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Itake a seat at the table, and he sits opposite me.
Facinghim, it’s hard to know where to look.Staringinto his eyes just makes my heart want to pound its way through my ribs.Studyinghis lips sparks memories of the heat of his kisses.Lookingat his hands reminds me of the way he touched me.Noneof that is whatIshould be thinking about now.
Hereaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small stack of brochures and puts them on the table in front of me. “Iknow you were planning to apply to school here, butIpicked these up for you.”
Tentatively,Ispread them apart soIcan see them properly.They’repamphlets for art colleges in and aroundLA, all the good ones.
Ifrown, looking up at him. “Whatare these for?”
“They’refor when you come back.Lexietold me all of these are great options.Sinceshe’s a professional photographer,Ifigure she knows what she’s talking about.”
Istare at him. “I’mnot sureIget what you’re doing here.Idon’t plan on coming back toLA.Andeven ifIdid, these options are all expensive.”
“Don’tworry about the cost,” he says. “Andbeing a celebrity is good for more than one thing.Imanaged to talk to the admissions officers at a few of these, includingCalArts, andIshowed them the portrait you did of me.Theysaid if the rest of your portfolio is even half as good, they would accept you without hesitation.”
Iswallow hard and stare down at the brochures again. “Yeah?”Isay faintly, touched that he would do that for me.
“You’rean incredible artist,Shae.You’rethe only one who has doubts, and that’s becausePhillipdid a fucking number on you.Soyou lost your spark for a while.It’sthere now.Ican see it burning so fucking bright it hurts.Youcan take your pick of colleges.”
Imeet his gaze again. “WhywouldIgo toLA?Dad’shere, andI’mpretty sure there’s nothing left there for me.”
Hedoesn’t outwardly react to my words, thoughIknow from the pain that flashes through his eyes that they hit.Instead, he reaches across the table and grips my hands.Iwill myself to pull them away, butIcan’t.Thewarmth of his touch feels too good.
“Ihurt you,Shae.AndI’mmore sorry than you can know.Youdeserve so much more than whatIgave you.Ishould never have assumedIknew how you felt, andIshould never have left you the wayIdid.Reactingthat way was inexcusable, andI’llregret it for the rest of my life.”
Everymolecule of me wants to twine my fingers with his, butI’mfrozen, listening, almost willing him to say something that will make it all better again.Somethingthat will take away the pain and betrayal that remain lodged in my chest.
“Italked toBeau.Apologizedfor lying to him.ButItold himIwouldn’t give you up.Madesure he understood that if he couldn’t forgive me and needed me to walk away fromCrossfire,Iwould.”
Igasp, my hand reflexively clutching his. “That’scrazy,Devon.Youcan’t…Beauwould never…Hedidn’t, did he?”
Hesmirks and shakes his head. “No.”Thenhis smile fades. “Imeant it, though.Iwanted him to know how seriousIwas whenItold himIloved you.ThatI’veloved you for a very long time.”
“Youhave?”
“Youremember the very first time we met?”
Inod.HowcouldIforget.
“I’djust spoken to my mom.Icouldn’t believe she wasn’t coming back for me.Shetried to justify it.Toldme she didn’t have the patience to be the mother of a teenage boy.Thatleaving me withAuntKarenwas the best thing for me.”
Iput my other hand over his and squeeze.Ihate that his mom could be so selfish and hurt him so badly.
“Iwasn’t in a great headspace whenIwalked down those stairs,” he continues. “ButIcame around the corner, and you were the first thingIsaw.Youlooked at me overBeau’sshoulder, and you smiled.Yourwhole face lit up.Youdidn’t know me, but you looked at me as ifIwas everything.Andfor a moment,Ibelieved it.Forthe first time,Ifelt likeIwas home.LikeIwas wanted.”
Myheart beats painfully in my chest at his admission.Someof my hurt bleeds away.Ican’t imagine what it must have been like for him to discover that the one person who was supposed to love him the most didn’t want him.Isit any wonder he didn’t trustBeauand me to stay?Thathe thoughtIwould so easily walk away?
“Ifucked up,Shae.Iwas so sure about what was going to happen when you andBeaufound out the truth that it became a living, breathing thing in my head.Itwas whatIexpected, so it was allIcould see.ButBeausaid it right.Iwas the one who walked away.Iwas so terrified of you leaving me, thatImade sureIwas the one to do it instead.ExceptIdidn’t protect myself from getting hurt.AllIdid was hurt you too andI’mso fucking sorry about that.Butit’s not going to happen again.I’mnot leaving.I’mnot walking away from us.AndIwon’t let you walk away either.Notwhen we love each other.Notwhen we’velovedeach other for so long.”
Myskin is hot, my pulse loud in my ears, and something that feels an awful lot like hope is spreading through me.Butthere’s still a part of me that’s holding back.Maybethe part of me that kept doubting how he felt about me all this time.ThepartIthought had been proven right. “WhataboutBeau?Whatdid he say when you told him?”
Hedrops his head a little, although he keeps his gaze fixed on me. “I’vegot some bridge mending to do.He’snot happy thatIlied to him.Buthe accepts howIfeel.We’llwork through it.”
Inod slowly, even though my heart is trying to beat its way through my chest. “Andyou want me to come back toLA?”
“Yes.Iwant to be near you.Ineedto be near you.”Hisfingers tighten around mine, his thumbs sweeping over the backs of my hands. “Wecan get our own apartment.Youcan be ourPApart time and take classes.Orif you’d rather not work for us, you could work wherever you want.Ornot at all.Youcan just live with me and go to school full time.Andwe can fly your dad out to visit, or you can come back here to see him.”
It’sall so overwhelming thatIdon’t know what to think, my mind a riot of emotion—fear, hope, love.Istare down at whereDevonis still holding my hands.
