup.Hehad this way of saying it that made it sound like he was trying to help me.”
Shepresses her lips together and pulls in a long breath through her nose before going on. “BeforeIknew it,Iwas listening to him about howIshould look and whatIshould wear, then it escalated to whatIwas doing, whatIshould and shouldn’twantto do.Andevery timeIdid something he didn’t like, he’d let me know in little ways howI’ddisappointed him.Eventually,Istopped being myself.Ithought ifIcould just be the person he wanted me to be, then things would go back to the way they were at the start.Thathe would go back to being the manIfell for.”
Ahot poker of anger sears through me.AngeratPhillip, and anger at myself.Allthat time,Iwas relieved that she was dating someone, because it kept me from being tempted by her, and he’d been treating her like shit.Hurtingher.Makingher doubt herself.
Ithits me then. “Yourpainting?”
Shelooks straight ahead but nods. “Hetold me thatIwasn’t good enough to pursue it as a career.Thatpeople wouldn’t pay for my work.I’dbe wasting my time going to art school.Likewith everything else, he made it sound like he was doing me a favor.Savingme from chasing after somethingI’dnever succeed at.AndIbelieved him.Istopped painting.”
Myhead pounds at the base of my skull. “Jesus,Shae.Whydidn’t you tell us?”
“Becauseit happened so gradually thatIdidn’t even realize it until after it was over.Hewas so wonderful at the start,Ijust…”Sheswallows. “Ithought it was my fault that things were going wrong.WhenIfinally realized thathewas the problem,Iwas embarrassed thatI’dlet it go on for so long.”
Itip her chin so she’s looking me in the eye, wrecked by the unshed tears in hers. “Hey, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.Nothing.I’vemet people like that in the music industry.Fuckingexpert manipulators that don’t care about anyone but themselves.Butthey know exactly what to say or do to make you believe they’re on your side—to make you doubt yourself so you rely on them even more.”
Ituck a strand of hair behind her ear, and her long lashes slide shut as she lets out a sigh.Ihesitate to ask my next question, butIneed to know. “Didhe ever hit you?”Myheart booms in my chest asIwait for her answer.
“No,” she says, and some of the tension leaves my muscles. “Hestarted to get a bit more aggressive, toward the end.Butmostly it was just words.”
Hemay not have hit her, but that asshole had emotionally abused her. “Itwasn’tjustwords,Shae.Don’tlet him off the hook because he didn’t use his fists.Wordscause harm too.Theycan burrow into our souls and make a home there, ready and waiting to reappear when they can do the most damage.”
Sheleans against me, andIput my arm around her shoulders, blowing out a long, deep breath to try to calm the anger that still vibrates through me. “CanIask how it ended?”
“Onenight, he came to the bar.Heliked to do that, to keep an eye on me.Atfirst,Ithought it was sweet.Likehe wanted to spend more time with me.Butit was just another way for him to control me.Anyway, that night he was drinking a lot and got angry when one of the customers kept flirting with me.Hewouldn’t talk to me the whole way home.Andonce we were back, he kept drinking.Hecalled me a slut, accused me of leading the guy on.Accusedme of spreading my legs for”—her eyes dart up to me, then away again—“other guys.”Sheclears her throat. “Hepinned me up against the wall.Iwas scared.Ididn’t recognize him at all.Didn’trecognizeme.Overand over again,Ikept thinking,how did it get to this point?”
Witha thumb and forefinger, she picks at an invisible speck on the comforter beneath us. “Itold himIwas leaving, and he laughed and said he didn’t want me anymore anyway.Thathe was done with me.Hedidn’t try to stop me, thank god.ButwhenIwent back a couple of days later to pack up my stuff, he'd…”Ashallow breath puffs out of her. “He’dtrashed all of my paintings.”
“Fuckingasshole,”Igrowl. “Didyou go to the police?”
Shelets out a short, brittle laugh and shakes her head. “Whatwould be the point?Hedidn’t hurt me physically.Pressingcharges for something as minor as vandalizing paintings that don’t have any real value would have been harder than it was worth.Ijust wanted to get as far away from him as possible.IfiguredIcould paint more.Except…”Shetrails off, pressing her teeth into her bottom lip.
“Exceptwhat?”Iprompt her.
“Except, whenItried, whenIthought about applying for art school, nothingIpainted was any good.Icouldn’t…Nothingfelt right.”
“Didyou ever talk to anyone about it?Yourdad?”
“Ididn’t tellDad.Butthere was a woman who started working at the bar not long beforeIbroke up withPhillip.Sheapproached me after and told me she recognized some of his behavior, because she’d gone through something similar a few years earlier.Shewas only at the bar for a couple of months before she moved on, but while she was there, we used to talk.Shehelped me sort through some of my emotions about what happened.”
I’mgrateful she had someone to talk to.ButIhate that she didn’t think she could turn to me orBeau.Ifwe’d known.IfI’dknown…
“Whereis he now?”Theanger that leaps and burns in my gut needs some kind of outlet.Trackinghim down and beating the shit out of him sounds like the perfect solution.
Shestudies me and gives a little shake of her head, as if she can read my mind. “Idon’t know.Iheard that he’d gotten a job somewhere else.”Shereaches for my hand, stroking her fingers over my skin. “Idon’t want anyone getting themselves in trouble over him.He’snot worth it.”
“Butyou are,”Igrowl.WhileBeauandIwere living it up inLA,Shaewas dealing with this shit all on her own.
Iforget thatBeaucould come back at any moment, andIkiss her.Itake her face in my hands and press my lips to hers.Withoutwords,Ishow her how sorryIam and how muchIwish things had been different.BeforeIknow it,I’vepressed her down on the bed and covered her body with my own.Iwant to worship her, to let her know just how special she is.
ThenIhear the front door slam, andIjerk myself off her.We’reboth breathing heavily, andIwant to say fuck it.Fuckit.I’llmarch out there right now and tellBeauthe truth.Butthen reality hits me again whenIremember howIgot in the way of what the two of them could have had together.AndIpicture the moment when they both find out exactly whatIdid.Isee them turning their backs on me, andIjust can’t.Ineed more time.Moretime forShae’sfeelings for me to grow stronger than whatever she might still feel forBeau.
