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Shit.Myfuck-up has even made him doubt our friendship.IfIcould take it all back,Iwould.Everythingexcept havingShae.I’llnever regret that.ButI’dbe honest withBeaufrom the start and trust him to be honest with me.I’dhave had faith in our bond, the way he does.
Ordid.
Thatthought makes my chest hollow. “I’msorry, man,”Irepeat. “Ihave no fucking excuse.”
Helets out a harsh breath and massages his forehead. “Youdon’t.Butthat doesn’t meanIdon’t get where your fear was coming from.”
Thevise squeezing my rib cage loosens infinitesimally.I’mdamn lucky to have a cousin like him.Mymom might not have wanted me, butBeauand his mom have always been there for me.IfonlyI’dtrusted in that instead of believing the worst.
But… “Whatwould you have said ifI’dcome to you?”
Hepins me with a stare, one that holds the residual heat of his anger. “Idon’t fucking know.Iguess we’ll never know.Iwould hopeI’dhave told you the truth.Thatyou’d be damn lucky to haveShae.Andif she loves you back,I’dtell you not to fucking screw it up.”
Irun my hand down my face. “Itmight be too late for that.ButI’mgoing to do my best to fix it.”I’llneed to work on repairing my relationship with him too.Buthe’ll want me to look afterShaefirst.ThatIknow.
“Letme know when you do,” he says. “BecauseIneed to apologize to her too.”
Inod. “I’llstay for practice,”Isay, moving past him to the door. “ThenI’mgonna go get her.”
ChapterThirty-Four
Shae
It’sbeenthree days sinceDevonleft my place, andI’mstill a mess.I’vebeen to visitDadalmost every day.Itold him about howDevonshowed up and what he said.Dadhugged me and let me cry.Hedidn’t give me any more advice, andI’mgrateful for that.
Ifinished my shift at the diner half an hour ago, and nowI’mshowered, in my pajamas, and standing in front of my easel.
Iclose my eyes and take a breath.Thewaiting is the worst part.Waitingto hear back from the portfolio review officer.Waitingfor the pain in my heart to lessen.Waiting, hoping, to feel whole again.
Butat leastIcan paint.Thepiece of work in front of me isn’t finished, but it’s going to be good.Ican feel it.I’vetaken all my hurt and disappointment and thrown it at the canvas.It’svivid and raw and somehow beautiful.Miraculously, the spark that slowly came back to life inLAhas continued to burn and build and grow brighter, even after what went down withDevonandBeau.Evenwith this broken mess inside my chest.Aspainful as the last few weeks have been, some good has come from it.
I’mstronger thanIthought, more resilient.Ilet myself believe thatPhilliphad smothered the flame of my passion.ButIwas the one to let it die down until it was nothing but a flickering ember.InLA, it felt likeDevonwas breathing on that ember, making it flare to life again.Butit wasn’t him, it was me.Noone else controls what burns inside me.I’mthe only one who can starve or feed that flame.Andall the hurt and the pain in my life, all the good times, the joys, those are whatIneed to use to keep my passion burning bright.
Withsure strokes,Iadd layers of red and orange, sometimes scraping the top layer away with a palette knife, adding texture, and revealing the darker jewel tones beneath.I’mjust about to mix up more colors when my doorbell rings.Icheck the time.Who’svisiting at ten o’clock at night?
Ipress the intercom button. “Hello?”
“It’sme.”
God, no matter how much he hurt me, his deep, husky voice still sends shivers over my skin.Myheart punches painfully at my sternum. “Devon—”
“Letme up,Shae.Weneed to talk.”
Ihesitate, not sure ifI’mstrong enough to resist him again once he’s standing close to me.
Along moment later, he speaks through the intercom again. “Itold you last time thatI’mnot leaving.I’llstay out here all night, then follow you to work ifIneed to.Sowhy not just get it over with and talk to me now?”
Ihave to roll my lips together to fight back the smileI’mnot ready to grant him yet. “Fine.”
Ibuzz him in, unlock the door, then go back to my painting.Thirtyseconds later, the door opens again, and he’s closing in on me.
I’mdoing my best to feign nonchalance, but my pulse is racing while tears prick the backs of my eyes at the sight of him.Mybody, my soul, my heart don’t know how to react to him.I’mall over the place.
Hecomes to a stop, and we regard each other without saying a word.
“Canwe sit?” he finally asks.
“Okay.”
