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Ilaunch myself at my cousin, and we’re both landing hits.Beaumore than me becauseI’mdrunk.Butit doesn’t take long forMattto force his way between us.Whenhe’s finally shoved us apart, we’re both breathing heavily, staring at each other like strangers.Likeit’s that very first day all over again.
Thisis what we’ve come to.Allbecause of a damn game ofTruthorDare.AllbecauseIcouldn’t keep my dick in my pants.BecauseofShae.BecauseI’mselfish.Takingthings from others that they don’t want to give.
I’mdrained.Empty.Fuckinghollow.There’sno wayI’mfollowing through with fucking these women.Idon’t have it in me.ThankfuckIrealized it before they were in my room.Godknows whatIwould have done with them otherwise.It’sobvious that it was never going to involve getting naked with them, though.I’dtried to convince myself that fucking them couldn’t make me feel worse.Butit would.Itwould take that part of me that is still so in love withShaethatIcan’t seem to manage to take a fucking full breath and dirty it beyond repair—making a mockery out of everythingI’veever felt for her.
IcatchMatt’seye and jerk my chin at them.
“Getthem out of here.”
Theirfaces fall, butIcan’t bring myself to care.
Mattnods.Idon’t bother looking atBeauagain.Ijust go into my room and slam the door behind me.
* * *
Twodays later,Iunlock the door to our apartment and step inside for the first time in over a week.It’sas empty as it was last timeIwas here.I’mrelievedIdon’t have to talk toBeau.ButShae’sabsence makes the constant ache in my chest worse.
I’monly back to grab clothes.Icould buy more, but shopping is the last thingIcould stomach right now.Ijust want to hide out and avoid the world.Zac,Caleb, andDrewhave all been in touch, tearing into me for not showing up for things.Shit’sgoing to get serious soon ifIdon’t pull my act together.Atsome stage,I’llhave to faceBeau.Toface everyone.ButI’mnot ready yet.I’mrisking the band, andIreally don’t care.Justanother example of how selfishIam,Iguess.
Ihead straight to my bedroom and throw the door open, striding inside, only to stop in my tracks as my lungs empty of air.
Jesus.
Istare at the painting propped against my headboard with my mouth gone dry.It’snot photorealistic, just a mixture of light and shade, color and absence of color, the hint of nose and jaw and eyes.AndyetIcan see myself in it as clear as day.Ican’t tell if it’s me the wayIam now, or whenIwas a boy.Fromone blink to the next, it seems to alternate between versions.Butit’s obvious from the angle of my head in the picture thatI’mlooking over my shoulder.Asif she’s painted me in the process of leaving.
There’sa familiarity to the scene.AndwhenIplace it, it’s with a sharp twist behind my ribcage.BecauseIhave seen it before.Isaw it every time my mom walked out the door, walked away from me, left me alone.
Istumble closer and see a note on the bedspread.Ipick it up with shaking hands.
Devon,
I’mnot sure whatIdid for you to treat me this way.Ithought we had something special.Youshould have told me about the pact.Ifeel used becauseIrealize now that you never intended to tellBeauabout us.IfonlyI’dfigured it out beforeIfell in love with you.
I’mgiving you the space you so obviously want.I’msure it won’t take you long to fill it.
Shae
P.S.Thepainting is yours.Youcan do whatever you want with it.I’mnot sureIrecognize the personIpainted anymore.
Mylungs are working, butIcan’t get enough air.
Shewas in love with me?WhataboutBeau?
Fuck.Fuck.
Iread her note again, then look back at the painting.It’sbeautiful.Andright now.Ihate it.
Shaesaid she didn’t recognize the person in it anymore.
Andneither doI.
ChapterThirty-Two
Shae
I’vebeen homefor just over a week and will start my new job as a waitress at the local diner later today.It’snot the workIwant to be doing, and the pay isn’t anywhere near as generous as myPAsalary, but it will pay the bills.
I’vereached out to the art school here to organize a review of my portfolio.Ithink my new work is more impressive than whatIshowed them months ago, but then,I’vethought lots of things lately that have turned out to be untrue.
